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Friend cancelled plans. Again.
My friend "Jane" (34F) and I (24M) have been friends for about 5 years now. We tell each other almost everything and can always complain to each other or ask the other for advice. It's pretty much great, but the one thing about it that I absolutely cannot stand is the fact that she very frequently cancels on plans last minute. She has a slew of physical and mental health problems, so I know that she's not cancelling for the sake of just not wanting to do anything. However, it's gotten to a point where whenever I try to make plans, I have to constantly verify with her that she is, in fact, following through. The instance that made me write this post was that today, we were expecting to play Pathfinder with a group of friends. I am the GM and put a lot of time into this week's plan for the session. Early this morning, I got a message from one member of the group saying that they can't make it. Sure, one person is fine, we have 4 others. We can roll with it. A few minutes ago, not even three hours from when we are supposed to meet, Jane tells me she isn't feeling well and won't be able to come. I called to confirm to see if it's something minor that she thinks might pass before the time comes for the session, and she just apologizes and says she can't make it. I hang up and immediately, admittedly hastily, sent a message to the group chat that the session is cancelled for this week since I planned a whole huge event in game and two people are going to miss it and I have nothing prepared as back up. I'm sitting here writing this up now not sure how to feel. Angry? Apathetic? Sad? It's one thing if she cancels on us going shopping or something like that, but I spent so much time preparing for this and although I know it wasn't really something that could be helped, it just makes me hesitate more and more whether or not to include her in things in the future. Is there a way I can tell her how much this upsets me without coming across as rude or seeming like I'm not understanding of the fact that sometimes it really is out of her control?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
First, you have been friends with her for many years, so there is no surprise that she behaves in the same patterns over time. That you have tolerated this for so long is what is indeed surprising.
Do know, if you don't by now, that she cannot be depended upon to make herself available for anything previously committed or agreed upon. And plan accordingly. The reasons may be immaterial.
You don't have to tell her anything, unless you wish to, but you do need to protect your own interests and stop expecting her to be anything other than what she has always been in the past long years, regardless of the cause or causes.
No one can treat you thusly unless you are willing to tolerate it, and I recommend that you give more priority to your own well being and mental health, and dwell less on what's wrong with her.
Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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Hi,
You already hinted about her mental and physical health issues.
This is not out of control. Given her health scenario you can expect this and prepare yourself to adjust with her mental patterns.
-Dr.Health Guru
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