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Why do I find this a red flag?
28/f 32/m
I was reflecting over my last relationship and I can’t help but keep thinking that this is a red flag—
When I first met my ex, he told me that he was moving to Texas because he was building a house. Eventually it had been revealed that his MOM was building a house in Texas and he was moving into the house (but his parents are planning on staying in California).
Later on, I found out that the condo he was living (and later sold) in California was also owned by his parents. Which by the way, this was a condo that him and his ex-fiancé lived in. When it was sold, he moved back in with his parents but he lived in a separate area in the house so he could have his own privacy.
I remember as he continued to talk about the new house that was being built, he kept talking about how excited he was to design certain parts of the house. But I couldn’t help but think “… but it’s your parents house?? You didn’t put any money into it?”
Can someone tell me why I might think this is a red flag? I don’t see much of a problem with this with someone who’s in their 20s, but my ex is 32 and I couldn’t help but be bothered about this.
I don’t know if it’s because I came from a different background where my family was poor so I had to build my own legacy. I didn’t want to rely on my parents (nor did I really had a choice)?? This is just me thinking out loud. I may be wrong. But I’m genuinely curious.
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I don't think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Initially, I first thought you were speaking of someone still in their teens, only to realize he is in his early thirties !
If nothing else, wasn't he actually lying to you? Further, his dependence upon his parents at his age speaks volumes about something perhaps difficult to define, but having to do with a lack of maturity, or perhaps a less than healthy enabling on his parents' part that has prevented him from assuming a full adult role.
In any case, I'm more concerned that you are continuing to "reflect" on your "last relationship". You didn't say how recently you and he ended, but if you are still musing about whether there were red flags or not, you may not be finished with him yet.
A finished relationship means you move on. So, when will you be ready to put some full closure on this one and make yourself fully available for the next one?
Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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Since he is the ex, mulling over him, the relationship and what he said is useless unless you use what you experienced with him to learn something that will help you in your life now and the future. Deal is, it's hard to sometimes see things unless you are looking back decades and finally get it, but then a good chuck of your life will be over. So I will share what i see and what it makes me feel.
A person can say anything that isn't the full truth and good people who trust easily or don't question anything, are easily fooled at first. So the first thing to learn from this is that words are cheap. it is too easy to say something or spin it the way you want to, hoping people will assume something that is not true, because you told half the truth, or omitted an important piece of information. If his parents could own or at least pay for a condo, their own home and now this one in Texas, they must be very well to do. The middle class has almost all but disappeared with todays economics. I grew up lower middle class and now I am poor. I started owning a home with ex. but as he had his business working out of the home and a home office, when the time came, I let him have it and all i wanted was a divorce which took him 7 yrs to agree to after I left him. We both worked to afford a house and raising 3 kids. Those kids now have families of their own and money is tight and none own a house. Today, it is not uncommon for young adults to both work and yet not be able to afford a house on their own. The economy is messed up royal. I know of two families with kids,both renting a house together with one family upstairs and the other in the fully finished downstairs. And its no bodys fault that the struggle is so real. I don't know for sure but perhaps the bf/ex was embarrassed that he could not afford things as his parents do. That is caused by the economy and cost of living being totally out of whack. I don't know if he is working or not, but if a guy is doing their best, working long and hard, he shouldn't be embarrassed and just let the truth be known. If he had said he worked hard and saved and cant pay off a student loan let alone ever dream of buying or building his own home, then that is truthful. If he prefers not to work, live free and easy off his parents, then something is wrong. Imagine raising kids who would turn out to be just like lazy Dad.
Now, no matter what he did, you need to examine what you did or didn't do. Did you ask him questions and did he volunteer the info easily or did he have to be pestered forever to answer a question. At 32, I am sure there are a few people who can afford a new house built, designed and furnished all with new items and that can be pricey. So if by some chance, he has the kind of job he earn big bucks from, then you should have known about his employer, who they are, and been to his place of work at least once. Another way to have that money at that age, is having won a lottery big enough to do so, whether he is working or not. But a hard worker today can not be the only bread winner. My husbands Dad remembers being the only earner, Mom was a stay at home which was common in those days. Though things were tight at times, if they saved and watched what they spent money on, like only necessary and no big splurges, then he was able to put all 3 kids through college, afford to own a home and vacation property, a couple good reliable cars and so forth. That is a thing of the past and no longer exists. Yes, people earned lots less but then everything else was reasonably priced for what you earned. Not so now. We can't earn what we need to have the basics. Today, there are working people who are still homeless, because they will never be able to earn enough unless they win the lottery.
So if his parents have bought him a place to live, and can easily afford it, that is basically the new norm. parents and grandparents helping out the adult kids who can't have their basic needs taken care of. THrowing money at a monthly rent is a waste if the parents can afford to buy a ready made condo or home for their kids if the parents are wealthy. But if the adult kids do nothing to contribute, no job, just sit around and play computer games or party, well then I would call that a Red Flag. The other Red Flag is not being open and vulnerable enough until there is trust, to share anything and everything to a potential partner. With my ex and current husband, I knew everything, nothing was a secret, even who ex girlfriends or a ex wife was. I met both husbands best friends, knew always where they worked and got a chance to visit once or twice to the place they worked, and met coworkers, and the list goes on. My guess if that you want someone who is open and honest, someone who willingly talks about all the details of their past and present life and their dreams of the future, who is verbal enough and in love enough to want to compliment gf or wife, build her up, be supportive of her talents and dreams. It can be something simple. We have one vehicle, both retired, and I just visited and stayed at a daughters this weekend and asked him to take me. No complaints or whining as i got from the ex for something similar. Make a list of what you need and what you want in a guy and you will be changing or adding to it as situations come up that you didn't think of as needing to be on the list. In meanwhile, he is an ex of yours, so concentrate only on what you learned and apply it to your future.
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