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my boyfriend and I are insecure and its destroying our relationship
No long intro, Im 22 (female) and he is 18.
We both met/got to know each other in february. I met him online and we have pretty much the same friend group. We were always kinda attracted to each other and on 29th of june he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes.
We couldnt meet up in august, which made me overthink a lot. I knew he had A LOT of work. He would basically work all day because he got 3 jobs at the same time. The only time he had was on sundays but he needs some time for himself as well, so I respected that. We still played games together, or watches tv shows.
Yesterday we had this conversation about how he is scared that I will lose interest and leave him. Im in love with him and would in almost every scenario work things out rather than to break up. I explained that he might be projecting but he denied it. He doesnt want me to see him with his hair undone because hes afraid that I might not like it?
Hes also mentioned that he has no guarantee that im gonna be forever on his side, so hes scared and doesnt know how to act.
I stopped turning on my facecam for him when we talk nor did I ask him out recently to do something together. He always sees me play with other people.
MY QUESTION now is: Am I overthinking or does he want to give us slowly up? I dont need a guarantee to work on this relationship but he on the other side needs some sort of idk... confirmation which I obviously cant give him.
He got betrayed a lot in his life, so I understand his struggles. I will always support him no matter what though.
im just really confused
thank you for reading.
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Hi,
From what you have mentioned I perceive that this relationship is shallow and may not get rooted. Better you both get prepared to face situations as and it evolves. As far as possible dip his mind regarding the realities of human love, need, instincts and altering mental urges. If he is serious enough he will catch you point and prepare himself!
-Dr.Health Guru
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A person needs to love themselves for who they are before they can love another person. The relationship he has with himself is what is flawed here and unless he overcomes his insecurities he is forever going to find himself in failed relationships and with partners who will have a difficult time being with him for long.
You have been extremely patient and done all you can do to make him feel secure and have been genuine about wanting to be with him etc etc. and wanting to help him overcome this but it's like pushing a car up a mountain. It's going to fall on you. You likely are setting yourself up to be crushed by him if you stick with him.
You can still be a friend but not a lover and do what you can to help him learn how to appreciate himself and let him know that even as a friend you can still help him work on himself but that he has to work with you and people in his life to fix this too and do some lifting.
I would sit down with him and tell him that he doesn't have to impress anyone and needs to be who he is. I would recommend that he talk with a school counsellor or therapist to work on all of these issues professionally so he can move forward in life and not be afraid of his own shadow. What I'm getting at is that you can be as supportive as you are now without being his girlfriend. That's not ditching him. Support him no matter what and love him as a person but don't get into a boy/girl relationship with him because it will fail because he's not ready for you or anyone else on a boyfriend/girlfriend deal.
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The problem right now is that the two of you don't have enough time being with each other, around each other, to have the chance to gain trust. Trust takes a long long time to earn but once it's in place, two people can trust each other with anything, seeing each other with messy hair, when sick and throwing up, sharing your own thoughts, etc. You understand he's experienced betrayal in the past. At 18, he doesn't have much life experience yet to look at and compare to your and his experience.
I left my first husband after 30 of no change (verbal abuse from him) and his refusing to see a psychologist after we found one and he agreed to go. But he didn't. Now I had plenty of broken promises and lies from him plus the bad treatment in general for 30 yrs. I could have gone into the next relationship afraid that some trust issue would occur that might kill the relationship. But I was older and had been reading a lot about relationships,watching couples and also learning from mistakes such as how to really tell if a person is who they say they are. This is something he will need to learn so take what i share from this point on, put in your own words but repeatedly share them with him.
When people first meet, they unknowingly put up a false front, usually what they think or know the other person wants, just to get them to fall for you. I even experienced this when dating after a divorce meeting guys online, doing an initial meetup at a public place always a coffee shop and I made sure to not suspect any that seemed great at first meet. I knew If I bided my time and spent lots of time hanging with a guy, not being his girlfriend, that the energy of keeping up a false persona will wear out pretty quick, depending on if seeing the person often. If its once a week for you, then people who meet twice or three times a week will get more exposure to each other faster which speeds up the outcome. (I'll explain so you'll know but your bf doesn't necessarily need to hear this )It took til the 3rd date for a guy to get really comfortable, plus he was making me dinner at his house. THe moment I entered, he was saying please excuse the messy house, my (racist comments) maid is not doing her job. To tell the truth, his house was neat as a pin, probably a wee bit nicer than my own place. He spoke also in an angry tone when doing that. It reminded me too much of my ex. It would be a matter of time until he focused his demeaning words on me, just as happened with the ex. So how can a person really know wether they can trust someone they want to be in a relationship with? I hardly think your bf will give up one job to have more time with you if money is that tight for him or he is working at purchasing a new car when he had enough cash. So at one meet up per week, it could take much longer, maybe 6 months or more to know beyond any doubt that you can trust each other with anything. What a person needs to look for in the other is how consistant the person is who they claim to be, their talents, their weaknesses, etc. when there is inconsistency, lets say to 'I never raise my voice ever' and he does, then he has lied because he said not ever. I use that one cus the ex always yelled at me. I knew I would not put up with a guy who failed me once by doing just that. So I had a list of criteria a guy had to meet and told them the list. I watched the man I am now married to, a long time over many different situations in which the ex would have lost his cool, even if I made a mistake or forgot something I was asked to do. I was not berated, I was not yelled at. He simply shrugs and says, I forget sometimes too, no one is perfect. That's Okay honey, lets go get that done together right now. This is a very typical reaction from my current husband. He wouldn't be my husband if he had become upset with me or yelled. This is the only thing you two need is time so until the situation changes and he has more time for you, all you two can do is be your genuine self for each other and let each other slowly gain trust in the other. So he's afraid you won't like his undone hair? Some one must have critisized him on it before and instead of brushing it off, maybe he couldn't because it was someone close, family, relative a best friend. Any girlfriend would have been a bit young to have relationships down and be perfect at that age, same as me into my early twenties, I was still too naive, but I was married, unhappily.
Another good way to get my point across is useing this example I read somewhere. Think of a clay jar with a lid. The jar has many cracks and chips missing. Through the cracks, some foul smelling liquid is oozing. Now are you going to think it is a one time occurance, wipe the outside clean again and think it won't happen again. If a person were like a jar and you could lift the lid and look inside, you'd see a whole lot more of that unlovely behavior you just witnessed, sitting inside, waiting for its chance to leak out. So if a partner yells and says they never do, it wasn't an accident, a one time thing, because they were trying to change their behavior to catch you, hook you on the line. It's obviously not their normal behavior so when the person slips up, take notice because there will most definitely be more of what ever you just saw or experienced. This pretty much sums up what is needed for both of you to learn to trust each other.
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