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my last friend or is she really my friend?
Hi,
so over the last 3 years I´ve lost almost all of my friends bc they were toxic and the friendships drained me and were one-sided. I held onto them for so long and tried to save them but I just couldnt anymore bc I knew these "friends" didnt really care about me. They were mostly friends from high school but i after i left high school i learned they werent really my friends bc of how they treated me.
I kind of have only one friend left but I dont know what to think about her and I dont know really if she is my friend or im just trying to hold onto one last person before i can officialy say im a loser and letting loneliness take over me.
She is good person, she helps me and listens to me when i tell her about my problems. But when we hang out its always only for 2 hours bc she always has to go somewhere.
She invited me to her place at the beginning of July but i didnt feel welcomed, she didnt offer me food or anything and i brought some food and she was suprised when she saw it. I left after 2.5 hours bc "she didnt feel good" but told me she was out with friend beforehand that day. I dont why she even invited me bc clearly she dindt want me there.
When I was leaving I told her we should totally meet before she leaves (she is going to another city that is really far to study at this private college). She said yes. Then at the end of July I texted her that we should go on trip somewhere. She told me it sounds amazing but she didnt know when would that happen bc she is working.
Its almost September and we still didnt go or hang out bc she is extremely busy. Today I saw her posting photos from Vienna, which is 7 hours from the city where we live but when I asked her to hang out about week ago, she told me she couldnt.
I dont know what to think. I dont know if she is gonna meet up with me before she goes away. I mean I dont believe she is so busy and working all the time that she cant make time for me. She even agreed to go on trip with me, which i doubt will ever happen. I dont know if she is really my friend or what. If she leaves before saying goodbye she will break my heart and I will know for sure she doesnt care about me.
I just feel like an idiot trying to hang out with her when she clearly doesnt want or "cant".
Please, help me :/ I dont know what to do, she is my last friend and I dont wanna lose her. I dont know if I should try and save this friendship or save myself from wondering and just accept the fact she isnt my friend anymore bc Im sick of one-sided friendships.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Why would you believe you are a "loser", when the only thing you "lost" were so-called friends who "really didn't care"? Instead, consider yourself lucky that you are free of them. That you would blame yourself instead says a lot about your own self-image that needs improving.
Your "last friend" wants your visits to end after more than two hours? Well, that's normal. That you would want to hang around after that long says more about your own dependence and insecurities than your belief that she is short changing you or doesn't really care, etc.
She's setting the limits , because you can't or won't. Chances are she does indeed still care about you...or she wouldn't be seeing you at all. But if you continue to be clingy and over dependent, as it seems you have been, you will inevitably push her away permanently. Perhaps this may have happened with your former friends, rather than your interpreting that they really didn't care about you?
So, you asked for help: try to cool it down. Make other activities and friends. Spread it around. Dial back the over dependence upon the one remaining friend you still have...and maybe its not too late, before you lose her too.
Take personal inventory. Ask yourself not what you can get from others, but what you have to give , that will make them want to be friends with you.
And if your cupboard is empty, learn how to fill it with things that will make you a wanted, desirable friend to have: your interests, goals, values, activities, enrich what tou can bring to others, and it will come back to you.
Good luck, good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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First of all you aren't a loser and couldn't be one if you tried. I think wha we really have to figure out is why all your friendships have been one-sided. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with you but perhaps people are seeing you aren't confident or don't value yourself as you should and it turns them off or they don't know how to deal.
I think what you should do is find a therapist to talk to about this or a school counsellor and really get to the bottom of it and get resources and help on your social game so you can meet people you really connect with which I know you can achieve. That would be the best thing you could do.
You're also very smart to know what it is you don't want and not to allow people to act like they are friends and then treat you like crap when you aren't around. Those kind of people are good to get rid of if they truly have drained your energy.
As for the girl you have mentioned I doubt she hates you or doesn't want to include you. I think it's the opposite because she has invited you places and has hung out but she doesn't get why you're not as outgoing as she hoped.
The other thing about always being busy may be true. She may have all her time booked up and wanting to do things with you and others but often has her time decided for her. I think she may indeed want to go on that road trip with you. Just ask. Talk to her about your feelings and how making and keeping friends is so hard and that you think she's worth getting to know and vice-versa if you stick together.
In the event she doesn't become a friend it's okay because once you get your social skills up and learn why your friendships have been one sided that you will eventually meet the right people and click with them. One reason you may have trouble is because you're an intellectual and quiet and most kids aren't and that's okay. It's better in a lot of respects.
One thing you can do is take drama courses or improv at school or parks and rec once COVID restrictions are limited because it forces you to work together with and get to know people you ordinarily might not connect with otherwise who could make great friends. Student council and clubs with people who reflect your interests is a great place to find friends. Don't be so hard on yourself things will click eventually and likely sooner than you think if you want to put the work in and work on social skills and making proper connections and body language and confidence etc.
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