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Toxic friend(s)
Hi :) My name is Jane and I’m 22.
I dont even know where to begin. I start my 1st year of my Masters degree in a few weeks. I got rid of my one toxic friend from high school about 2 years ago. I tried to be friends with but I just couldnt continue.
And this one “friend” is also from high school. I gave her another chance bc before that I told her I dont wanna be friends with her. She always tells me how are we gonna travel during the summer but we never do. When we would hang out, it would always be only 2 hours…always. And it was always exhausting bc no matter what we talked about, she alway had to outdo me and be better than me.
I study translation and i told her that I got translating part-time job, she told me she also got translation job and that she has to use Google Translate bc she studies engineering!!
She always has to make sure she is better. She got red diploma and she had to ask me “But you got blue diploma right?” I could go on and on. When we met during summer she told me where she has been but she didnt mention anything about her promised plans to hang out during summer.
I also paid for her drink one time and she told me she would pay me back. We’ve been for a drunk three times and she never paid me back. I almost paid for the last time we were out but im not stupid so she had to pay me.
I just wanna ask if its ok to block her. I dont wanna be friends with her. She is a terrible person and everytime I came back home I was crying bc I couldnt handle it anymore. Im just worried what she will tell others bc we have mutual friends. I dont wanna be seen as the bad guy, when its me who is being used. In 2 years we will have highschool reunion and I dont know what will I do. The saddest thing is that she was “nobody” in high school. Not many people talked to her.
I dont know why i attract toxic friends :/
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I also wonder about your statement of attracting toxic friends. who reached out to whom first? If you reached out to her because you felt sorry for her, perhaps you feel obligated for some reason. Start paying attention dear cus in this situation you will either learn, or not, and this will help you in any future possible relationships, friends or a lover or even future husband.
It is impossible to know ahead of time whether a person will turn out to be a terrific friend or not. Even a future bf,or husband will need to be of 'best friend quality' besides having the extra thing you don't have with just friends, the romantic chemistry. However, even if you can't know right away, the moment a problem arises, you need to bring it to their attention, let them know it is something you don't like and now that the rule has been shared, they know if they do it one more time, that the friendship is over because a friend would not do that, an enemy will, or a messed up person will. So you do see she is toxic. The first time you realized this was not when you decided to write advicenators, but quite some time back. You will know how long ago it was. What did you do? Did you tell her that you did not consider whatever behavior to be normal or not harmful to the friendship and did you ask her to stop. Parents can ask a child to stop, while trying to raise them and teach them, but without laying out clearly the consequences of a repeat, there is no way a child, let alone an adult acquaintence is going to change. So did you let her know that if she repeated 'what ever issue it is' again, then you will no longer associate with her and that means not in person nor over the phone, text or computer. When I married my second husband, I had laid out my boundaries, everything I could think of ahead of time and he obeyed them all, because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I didn't think to add one on PDA's. I tend to consider other peoples feelings and though I wouldn't mind receiving all the PDAs I can stand, at the same time, I do draw the line at certain things that would disturb me too if I witnessed it with some other couple. He could tell I was instantly upset and asked if he had done something to hurt me. I told him I could not fault him this time as I had not thought to include PDAs in the boundaries I mentioned. He promised me it would never happen, and he kept that promised. He also did not feel I attacked his manliness because I did mention I didn't want him to stop, I loved his attention just curtail it when people might be able to see it.
So my first guess is that there is something you are supposed to learn to do, I had one biggie like that in my life and it was the hardest thing in the world to do, something I knew many failed at but I knew I had to, or die...yes I mean that, die.
You are not a professional anything in any way so you can not help her. Being a good example and hoping it will rub off one day, is a nice thought but it doesn't work very often. My ex had 30 yrs with me to change for the better and he never did and refused counseling. We can not say or do anything that will make a person change for the better. They have to either already be that right whole person or they have to have a desire that comes from within them, to change for the better, a little bit every day. So if you became friends with her, hoping she would change some things and become more like you, well nice try but that was a waste of time. Choose a person, a friend,or mate, because at the beginning they are already an equal with you. My husband and I met a guy at the library of all places. We get this somethimes where people see us as a happy couple and that sends out a beacon to them, and they become like moths attracted to the light. Toxic people can see the light in you and are attracted because they don't have any inside of them so they approach you as this guy approached us and got us talking and eventually the guys traded phone numbers. He pursued my husband to help him with a cooking Chef job (not for a restaurant) but a paid job that required two to prepare all the needed meals. It was a good job for my hubby but this was the footheld the guy had in his mind. I did him a favor getting him into this job, so I should be able to expect any favor from him. So he'd ask my husband to bring him home after work, sometimes to go running errands but not pay for sometime Uber drivers get paid, its a friend so he doesn't need to get paid to take me places. That worn thin and it took a long time of hubby grumbling and complaining to me before he snapped and did what I told him to do, stop associating with the guy. He could never be a real friend, he was just an acquaintence we made by his approaching us first. We would never have spotted him and decided we had to be friends. So hubby put a restraining order on the guy cus we were living out of our van at the time and the guy knew we worked in the same area we hung out in so he'd hunt for our van in a certain neighborhood and then come bang on the door. Hubby finally outright told him to no longer approach us, we were not going to be friends any longer and he told the guy in phone message why. Then a while later the guy finds us parked outside hubbies job place. Starts trying to talk and hubby told him to go away. The guy asks why. He was told to listen again to why in the phone message we left. He was told repeatedly to leave and he didn't so hubby threatened to call the police. A threat if only words won't stop most people. They have to see you carry through before they know they can't get any with anything any longer. Hubby called the police who showed up at our van and they asked for a description and name. They ran the name and sounded interested in his whereabouts to updage their records I guess cus they asked if he was the guy with that name who lived at (gave us an address a bit south of where we were.) When we said he didn't live there, they wanted the new address and other contact info cus that guy was an ex con. That explains the act of stealing my husband found him doing. Sometimes, hon...we happen to run across people in life who are a drag, a drain on our energy and giving nothing back so there is no benefit to you from the association with that person. Other than family members you don't have a choice to choose, you can choose wisely on all the rest.
Do you realize that in asking us if its okay to block her, you revealed something about yourself that may be a problem. I don't know if it applies in this toxic friend thing, but its your life and its your decision about anything that you decide to do, not mine or anyone elses. So asking permission makes me suspect that you may not be confident about your decision making abilities. If you are ready to assert your authority, have that confidence not matter what others may think or say, you do, as I choose to do, that which is best for me with all the wisdom and life experience I have at any given point of time. And as I grow and learn more, my decisions may become more precise, more picky. If you are not a person who tends to be comfortable being assertive, then that is like a beacon to all those who lack in some way in life, who don't have many friends (for a reason) and force themselves on you to be a friend, and they will succeed in insinuating themselves into your life because they can see or sense you are not a confident person so its likely you wouldn't try to push them away.
For now, do what you must to cut off the relating to her. If you feel she needs a clear letter stating why, then send it to her but block her and if she shows up in places trying to find you, you will have to walk away at the time, not explaining again if she asks why. Just tell her she already knows why and that in the future, if she approaches you again, you will call the Police for harassment. I know it sounds mean but this is a situation where being kind of in between, not as harsh, is not going to work. Its challenge to the toxic person to find a way to act as if it didn't matter what you said, or that you didn't understand and would play it like she and you are besties. Afterwards, when done dealing with her, you might want to get another opinion, like ask a counselor if they can determine if anything is holding you back in life, and what that is which you need to change in you to see the change in your life. Then do it!
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Do you REALLY attract toxic friends, as you have said? If so, take a good look at what's going on with yourself, if there's indeed a pattern, and try to understand it, including consulting a counselor, if need be.
No one is obligated to continue friendships that aren't healthy, aren't reciprocal, or fulfilling.
This girl apparently has had a history of problematic or no relationships, you are not the first, nor will you be the last of this sort.
You are also at an age and at a crossroad in your life , where it may be time to move on in any case. Friends do move on, not many keep and maintain lifelong relationships from their younger years.
So, don't be hard on yourself, do what's best for you, and clearly, that doesn't include your continuing friendship with this person.
Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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