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How do I deal with an emotionally abusive mom?
Both my brother and I just fought with my mother today and yesterday, and literally right now as I'm typing this, she got into her car and stormed off after fighting with my dad. I know because my dad stormed into our rooms and started blaming us for fighting with her and making her mad. I don't really care how I come across by saying this; I honestly don't give a crap that she got mad and stormed off. She's always been very quick to anger, and is verbally and emotionally abusive to both me and my brother, although less so towards my brother. She calls us things like psychotic, needing to go to the hospital, mentally ill, says there's something wrong with us, things like that. Yesterday, we got into a disagreement. We were talking about something that I was doing, and when I gave my idea about it, both my parents were very derisive and condescending about my idea, so I got defensive, and admittedly, didn't exactly handle the situation that well, but my mom completely flew off the rails. She started screaming at me about my attitude, telling me that no one else would put up with me ever, only her and my dad, and whenever I tried to say something, she screamed at me to shut up, and got literally in my face, like inches away, screaming. She told me to go to my room, and wouldn't even let me wash my hands in the bathroom (I was doing the dishes so my hands were covered in dirty water). She followed me into the bathroom, still screaming at me to shut up and go to my room. My dad had to literally pull her away from me for me to even be able to leave the bathroom. Today, my brother (he's 10, by the way), got annoyed about a very small thing at dinner, and was being a bit dramatic about it, but my mom, again, overreacted a ton. She told him he had problems (she said this in Chinese, so it doesn't translate exactly, but it was implying that he had mental problems) and he kind of mocked her under his breath, repeating what she said, you know? She got super mad and asked him to repeat what he said, and when he wouldn't, she told him to go in timeout. He kept demanding why (bad move, he should have just listened, I know), and she just kept screaming at him and physically dragged him out of his chair and up the stairs. After dinner, I could hear my dad telling my brother that just because my mother says something doesn't mean it's okay for him to do the same thing. They had a small argument I think. Then afterwards, my dad argued with my mom, telling her that she's the adult and is supposed to be more mature and stuff, I didn't hear all of their argument. I heard my mom say that she had enough of this and wasn't going to put up with this, and apparently she left and drove off. My dad came up to our rooms, and you know, started blaming us, asking us if we're proud of ourselves for making our mom mad. How do I deal with this? Honestly, I'm not sure there is a solution, and please don't tell me she needs therapy, I'm aware, but that's totally out of the question because my parents and all my relatives are very set in the mindset that you should respect all adults above all and that adults are always right, parents can do no wrong because they are your parents. I'm not comfortable sharing this with any school counselors and I'm not super close to a lot of adults. I'm not even sure why I'm asking this question, I guess I just needed a place to rant. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, though.
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Sounds like you already know the answers and what should be done. So you had your chance to rant.
I guess this is it unless you want to hear my story of being treated like that. If interested, read on:
I was 20 when I married. My parents were not the problem, my new husband was. He fooled my family, myself and friends. It ends up in the end that a Dr. confirmed he had mental illness. In my case, I also knew something wasn't right. He went from a nice man (pretending in the beginning) to becoming verbally abusive in about a month. He would humiliate me in public. Say I had specific problems that were actually his problems. And yell in my face at home. I put up with it for a different reason than you. For you, its a cultural belief thing. For me it was a Religious belief, of the church saying divorce is wrong and to trust God to heal the marriage. So I blindly stayed and paid the price with my body. Living like this, you already know is stressful to yourself. Stress has to go somewhere. So stress will either attack you mentally and emotionally, or it will go straight to your body bringing on all sorts of health issues. At one point, I lived with daily head aches, migraines about three times a year, several all over body stress rashes, and yes they itched horribly, stomach ulcers and other stress induced health issues. People who are affected mentally will eventually start to act crazy themselves, self doubt, no self esteem and so on. It can also lead to suicide. While you are being affected, so is your brother. Both of you will be affected if it hasn't already started on you. The stress related illnesses are slow going but build up speed over time. There is no way to know where the point of no return is. Your brother could become physically sick or at some point in the coming years, commit suicide or run away from home only to end up in the streets, a different kind of just as bad life. And who knows what will happen to you. Sounds like from what your Dad says and does, that he knows all too well that your Mom is ill and doesn't get her the help. For him and probably the cultural thing, it is seen as a shameful thing to admit a family member is mentally ill. The truth is that most people with mental illness are born that way. And since it is not a choice they make to be that way, it is out of their hands as far as placing blame. The real tough love here is not ignoring getting her professional help mentally. To pretend all is fine if you are worried about the cultural thing, is to make a choice to not help her. Who will then. I had a retired counselor friend tell me that he had seen plenty of actions and words from my husband that showed he clearly had mental illness issues and that I should broach the subject with him about his going for help. I began crying uncontrollably scared and had to explain that any time I was right, he got extremely angry and it scared me. So he said he would have a talk with him. No adult wants to hear from their children or even a partner that they are ill and need a Dr. even without any cultural beliefs. And those with mental illness have a built in mechanism where they will point the finger at others as being the problem to take the focus off themselves. I got to witness this done not just to me but the retired counselor when he talked to my ex husband. He told the ex what he was hearing and seeing from him and that his conclusion was that the ex needed to see a psychologist. The ex quickly pointed blame at me, "but you don't know what she's like to live it " and continued to share all sorts of hateful made up stories about me. In further talks, I think the friend got him to go, thinking that if he didn't, I might end up leaving him. I had 3 kids and it wouldn't be easy for me so it wasn't a plan at the time. I just wanted him well. So he caved in and let me come along on the search for a Dr. we liked that our friend said should have training in CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. We had met two and both didn't like but we liked the 3rd. We met together with the Dr. about 2 or 3 times and then he was supposed to start going on appts. Then one day I overheard him on phone telling someone he was just fooling me so I'd be content thinking he was going to these appointments when he actually wasn't because he knew (delusionally)there was 'nothing wrong with him'. I was willing to stick with it if he got help and improved; but since he wasn't serious and I was an adult, I had to leave. But I didn't leave right away. It took hearing God say to me that I had the choice to stay or leave. If I stayed, I
would be dead in 4 years from the stress, and if I leave him, I would live. There is more to that but I want to say that I understand you can't just walk away as i did, since you and brother are still minors. Its already been suggested that you talk and tell as many adults as you can, preferably non family or Chinese as they may come down on you for daring to say anything. But you must reach out. What your Mom has won't go away but instead, could get worse as she gets older. Your Dad will need a counselor, not be being mentally ill but to learn some things himself. My children weren't picked on like me because my ex was trying to fulfill a prophecy he'd made up in his head that women in his life would always leave him so when I never did, he made my life hell hoping that eventually it would make me leave. I only left because I wanted to survive, see my kids marry and become a grandmother. If not faced with my own mortality like this, I likely would have stayed. I was with him 30 years before I left him.
Since you can't just up and leave, you need to talk to the kinds of adults that can and will put you in touch with resources that will help. In case you are afraid that saying something will end up with you and brother taken away from parents, you don't have to worry. Such a thing has happened in my own family as well. Kids were only put in temporary foster home while the parents were evaluated mentally and then put into a training class for how to be good parents. In most cases these days, even mentally ill parents do not have their children taken away as long as they take their medicines and are checked up on. Since you are likely the older one of you kids, its up to you to reach out for help. If you fear Mom or Dad or both hating you for speaking up, remember if Dad is getting some help too, he will be in a different frame of mind and can make better choices to protect you. Your Dad is part of the problem as long as he protects her secret. With the amount of stress I was under, its a wonder I did not break down or snap all the time. It only happened once.I'd come home from work and warn my kids to give me time to unwind from a hard day cus if they didn't, I might lose it. And it only took that once, the middle child starting begging me for something following me from room to room for me to push her away harshly, she fell down on her bottom and I was horrified that I had done that. Your Dad is under tremendous stress and doing what he can to pull Mom away from you and intervene at times. But he also is slowly having his ability to think clearly, taken away by the stress and that is why he blamed both of you when Mom stormed away. He knows you aren't at blame but the stress is already working on him and he will continue to become more unreasonable as time goes on. I don't know how much more time you have til you are legally an adult but your brother has 8 more years and thats still a young age to leave the toxic situation at home and fend for yourself. Talk to the school counselors and agency that protects children from bad home environments, because remember, they will make sure the parents get help so you can be reunited with them and that is ultimately what you want and it won't happen if you do nothing.
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Dear Brave Soul,
It's not easy to be ridiculed or insulted by the very people who are sworn to protect and keep us from letting the negativity of the world affect us. When we are suppose to feel safe in our own home, we are scared because we don't know what will become of us because of the influences in our lives. If I can tell you anything is to find more positive people in your life but also don't let the negative ones affect you. You give them power when you do and if you are going to be the strong one for you and your brother, then don't allow what they so or do affect the way you want or need to live your lives. If you can find the good qualities in your mom and dad, then cultivate those for your life and learn from the negativity and not let it fester in you. Learning from it will fuel you for a better life. I learned a long time ago that parents want their kids to be better then them so by not letting the negativity that is sent out affect you, you are ahead of the game. Respecting your parents doesn't mean you have to allow what they say to determine the right path for your life. Sounds like a lot pain in them but also know that it is not your pain. Be control of your own power and destiny when it comes to your life and when the time comes maybe there's a way to understand their pain and if they don't want help, keep living your life because the journey is only beginning for you.
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I will be blunt and you already know this that your mother is mentally ill and doesn't realize it and looks to be projecting what she knows about her own self onto her children. You're smart because you know that none of this is true about you or your brother and that your father is just as helpless in the situation as you are. But are you though? I know you aren't.
She needs help and it's going to be uncomfortable and difficult to get her. People with mental illness that is severe never are able to see that they are in fact ill and not right about everything until treated by a psychiatrist and following through.
Your family has to get her there and that's really not easy. I think the best thing to do is to let the shit hit the fan on this and tell, tell and tell again any adult around you including school counselors exactly what you told us and hold none of it back. They will know what resources they can give you and how to handle this situation and restore health to her and stop the hellish nightmare you are in.
Keeping this inside and not telling people can affect you and your brother's mental well being and frankly physical safety. It's a secret you don't keep to yourself. One of the things you can do is bring in people she knows as well and trusts and have them insist that there is something way off here and that she needs help and has to get it.
If you do find yourself in a volatile situation with her walk away and get out of the house and take your brother with you. It's a shitty situation that is coming to a head and seems to be a constant because it needs and there is no other way to come to a head and deal with the ugliness of it first and the healing of her and the family over time.
There may be a culture of adults always being right but not when it comes to mental health issues. psychiatrists, counselors and social workers are extremely adept at handling the cultural issues surrounding mental health and know how to work around it and get people help they need. Ask for it, peruse it and get it out there as it will only get progressively worse if you don't and that is of great concern.
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