|
How do I politely tell my friend to not be so clingy?
My friend is super insecure about everything and super clingy. She texts constantly and it's not that I don't like hearing from her, but she just makes me SO emotionally exhausted because every conversation we have ends up with her making self-deprecating jokes or her needing constant reassurance that I'm still her friend. Of course I'm willing to reassure her about these things, but having to do it all the time is just really exhausting. I have my own problems and I can't be putting all my time and energy into making her feel better. I know that if I tell her this though, she'll get super hurt and insecure, and it will probably backfire and I'll have to spend even more energy convincing her that just because I think she's being a little clingy doesn't mean I don't want to be friends with her anymore. How do I fix this without hurting her feelings? And please don't tell me "your friend needs professional help" or anything like that because that's not really helpful and she already has a therapist. The problem is she's treating me like another therapist.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
If she has a therapist already, then its not a good fit. It may be a personality thing, or the therapist isn't geared towards kids and teens, and yet again, the therapist may be the kind who only listens to you but doesn't do much else. If thats the problem, she needs to try someone new but yes she needs a therapist and you know you are not one. I would also recommend a therapist trained in CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I had a friend who needed helped and this is the only kind of therapist that was able to help them because they give you homework to do, things to think, say or do that will help retrain the mind from struggling with distorted thinking that leads a person off into a stressful state.
I agree will all you've already been told so I am just one more person saying the same. Also, I am a Mom and when my oldest was a teen, she supposedly was depressed but hid it so well, even though I was actively looking for any change in behavior that make indicate my kid being stressed, depressed or taking drugs. So when she had her 1st baby, she was horrified to find she was having suicidal thoughts, not just of killing herself but the baby too. Thats when she finally told me and we got her to a Dr. The point I want to make, is that I wish that if anyone knew what she was going through earlier, I would have wanted to be told, so I could get her the help she needs. I'll bet your friends parents would want to hear this too. They need to hear that whatever is going on with the therapist, its not helping her so she's turning to you 24/7 for help and reassurance. Whatever you say to her, will be a crutch, something to help her limp along for now, but it won't heal her. Her parents need to know that her current therapist is not a good fit, so they are only wasting their time and hers, and their money in continuing to have her see someone that doesn't help. Not pointing blame at the therapist though they may not have the extent of training to help her, or your friend may not be getting the help that is offered because she doesn't like the personality of the therapist. Believe me when I say, that I have had medical Drs that I did not like their personality and I never went back and kept searching. I still haven't found a family Dr. I have full trust in but I have found an eye Dr. I like so much I want to recommend anyone with similar issues to go see him. So yes, its a real thing. So if you can't call and talk to her parents, talk to a school counselor and let them know she's seeing a therapist thats not working out and her parents need to know because she's using you as another therapist. I know you are young and so without the experience in this matter, but you will have to trust what I am saying. Yes, your friend may be angry at you and not want to be your friend and feel betrayed.But if you really care about her, and this is serious, she needs a therapist that really works for her or her whole life, even as an adult could be affected in a bad way. You may be the only one who knows. If the counselor or her parents need to see where you got the idea to talk to someone and what I recommend, I am older, almost 63 and have experienced this sort of stuff with extended family so I do know sometimes a Dr. doesn't work. So her visits currently are like taking placebo's, no real medicine or therapy for her.
]
Dear Polite Friend,
Honesty is the best policy for any friendship. It seems the world is full of people looking for reassurance. It's their way to avoid dealing with their true problems. Real friendships will deal with BOTH your problems and issues. Not just ONE person. The question that she needs to answer to you will determine whether or not if she is a true friend. First ask her if she is a true friend. Then ask her that question: Can she make room for your problems and issues to concentrate on as well? If not, then advise her to keep hers to herself and her therapist because there is no room for selfishness in this friendship. You can rely on one another but it is each of your jobs to uplift one another and if you can't help each other with a problem then be honest with it and advise the other to seek advice elsewhere.
]
You have already partly answered your own questions, when you said that you are being treated like another therapist, which you aren't.
Is it like pouring water into a bucket with holes? You cant fix her. It may also be that neither can the therapist fix her...so much depends upon a "good fit", the therapist's training and personality, and more, including how bad off your friend really is.
In any case, its not your job , nor could you do it, even if it were.
So what's left is to be realistic and to save yourself. No matter what you try ot say to her, she's probably going to feel hurt and rejected, and you can't help that, no matter how kind and nice you try to be.
You have to decide whether you have the time and energy to spend with her, or not. And from what you've described, its draining you, at best.
Once you see that its neither your place nor even possible for you to "fix" her, the only other choice remaining to you will be to back off and save yourself. You can either choose to limit how much time/attention you have to give her, before it stresses you out, and stick to that; or, back off entirely.
Of course she'll be hurt. Of course, she'll take it the wrong way. And of course, you need to take care of yourself here, as your topmost priority.
Don't feel guilty. Self preseration is healthy and the right thing to do. I hope, as you do, that your friend will receive the professional help she needs and get better. Either way, your mission will be to take care of yourself. Good wishes,
]
More Questions: |