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needy roomate extrovert vs introvert situation
40m, roommate is 56, he is recently divorced. I'm an introvert and he's an extrovert. I pretty much wanna be alone 95% of the time, if not more. He's the kind of guy that will talk to strangers like nothing. When we met, I was high all the time and drinking more often than not. Under those circumstances, I become more social. But when I'm sober, I like to keep to myself. He was under the impression that I was always that high/drunk guy he met. We used to pretty much only hang out at those times. Now that we're roommates, he's expressed his dissatisfaction with me being in my room all the time. I mostly quit drinking and smoking, and he tries to get me to drink so we can hang out more. He'll go as far as to say that I'm avoiding him. If I keep to myself for more than a few days. Which granted, I do avoid him sometimes. He can be draining. He'll still drink and want to hang out but I really don't. mostly. It gets annoying cause he comes into my room (which I hate) just to tell me whatever dumb shit and it really annoys me. On top of that, he's also super sensitive and takes everything personally and makes all kinds of assumptions. I'm starting to feel like I need to change myself just to appease him. He's a grown ass man, he should act differently, but NOPE! I've never had a roommate give me shit for doing my own thing. He needs a friend, but I just don't wanna be that friend that's always hanging out. He doesn't have much to offer in terms of conversation either. We get along for the most part, but sometimes I guess he just cant stand being alone and becomes needy and annoying. He's also buzzed every single day, so he has that need to socialize, which I don't. I get it, but unless I'm also drinking, I'm not very social. He'll knock on my door and I'll say "yeah?" and to him, I guess that means "come right in". Which it does not. one time I locked my door and he got all butthurt about it. I told him that "yeah" does not mean "come in" and he says "to me it does". If he actually asks if he can come in and I say "not right now, whats up?" He'll take it personally and storm off all grumbling and mumbling. Instead of just saying whatever it was he was gonna tell me. Most of the time its dumb and I just don't really care. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with this guy. If he creates drama, my tendency is to just get away from him and stay away. Its not so bad that I want to leave, but its just annoying, I feel like he wants us to be best buds and I'm like "meh, I just wanna be alone dude." I'd like to suggest he get more friends, but I'm sure he won't take that well. He'd probably just end up going to bars and getting covid. Which is worse. Any advice? And by the way, I can't rate unless I register, so thanks in advance.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
The two of you are clearly mis-matched, which you already know. WHile you remain together, you need to set some firm, explicit boundaries about what you can and will or can't or won't choose to do.
You didn't explain the circumstances that brought you together, nor how long you have been room mates. But doesn't it seem clear that the relationship needs to end?
Start looking for somewhere else to live.
Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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If you want to remain sober and avoid drugs and alcohol the worst thing you can do is associate or live with someone who is a drinker and always wanting you to do that and hang out. The bottom line is that you are incompatible on every level and shouldn't be living together or it will be like this for however long you do. If this person irritates you to no end and you can't get along or away from them it's time to move on.
Talk to him about your differences because he's not going to get it otherwise. You're only getting dragged down and feeling miserable and I highly doubt it will change.
If he's buzzed all the time and annoying it's time to move on because it can affect your health and your own sobriety to be around someone like him 24/7. People should have more respect than he does for you. Time to part ways.
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I know the type of person you are describing. In my hubby and my sake, we got a very much needed volunteer helper in at the church soup kitchen we volunteer at. We desperately need his help and strength as most of us are older. But this man can't seem to be able to handle the quiet in between his constant talking. If no talking going on, he was singing off key, belting out parts of show tunes he had recorded on his phone playing there in the kitchen. It was horribly irritating. I wouldn't know about if he takes things personally but not a one of the people there have said anything about his constant talking and noise. At his age, one would think he had learned something about relationships. Now I started out as introvert with social anxiety as a kid and teen but realized I needed to change to be able to handle the adult world more successfully so I changed, at my own pace but I took steps. What I battled was not a personality issue, not being the hermit type and that's why i was able to change. In your case, you got hooked up with a room mate who will be impossible to live with even if you were outgoing.
Your way out is not changing who you are for him but perhaps leaving the apartment is. Although I want you to question yourself if you are truly the hermit personality, theres nothing wrong with that but you can't have a roommate unless they are another hermit type and still that may not work. Now you said you were social while drinking and doing drugs. Ask yourself why you did that? Were you trying to be more outgoing on purpose believing that was the only way you could be an extrovert? I just wonder if the real reason you are an introvert was more like mine, the pitfall most young kids and adults fall into but something that can be reversed if you really want to. You don't have to be wildly popular and extreme extrovert, just something more in the middle. If this is the case, then exposing yourself to things that are hard for you will help as long as you practice with total strangers as I did. This is to keep you out of a comfort zone. I will quickly share a bit of it in case you want to try. I had to start with just smiling at a stranger as I walked past them, next step was adding a hello and keep moving on. Next step was making a short comment or compliment that pertained to situation in which we both found ourselves or based on what they were wearing. Don't fake the compliment or try unless you genuinely like the tie, the haircut , jewelry etc. Work each step until you feel comfortable doing it and yes, graduating on to the next step was scary and uncomfortable to me but I got through it all. This all helped me to become more bold, not mind if others were staring at me. This helped but I personally decided after to also work on my self confidence which was successful as well. I am not always talkative, no one has to be and I sometimes fall back into being quiet in a group setting happy to just listen to the conversations. But those who only know my extrovert self will stop on those occasions to ask if I am okay, because of my being too quiet. So if some of that can help you, great. If that's your personality, then you are better off living alone because even a quieter person is going to get on your nerves sometime. If you ever want to write directly to me for more advice and you do register, then look for Dragonflymagic under columnists and write to me from my page. Good luck
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