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I don't know what to do with this anger?
28/f
My sister called me a couple of weeks ago, grieving over our dad. She told me she feels like it was her fault that my dad died and that his health had rapidly declined (he passed away five months ago). I told her that she couldn't blame herself and that she did the best she could with what she knew and how she felt at that moment (she didn't have the greatest relationship with him and held a lot of resentment).
Even though I comforted her, I low-key blame her, too. Of course I didn't say anything because she doesn't deserve to feel worse than she already does and I wanted her to find her peace with him before he passed. But I blame her as well because all of this started two years ago while I was in Italy. My sister had sent me messages that there was something wrong with our dad. That he was acting strange, how he supposedly driven his car and hit the neighbors fence and the cops had advised her to take my dad to the hospital. I advised her to do the same thing, and because I wasn't in the country, she needed to do it. And every time I thought she took him, she would message me a day later and it was something else--he started playing the piano off-tune at 4 in the morning, or he wasn't responding when she spoke to him. It took her A WEEK to get him help... Turns out that the breaking point was that my dad had collapsed on the floor after peeing himself and my mom found out that he had a fever.
When he got sent to the hospital, he was diagnosed with the flu & pneumonia. It had affected his brain to the point where he was temporarily disabled and had to go to rehab. And during rehab, he got a stroke, because of the stroke, it affected his ability to speak. Later was then diagnosed with Alzheimer's and that the flu & pneumonia was the trigger to the immediate decline in his health.
What made me more upset is that I had a conversation with my sister a month ago and she admitted me to that during that time, she felt like my dad deserved it. That he deserved to be in that kind of pain and that's why her help was delayed.
Don't get me wrong, my dad wasn't the best dad. But he wasn't the worst either. My sister has resentment towards him because he retired when I was seven, having my mom be the breadwinner of the family, and my sister felt like he wasn't doing anything and was just lazy. That's it. There was no other reason. And as upsetting as that can be, I feel like that is not a reason to give him a death sentence.
Plus she wasn't around when he was doing other things, like maintaining the house, cooking for us, etc. He was like the stay-at-home-dad. So, I am also quite angry that I lost the parent closest to me, my number one cheerleader, and my number one person, because my sister felt like he deserved it.
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Your sister acted wrong toward him and one day she will regret it profoundly. Whatever resentment she had towards him or bug in her head that doesn't have any ounce of truth in it about him is hers to deal with alone on her own time. She's said all of this to get a rise out of you and others.
If she really feels that way towards him and about his condition than she's pretty messed up mentally. As much as her antics piss you off and make you sad you have to let go of any anger towards him or to her and let it go or it will consume you and make you ill.
Anger over losing a parent or someone extremely close to you is a natural feeling. Allow yourself to feel that and sadness etc and accept that it's normal and let it all out. No two people grieve the same way or process profound loss the same way. Find someone you can talk to about it such as a therapist and about your sister's behaviour.
If you want to get your point across about her immaturity and awful view and treatment towards your father cut off contact for awhile so she gets that you find what she did unforgivable. That may force her to do some serious work on herself. You can't let her drag you down though.
You should tell her what you feel about giving him a death sentence and then freeze her out for a bit until she figures some things out. Bad father or someone who did her wrong doesn't mean she should act this way. There's something more to this as her behaviour points to something being way off mentally because someone wouldn't do what she did and crow about it to others especially her sister.
You need to let it go and not get dragged into being angry at her or resenting her because it's only going to drag you down and make you feel shitty because I think she's saying it on purpose because you had a model relationship with him that she couldn't. There is envy there and resentment towards him driving her behaviour. Like I said, she's not been in a good mental place for some time if saying and doing this with him. She will have to atone for it on her own time and not yours. Have peace in the fact you always loved your father and that he knows it.
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I've recently come across a similar situation. my sister works at the hospital's emergency room and it was only a matter of time before she got covid and killed my mom with it. Which is exactly what happened. Long story short, I warned BOTH of them of the dangers of the situation and to take care of it, but neither listened. Before she died, my mom told me that my sis would just cough up all over the house, not even bothering to cover her mouth, saying "I'm fine." Now my mom is dead from covid, which she got from my sis.
I have no idea what my sister thinks of this. To me, she doesn't really give a damn about anyone but herself. I don't know if she feels guilty at all about killing mom. HIGHLY preventable, but she just didn't give a shit. I have no idea if she actually takes any kind of responsibility. Probably not. Unfortunately, she's not the kind of person to take responsibility for her actions.
I personally blame her for it, though, I begged my mom to make her move out once covid stared, but she wouldn't listen. Again, my mom was coherent enough to make her own decisions. I warned her, she ignored my warnings. Now she's dead.
So now, I have a choice to make... Hate my sister for killing my mom, Or accept that my mom also made her own decisions. She had the power to help herself. But she didn't take it. I don't hate my sister. She's always been kind of a bitch and doesn't care about other's wellbeing. She only cares about herself and her personal little dramas. Yeah, I don't like her at all, seems like she's inherently evil.
Ugh, after that, I really don't like her. Then again, she's always been this way, my mom knew it too. But I also have to place some of the responsibility on my mom. After multiple warnings, she said "yeah, but if I upset your sister, she isn't gonna bring my grandkids over, if I antagonize her." Which I have no soubt she would do that.
I was really pissed at my sister. But, I can't blame her %100. It not like my mom wasn't coherent enough to make a decision without my sister's approval. I don't know that state your dad was in. Whether he could make decisions or not.
Its not like my sis is %100 to blame for what happened, sure, a large %. But, if we can think for ourselves, and what is best for us, then, we have to take some responsibility. And not rely on someone else.
My advice, at this point is to just accept what happened. There is literally nothing else you can do. You gonna fight with your sister over it? She'll just deny and deflect. You don't have to agree or be happy about it. Maybe be more weary of your sister.
The point is that "it is what it is", and there is nothing you can do to change that. I don't HATE my sister, though, I know she's kind of an evil bitch. Glad to be away from her.
This is a situation that you cannot change. If you try to make her feel guilty, she'll probably consider you hostile. After mom died, susy has been a little nicer. Maybe she does feel some degree of guilt.
All you can do is accept what is and accept that your dad is better off now, and its his time to go. Just like someday, all of us will go. Like the saying goes: " holding onto grudges is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
I'm not saying, forgive her. But perhaps your dad could have done something on his own without your sister. I dunno how bad your dad was, or if he was able to do that.
But what I do know, is that holding onto grudge and blaming her is only gonna make things worse. No matter how justified, blaming someone for it, is just gonna fill your heart with hate or similar feelings. our parents are dead. No amount of blame of hate or pointing fingers is gonna change anything. If anything, it'll just make your relationships worse. Just gotta let her own conscious/karma take care of it. Not much else you can do besides hate your sister for it. Your hate is only hurting yourself, chances are, your sister, like mine, doesn't really give a damn. So again, just gotta accept, (you don't have to like it) or keep blaming and hating her for it.
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With the hidden feelings you have as well as hers, I would suggest family counseling, getting all family who are close blood relations, so any other siblings and his wife if she's alive along with you both to counseling.
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