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How do I deal with a spoiled younger brother?
My 10 yo kid brother has always been spoiled by my mom. He's the baby of the family, and has had life easy ever since he was born. He has one chore, which is to set the table, and often never even does it, and when I try to remind him to, my parents get mad at me, and tell me to just help out. I'm not unwilling to help out, as setting the table is a pretty simple task, but it's his responsibility and he only actually does his chore like, at most, once a week, the other times, we just give up and do it ourselves. And recently, he seems to be going through this phase. He's super vicious and mean, throws tantrums about EVERYTHING, and doesn't even realize how bad his behavior is. He will not do anything he doesn't want to, unless he is forced into it, and gives attitude at the reminder of doing something he doesn't want to. He always thinks he's right, and anytime someone tries to tell him otherwise, he throws a tantrum, and either just gets let off the hook, or just gets a light scolding. He also never thinks anything is his fault. Everything is automatically someone else's fault and he will straight up deny anything being his fault even if we quite literally see him doing it. He will deny it until we give up. I know it's not my place to parent him, but living with him is really hard and I just have to avoid him because I find it very difficult to be nice to him. My mom still sees him through rose colored lenses, and thinks that he's an angel and his personality is great. Of course, he does get scolded sometimes when he crosses the line or hits a pet peeve of my parents, but he throws a tantrum whenever he gets scolded or lectured, and insists that he's not at fault. And I don't want to be a bad older sister, but he's just SO rude all the time, and annoys me so much. My dad tells me to cut him some slack because he's still young, or to just ignore him, but I just can't. So I mostly avoid interactions with him, but any interactions we do have, usually end badly. How do I deal with this?
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You gave your little brother's age, but not your own, which could make a difference in how we answer you. But in general, your brother's bad behavior is the direct result of bad parenting, and until and if your parents change how they handle him, he's not going to change either. Unless he gets worse. The best you can do is to find ways to separate yourself from him, such as going in your room and getting an inside lock on your door, if your parents will allow it.
It may also help if your brother learns that, with you, he can't get away with the same things that he does with your parents. This won't make you the "bad older sister", it will , instead, teach him that he won't be able to get away with bad behavior with everyone.
Most importantly, your parents really need to be in family counseling...along with both of you. All you can do is suggest it. They need to learn much about discipline, setting expectations, and following through consistently. Until and unless they do this, they aren't doing your brother any favors by teaching him to be the brat he has become. It will only get worse over time.
If you like, please feel free to share my answer with them. The best possible thing to be done is to get into family therapy...YESTERDAY !
Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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He needs to be dealt with by an adult and since the adults are not doing so in a manner that will help him become a productive person some day, he will be worse of a hellion as an adult. I do not know why your parents are not taking his behavior seriously. Frankly, I am alarmed because a lot of his behavior reminds me both of my ex and a controlling husband of a friend. Thinking he's always right, throwing a tantrum or getting real angry when anyone suggests something was his fault, always pointing the finger at others saying its their fault (my ex's tactic) and claiming he's not at fault even when caught doing it. My neighbor's husband was a controller and narcissistic, my ex went to a Dr, after I went with to find one he and I liked, but only went twice because he told a friend, I did it only to get her off my back cus I don't have any problems, she is the one with issues. So therefore, he is undiagnosed til today but the Dr. agreed from his behavior that hubby definitely had some mental health disorder. Had a brother with Schizophrenia. So I am pretty good at spotting what is not normal behavior. I divorced my husband because living with a person who has a mental health issue and who is not undergoing treatment and sessions with a Dr. to improve their behavior is extremely hard to live with. It is easier to let them have their way, suck up to them, kiss their behind so to speak to have some semblance of peace. But that is not good or healthy for the individual who is the problem. Your parents should be taking him in to see a child counselor to discover if he actually has a mental illness or simply some disorder or if the parenting style specifically with him is part of the problem. I don't know how to get the message across to them for sure. But I really feel something has to happen or he could be unhappy his entire life, killing all of his relationships by his behavior. Parents are not likely to listen to one of their children, so you may have to think of aunts and uncles or grandparents who are not like your parents, maybe they would see things the same way you do. Tell that adult relative what has been going on. You have permission to show them my answer to you, as long as they don't mention it to the parents. They would be angry already just from you reaching out to a relative for help let alone an advice column. Find a relative who has visited enough to have seen the behavior for their self or to set up a visit and watch his behavior, and Then they can mention something to the parents. If the parents never take this seriously then it might be better for you if a relative takes you in. This would mean moving for you, and leaving friends behind, a new school, and that's IF the parents agree, which I don't think they will, you're the only chore doer.I don't know if the issue is how they themselves are parenting or lack of it from being worn down and giving up with him. Perhaps you could call the Family Dr. and let him/her know what is going on and ask if they can help facilitate a whole family visit with a counselor, because you would have a chance to speak your peace. No matter what brother or your parents say, they know evading techniques of the troubled and won't believe that you are the bad guy. This happened to me a lot and not any family, counselor or church pastor ever felt I was the problem. Lastly, you might talk to school counselor and mention all of this and say you want to go to counseling to learn how to deal with this issue. I am hoping that once the school puts you in touch with help, that a counselor seeing you will automatically realize that there may be more than you just not knowing how to handle a difficult person, and they may then reach out to your parents and get the whole family in to see whether its their parenting or lack of correct parenting, a disorder of some type or both that are the real problem here. If you attend a church, you might even try talking to your priest/pastor without parents listening in.
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