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Spending the night at your boyfriends house.
How did you guys talk to your parents about spending the night at your boyfriends house or telling them you are going to and that they can't stop you because you are an adult? Because this week i wanna be straight forward and tell my parents what I'm going to do. Without me having to ask them. Cause im 20 and im an adult. And they treat me like im a child but yet they want me to be an adult. I come from a Hispanic household and i know that be a big no. But i rather be honest with them then lying behind their backs and lying to them that im going to my friends house but really at my boyfriend house. So please give me advice on how i can talk to them about it.
Please don't judge. I just want advice.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Dr Stephanie brought up a point I was immediate to think of. This is regarding whether you still live in their house or are on your own, have your own place. Here's what I have heard over the years.
An adult child who still lives at home is becoming more the norm due to the expenses of getting out on your own. Current economy makes that difficult. So I have heard of all sorts of ways parents disagree and attempt to control their adult child such as if you don't go to the university we want you to go, we will stop paying for college. Or if in college wanting to quit, if you quit, we will kick you out of this house, and the list goes on, including who you date, whether you have sex . . . Telling a parent whom you already know to have a tight, limited view on things, or as you said Hispanic parents, I see that the same as some Christian parents who have been church taught that sex before marriage is a no no. I went that way as a young girl and it was the wrong thing for me. I told my daughters that while in HS it is best to have male friends, not bf's but if they get so close with one that both feel they can't avoid sex, to tell me and I'd get them on birth control. And to really know a guy better, it's better to llive with him a while to see the things you can't see while dating but living separately cus for sure if I had, I would not have married him at 20.
I share that so you know I can understand your situation and you know I have no problem with what you chose to do, No different than I've told my daughters. I do know that parents must trasition from being the parent and choosing for their child what they want them to learn and shape them for their adult years. Thats it. They're still your parents, but after you are an adult, in the beginning, until you reach 25 or so and your brain is done maturing, an adult child still needs to reach out for lots of advice, although picking through it and choosing is still their choice, for whatever reason. But decision making without other perspectives and facts, is dangerous. In my case, I never had a talk with my parents about spending the night at a boyfriends. I was a virgin when I married. Thought that was the right thing. For me, it was the wrong thing, so no judging from me.
The kids who lived at home, though adults found the parents saying, I own this house, you live here and you will abide by what we say or you will be kicked out. And I heard from a few who had been kicked out, wondering what to do.
Since you have Hispanic parents, I know how deeply ingrained this is to them, they've only heard the same since they were little. No thought is given as to why it is wrong. Or even if it really is wrong. So if you tell them you are going overnight to stay with boyfriend, you risk not having a place to live because kicking you out is the only and last resort a parent usually has at this point to make you choose to follow their wishes.
So I say, if it weighs heavy on your heart to not tell them, be sure you have a place to crash if they do kick you out or make life too unbearable in their home. Yes, they have rights in their home, such as adult children must do their own laundry, or can't have a bf stay the night under their roof, then it is within their rights, as long as its about what happens under their roof. They have no jurisdiction as to what happens in your life when you are outside the home, living on your own. Also, I don't know of anyone who has ever told me they gave up all sorts of personal information to the parents, after starting a life of their own outside the family home. No one tells a parent when they first kissed or had sex, or a piercing or tattoo they got, or a non normal hair coloring. They would find out these things when you visited, or when you told them you were dating, or engaged because weddings again are a big deal to many parents, especially if from a Hispanic home. These are things you don't have to ask for permission for any longer, even if your cultural heritage says other. I know this is a biggie, not to be taken lightly, same as parents who raised their kids Catholic or some another traditional religion but the kid hates it and suffers through it as a child silently. However, once turned 18 and an adult, they would stop going at all or switch to something so totally out of the range of whats acceptable to parents that they endure a lot of harassment from parents. I remember one who stopped going to church with parents and lived at home, even one who lived on their own but was expected to still show up at church by her parents. Another decided she wanted to be Buddhist and yet another had always ffelt that a more earth bound belief system was right for them, such as Wiccan or Druid or an untitled form of Paganism. I have known plenty of pagans, and even those who consider themselves a Good witch, nothing Satanic about Paganism. I encourage them to keep to the path that speaks best to them. Though I believe in Heaven and God, I also believe there is more than one path for a person to be with God after death.
I have heard from those who are LGTBQ and want to come out to their parents, or have come to the point where it can't be hidden any longer cus they want to meet the person you're dating or are engaged to whom they have no idea is the same sex as you or somewhere on that spectrum. Kids have been kicked out of their parents home, and hated and disowned for stuff like that. I like the idea of honesty. But the time for asking for permission if you are so inclined, will only train them to continue on with 'parenting' you with do's and don't. But don't panic, parents can charge. Once upon a time, when Harry Potter books came out, my church told me it was evil and to not let our children come into contact with it. I blindly believed and accepted what was told from the pulpit without checking it out on my own. As result, when my 2nd grader one day told me the teaching would be reading Harry Potter to the class, I asked the teacher to allow her to sit out of the room and read her own book as I did not wish her to hear that. I have changed so much since then, studying, learning and realizing that misunderstandings or twisted logic have many believing bad things about all sorts of situations. I woke up when I heard from church that acupuncture was evil and to stay away from it. I had been seeing an acupuncturist who was truly helping me and there was nothing evil or Satanic about it. In fact she was one of the few in a medical field, or alternative medicine that I had truly confidence in, as she helped with with one health issue, by her Chinese medicine training and told me what chinese medicine to get at a dispensary, and the loss or hearing in both ears, that c ame on suddenly like an infection which regular dr. could not fix, was fixed by her suggestion, overnight with the first dose. I remember laughing inside myself at church and soon after I stopped going.
All I can say is that lying is breaking trust. If you voluntarily tell them you are going to a girl friends, that is a lie. If they don't ask where you are going, and you don't tell them, that is simply omitting the fact. If they ask outright where you are going, all you need to answer is "going to stay with a friend tonight". And thats the end of it unless they ask who. At which point you could say, I am an adult now, and which friends I choose to have and hang out with are my choice. However, to be thoughtful in case something bad happens to either of you, or some other tragic thing you need to get hold of me for, I will have my cell phone with me and it is charged up and all you have to do is call." This is a nice way of retraining them that it isn't any of their business other than knowing the door opening later that night isn't you cus you're staying overnight. Telling them the minimal is just so they won't be worried something bad has happened to you. All parents will always think about their adult kids being okay and safe and just as worried whether a young child or adult child is hospitalized for example. So first thing you should do in next couple days is talk with your girlfriend and her parents, and also bf and his parents if he lives with them to make sure you have a place to go if they kick you out. Have that safety net in place and then if you like, tell them. Or if they ask point blank if you're going to see a boy, no lieing then, you have to say yes. And that truthful answer could land you on the street. Even if they don't do that, they may change and become very restrictive of you, so you don't have a chance to go see him quietly such as Mom telling you she will drive and drop you off at your girlfriends (one parent did that) or stating you have house arrest and can't leave except for job and they will call your boss or friends Mom to be sure you are there. If the answer is No, then there is Hell to pay for lying to them. Just make sure you have a back up plan cus those who came out of the closet to very religious parents have ended up kicked out, disowned or if allowed to stay, were subjected to many accounts of pastors and other clergy coming to the house to pray for the devil to leave this 'adult child'. I've heard such things from those who wrote in for advice, and know some things like this from hearing it from people I know plus what I shared about myself. I still feel so badly now when I think about how awful it was for my child to be singled out to class as the one whose Mom didn't want her to hear the Harry Potter tale. To make up to the kids, when all the movies came out, we watched them and even bought them.
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The answer from "Solid Advice" is a good one, and I also support what was said. If you wish to be treated as an adult, you have to act like one, and that means making your own choices, right or wrong. You didn't supply any information about the relationship with your boyfriend, and perhaps that's also an important piece when it comes to how your parents feel about this.
I presume you are still living in their home? Otherwise, you might not wish to share such information to begin with. And...living in their home does place you under some obligation to live and behave in a manner that they find acceptable.
The answer, of course, is to become independent and to move into your own digs.
Meanwhile, I would not lie to them, they deserve the truth, and you also need to let them know where you will be and when and with whom, just as a courtesy, as well as for your own safety .
Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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Lying to your parents about your whereabouts is never a good thing or to be in the habit of or even doing once. It breaks the trust they have with you regardless of age. You may be an adult now but there is that layer of respect for them and they of you that shouldn't be broken.
It's hard sometimes for parents to let their kids go. They might think that you are with the wrong person or that you shouldn't spend time with a boyfriend overnight. They might be against it because they might feel you shouldn't be intimate with someone yet. That's the immediate thing they would object on. They may have worries about you being sexually active or something along those lines for objecting to you staying at his place.
You are an adult at 20 and can make adult decisions. I think you hit the nail on the head that the only thing you need to do is be honest with them and tell them where you are going and that you will be spending the night there. They might not like that and you can't control anyone's reaction but at least you are being honest and that's what counts.
I don't know much about how being Hispanic would influence their thinking and position on this to be honest and how it would be a no no. I think all you can do is let them know the truth and let the chips fall where they may. You are 20-years-old and ultimately as an adult it's your decision what you do but also try to take into account why they may have an objection and talk with them as an adult would about how they feel and how you think it's your decision and no big deal. Put everything into proper context and let them know you are level headed and wont rush into anything etc and that it's just a situation of hanging out or whatever and not what they may think. That's all you can do. Just be honest like you mentioned above.
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