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is this how kissing is supposed to be?
For context, I am a sixteen year old girl in high school. I’ve kissed a boy before, but never more than a peck. Just recently, my boyfriend and I made out for the first time. Now I know people will say that it tends to be awkward and all, but it was more than that. I feel like there was no chemistry there and there was no pleasure. It was a weird sensation because I had built up this idea in my head of a perfect romantic kiss and this was nothing like I had pictured. I feel bad saying it, but I was disappointed. It’s hard to describe because there was no buildup and no feeling attached to it.
My questions are as follows: is it normal to not feel anything at all when kissing someone? does the person you’re with truly effect how it feels? how can I fix this and should I talk to him about it or not?
I would like to thank you in advance for your time and I appreciate the help.
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I wouldn't say that it's a chemistry issue. Obviously you have chemistry and like or love one another and that's not the problem. I think the issue is that you put too much pressure on yourself and built up in your mind this fantasy of exactly how it should be and were disappointed when it didn't add up.
The problem I think has to do with inexperience and never having done anything other than a peck on the lips before. You can't expect to have proper technique or a sense of chemistry and lack any awkwardness if this was your first attempt at something you never tried before.
I wouldn't give up on him or this. I think you need to learn to communicate what it is you're looking for in terms of pleasure or sparks and work on technique and get it to the point you both are comfortable.
Fear and nerves can get in the way of anything. I think all of the build up led to a first time bad experience that you both can work on and fix because you have the chemistry part down but not any experience with what you were doing.
It's a lot like riding a bike without training wheels for the first time. You're going to take out a lot of shrubs until you get things down pat. You can't expect to run before walking even here.
There's a lot of info on the Internet about techniques and how to navigate. You might want to do a Google search and see what you come up with.I wouldn't give up on your relationship with this person just yet. Start communicating and be honest with him that the first time did nothing for you and that you have to work together to find what feels right for each of you.
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Depends on who you are kissing with, if the wrong person, its normal to not feel anything. I have found it can feel even worse, like you are romantically being kissed by a male relative, like a grandpa, Dad or Uncle. You know what I mean, its that "Eeuw" gross feeling inside and you dont ever want to kiss again. This means you lack chemistry.
I didn't learn any of this until much older in life. Will explain later.
There is the kind of chemistry for friendship which is platonic, not romantic, but an important part of a couple relationship. The only thing that makes for a great partner, dating or married is another chemistry both will have, the romantic chemistry. this has nothing to do with how handsome, how rich a guy is. I once put up a dating profile after a divorce and in my late forties was learning this stuff for the first time. Went out to meet a guy who wrote to me. He looked like a male model, sooo gorgeous I was inwardly salivating just looking at him. But as we sat and talked, neither of us felt the romantic connection. I learned later I didn't need to even kiss a guy to discover if there was this crucial chemistry to make this go way beyond just friendship. I did not feel anything as you put it. I felt he was so handsome. But I lacked the response in my body, the lack of my heart beating harder, that tingling or feeling you might get in the private area, and most of all, the want to be in their presence as much and as close as possible. I know I wondered back then if I just didn't feel it cus we hadn't kissed. I had gone on other meet ups and usually the guy tried to kiss me good bye. If he didn't, I'd initiate. Went once on a date to dinner and then his house and we had sex but there was no connection. It was nothing more than going through the motions of having sex, definitely didn't feel like making love to someone who loved you as much as you did them. I did get plenty of guys who thought they felt chemistry, but I didn't. Believe me, it has to be a two way street and both of you feel the romantic chemistry. This is why young girls are confused when they feel drawn towards a guy but he doesn't feel anything back and pretty much won't respond back to anything and even try to avoid her. So as for dating, I feel there are steps to it. I don't know if you even have a list of attributes or characteristics you are looking for in a guy, but I was told to make one when divorced. My list evolved as I got guys asking about things I did not put out as criteria they needed to be able to meet me and date me.
See, the thing is to avoid dating to find out if the guy is right or wrong for you. You weed out what you obviously don't want, then you agree to date the ones who look promising. While dating, you check more closely and hopefully are spending enough time together so you can see his temperaments. Whats he like when sad. Does he get angry and dump it on others, or you too, or seldom if not at all. What's he like when stressed. How does he emotionally handle unexpected change? The list goes on. Right now is practice time so you'll be ready to choose the right guy to live with life long, married or not and have children with. So this kind of dating is still exploratory. If you feel that after scrutiny, he's still a good bet, you start going steady, or dating exclusively. Now about the word Exclusive, you know it means only each other, not seeing anyone else. However it is seldom brought up in conversation. So what I did when looking for a new husband was to tell guys, I was looking for my new mate, a new husband, but just because I spend time initially with a guy dating, doesn't mean I have chosen him. I point blank told them all if a promising guy contacted me, I would check him out too. Keep in mind, these males were not teenaged but older men. And not one of them had a problem with seeing me, even though they knew I might be seeing another guy at the same time. Not one! And that surprised me. So my understanding is, that guys (don't know about teens tho)like to be told what the plan is, don't mind a woman dating around, seeing other guys, as long as she in time settles on one guy. And as long as she tells them this upfront, before an actual date. I gave them permission ahead that if anything I said made them want to walk away now or at any point to simply tell me and then go. I would hold nothing against them but wanted to know if they were doing the same. At 16 or even 18, any male you may meet and date is not yet the man he will someday become. Yes, a HS gf, bf can become ones marriage partner but that is extremely rare. So guys are going to hopefully grow in character and change for the better as they grow up. The last thing to develope to maturity on all people is the frontal cortex to the brain, where decision making in great part happens. It is not mature til 25. I married at 20 and that was a mistake. I didn't have the mental maturity to make a good decision because looking back, I can see there were warning signs, or red flags if you wish, but I could not see them for what they were. Don't be scared or think I am talking you out of dating. This is a time to learn what you like in a guy and what you do not like. Thats more important than anyone might think.
Yes, I did find chemistry with a few guys. One out of state while staying with sis after my divorce. But even so, I finally saw he wanted his privacy and alone time more than he wanted a wife or live in partner. He only wanted a girl friend who had her own place, and we'd only do something together and go to our own homes. I did not want that, wanted more. I had to go back to help a daughter and it would involve time and he though sad to see me go told me I would not be returing to him. He told me he knew I would find a guy back in my homestate. I knew he wasn't husband material, just lover material in 3 months. We had the chemistry but the other stuff wasn't lined up. When back, I met another guy on line dating whom I really liked when we met. We actually did the stuff a married couple does. Shopping, gardening, cooking meals together but I didn't move in with him. Everything about him was great, how he treated friends and had them meet me and really like me, how he treated his parents, etc. The only thing that was a turn off was that he was something of a pack rat or hoarder in training. He had to clear kitchen counter and table top so we could cook and sit to eat. But he was fun to date and he wasn't seriously in the marriage mood, Not against it, but not now. No one else who was promising contacted me. Finally after about 5 months dating, I got a message from a guy that was unlike the words of any other guy, I could feel a connection already in just the words. Although I knew to not get my hopes up, that romantic chemistry is something you can't pick up on line or over phone but in person. He believed the same so we squeeze in a quick meet up between his break time as a delivery driver and my start as late afternoon part time care giver for one woman. When he got out of his truck, I walked up to him as he wasn't coming towards me. I wanted to feel his energy so I walked up, greeted him and gave him a hug, the kind that lasts, with you hanging on for a while. I felt the energy and I wanted to touch his long hair so while hugging him, I played a bit with his long hair. We talked about 15 minutes in my car, he didn't kiss but we were close. A couple days later, he said on one of our nightly phone calls, that he really wanted another one of my hugs. A few days later, another care giving client had asked me to take him to a store in the parking lot we had met so I told him that I would be there with client so when he got there, he should call me and I would come out to give him a hug. We hugged and he held me but didn't make a move to kiss me. As I found out later, he was being the gentleman and waiting until I was ready which meant i had to kiss first. I gave him a kiss outside that store and my first thought was, Darn, I am on the job and so is he, but I really want more kisses. However, it was only two minutes or so and he was off on his route. Thats how you know the chemistry is there. So what you tell this guy is that you like him as a friend but you just felt no romantic chemistry with him. I actually told all the guys that I met but didn't like that there was no chemistry for me and for some reason, that is something guys seem to understand. Don't know if teen boys are an exception but that would be the best thing you could say to the guy. Plus stating you therefore won't be his girlfriend. Better to say to any new guy that you need to hang out a while, just the two of you to decide if you want to be his girlfriend. If he has such low self esteem that he doesn't like it, or he feels it would hurt his image, don't ever date him. The few guys who don't like a female who lays down the rules and is self confident, are most likely controllers who will at some point abuse their girlfriends or wife. MOst guys find a gal who tells them ahead of time what she will tolerate and what she wont if they date, to be like an aphrodisiac, they feel like moths drawn to a flame, you are irresistable. Yep, I saw that happen to guys and I don't look like a model. It would seem, its more a turn on that females speak up for themselves and take the role of stating boundaries first and then both together work on any future things together compromising. If its all what one person of a couple wants and the other hardly ever getting what they need and want, then its the wrong person for you.
Lastly, there is something called New Relationship Energy. I read this ages ago somewhere but dont remember where. It was helpful. NRE for short, is an actual energy that mimics at first, the chemistry a couple needs. Remember when as a kid you gave hints as to what you wanted, and then got them for Birthday or Christmas gifts. How excited you were, and didn't want to do anything but play with that toy. But if the toy wasn't something that could engage your interest forever, if it was the wrong kind of fit for you, after some time, you never picked it up again. My example is seeing a doll my height practically as a 4 yr old and getting it for CHristmas. I was excited but the excitement soon wore off. It was a hassle to carry this giant life sixed doll around and having tea partys with a doll soon held no interest. My parents discovered my love of creative things and art so Spirograph, Etch a Sketch, paint by numbers, crayons, markers, color books, bracelet or jewelry kits, or the make things with a loom, were the kinds of things that never lost my interest because I had a creative streak that wanted those things. The same happens with people. At first, just having a guy pay attention and want to take you on a date is so exciting, like recieving that wrapped Christmas gift. The same kind of excitement is there, and people mistake this excitement for feeling you have chemistry. That is one thing I failed at when younger. My boyfriend was the first guy to kiss me and date me. It felt special to have his romantic and sexual attention. Being it was all new to me, anything new is exciting so it was, so I assumed we were a romantic match. Wrong I was. We married under a year later and even then, being with him was so so, nothing exciting. But I believed that a love like this had to grow over time. I eventually thought that there was no such thing as romance that I saw in movies or read in books. It was over-rated. All that time I had no idea I was with the wrong person for me, and since there was no chemistry, he blamed it on me saying I was frigid, not sexy enough to spark his interest. Sex was only when he wanted it which was barely once a week and only on days where he didn't have work the next day. By now, I have told you so much more than you actually asked for but I hope you see how this all goes together. I am essentially giving out the advice now you may need in a few years as well as for now. Blessings to you hon.
t
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Perhaps the reason you didn't feel anything special was the context? That is, you kissed your "boyfriend", but just what kind of relationship might you have with him? I suspect that it isn't much of anything special, hence, neither was the kiss.
We kiss differently with differernt people and on different occasions. You kiss your mom good night, give your grandma a peck on the cheek, even kiss a dog or a cat on occasion. But when a romantic kiss involves a "boyfriend" and there's no "chemistry", I wonder wheher you and he have any special feelings for one another, at least on your part.
You are new at this, and I'll bet that has a lot to do with it, as well. Kissing can be sexually stimulating and lead to heightened sexual feeling, encouraging each of you to go further, etc.
If you didn't feel anything like this, well...who knows? !
So how do you really feel about him? Overall, I wouldn't worry too much about the whole thing. I suspect it will soon resolve itself one way or another, over time. Maybe he isn't the one for you. Maybe, its even possible , that you aren't attracted to the opposite sex. Maybe you, or both of you, were too tense or anxious to allow any pleasurable feelings in. Who knows?!
Not to worry, in any case. Life goes on, and sooner or later, the whole thing will become clearer. Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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