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How do I even respond?
28/f
32/m
Has anyone ever expected you to “be fine” after your loss?
I feel like my boyfriend expects me to be that way. For example, I lost my job because of Covid, my dad passed away, then I moved out and was nomading for a bit, lived with my toxic mom sleeping on an air mattress for another month, found out that my dog is 75% blind and is dying of old age, and moved into a new place again just three weeks ago. All of this happened within a six month period.
My boyfriend was there for me for all of these things. As a matter of fact he came into my life three months before I lost my job. So he came into my life at a very strange time. And now that I’m just now starting to get back on my feet and started my new job two weeks ago, I had a meltdown because I started grieving about my dad.
He then told me that he felt like we’re not compatible because of our “personalities” and that he “was patient and understanding because he knew I was going through a lot and was having a hard time, but it feels like it’s still continuing.” He told me he lost his best friend and was fine after a few months and I told him it’s different you lose the parent closest to you.
How do I even respond to this?
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Much in the same vein as DrStephanie, I believe the best way for you to process this rather rapid sequence of significant traumas is via professional guidance and help. We cannot rely on truly objective advice or useful assistance from those we are close to. There is always an element which is more or less subjective. Your boyfriend clearly lacks the level of commitment required to stand beside you. Even if he had done, he cannot ultimately 'handle it' for you. It would have been nice to have had some support in this troubled period though. Anecdotal evidence of the 'my friend had this and he did that and he was fine' nature is of no help whatsoever. His reasons for wanting out of the relationship ring rather hollow to my ears, and are hardly concealing the more likely driver, namely 'you are too high maintennance mentally and emotinally for me to deal with, and I'm not even going to try'. And in fact we usually see such levels of commitment in couples who have already invested a great deal in each other. Many years of their lives, shared mortgage on a home, children yet to reach majority age etc. This is all about you. Be selfish. Take whatever help you can get from those best qualified to provide it. What you need is a pathway out. That pathway will be unique to yourself. The strength and resolve to follow it can only come from inside yourself. Professional helpers more or less help you realise what that path looks like, and fix you up with a map and a compass. Essential for the journey, but you've got to do the leg-work yourself.
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Is his name on your lease? If not you should send him packing. You are going to continue feeling miserable with someone like him in your life now and in the future. Anyone who tells you or gives you the vibe that you should get over the recent loss of a parent is just so ignorant and doesn't understand the reality if he's comparing it to losing his friend. He won't know what you are feeling until he experiences it himself.
It appears what has happened here is that you were/are very vulnerable and let the wrong person into your life at the wrong time. This happens to a lot of people men and women both. You likely had your guard down more than usual.
You're very smart and have figured out that you are incompatible and have a much nicer personality than he does. I think unless you let him go you'll forever be miserable with him because he's dragging you down even further.
You have the absolute right to feel the way you do and grieve and even have a meltdown over the trauma of losing a parent and the crappy stuff that has come since. This is natural and he sure as hell doesn't get it or respect you. Grief is a process and takes a lot of time to heal something so raw and so new. Take that time for yourself and find someone you can talk to about it--a therapist because it will really, really help you to let it all out and be supported.
The guy is all wrong for you and I think the only response is to ask him to leave. If he's not supporting you now he sure won't in the future. This is a preview for a bad movie before the main event. It's only going to get worse with him. You deserve a lot better and free of a jerk like that.
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He might be right on one thing, that you both are not compatible, meaning to me that you are not the right match. Men tend to hunt around and date quite a while and many women until they find the one they want to be with forever. Even moving in, and saying you're his girlfriend, doesn't necessarily mean a guy has decided to choose you, that he can't live without you and wants to love and cherish and take care of you the rest of his life. If my 2nd husband, first was abusive verbally) sees tears, it may be due to a sad story in movie and book and I may be crying just thinking of it later. But he is very concerned, and has asked me if its anything he might have said or done. One time it was, but it wasn't his fault, I had never thought to mention it was something I don't like. Now that he knew, he has never repeated it. He compliments a lot like, I get built up instead of torn down nt the kind of thing that comes across as uncaring which was already mentioned with your bf's impatience. He felt he was patient and understanding. But in his mind there must have been a time table in which he felt was normal for you to grieve or recover from all the other emotional bad news. Yeah, its different losing a friend, unless you had no siblings, or did not get along with siblings but the friend was like a brother to you and you were both so wrapped up in each others lives and spent lots of time together, closer than the words, Best and closest friend could describe. I don't think they were even that close that he could feel as devastated as you. Yes, its different, but if he'd had such a close connection, he might have had a little inkling of what you are going through. And there is no time limit or how on grieving. Some recover quicker than others. A guy who was in love with you, (this is different than just loving you for a few aspects) would have been hurting along side with you, not because he is grieving and suffering other losses, but because it hurts him to see you crying and hurting, and frustration that there isn't or wasn't anything he could do to protect you from these losses or the harshness of life, something all of us need to face at some point, only you got it all at once. You needed a safe shelter to go to in these times, the safe harbour that he should have been if he was mature enough and truly loved you deeply, enough to lay aside his wants and focus on helping you. As there isnt much one can do to help, the best one can do is simply give you extra love, kind uplifting words, understanding, and just be present to hold you and say that things will be better in time.
To me, home is not an address or city, home is my husband and he feels the same about me. As long as we are physically with each other, we are home. And home also is supposed to be the safe place you can go, when hurting, when the world doesn't understand you, when you've been treated mean or harshly in the world. But you didn't have that with him either. If you want more of feeling you're all alone with no one who loves you enough to really care, then stay with him. Or start planning, and find a way to leave him. A guy can be rich, hot looking, but empty inside or a cesspool of gross behavior inside. Go beyond skin deep, look at what a man is like on the inside. You just got a good glimpse of who he is on the inside. There's nothing wrong with you for not catching it earlier. I too was fooled by guys acting so nice in the beginning to catch my interest. If I went on more than one date with them, sometimes thats all it took for them to feel they had me on the hook and I was so in love with him that I would be able to tolerate their faults. I made it clear after a divorce what I did and did not want. Being allergic to cigarette smoke, I put that in. One guy claimed he didn't smoke but on date #3 he felt comfortable and pulled a cigarette out on his pocket without thinking and then looked guilty. I ended that one. People can keep up a false personality that seems nice sometimes for even months but in looking back I know that a person can't keep it up longer. I didn't know what to look for in the ex at the time, but the red flags were there. He couldn't keep up the false personality more than a month after marriage and kept it up a year while dating and engaged because we weren't around each other 24/7 . So I also feel that living together is another good way to find the stuff too easy to hide when living separately. Now agree and split up, or he leaves and you add this to the list of things that were very painful for you to deal with, or another better choice is to see the bright side, at least you won't be wasting more of your life on him and thank God he's not the father of any of your children. Learn from this experience to not settle for less and go for someone just like him, always go for someone better, and eventually you'll find your life partner. I am sorry for your grief and losses. If it had happened to me, I know I would have puffy red eyes and dripping snotty nose more often than not. You are carrying a big load of hurt, and though you may feel it is crushing you, in actually it is strengthening you. I hope this quote I wrote once, helps cheer you a bit.
"As with an Antique, the ravages of life upon an individual create a more precious thing in the end, giving one more character and charm, gaining the status of being precious for simply still being.”
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I would suggest to you that your "boyfriend" lacks sensitivity as well as the ability to empathize. The message he gave you was..."I've been patient, now get over it." I would suggest otherwise to you, get over HIM ! You can do better, and he's not worthy of you. As for your multiple losses and stresses over the last few months, please accept my sympathies. You have had multiple stresses to deal with, and it would be abnormal for you not to react to them, as you have been doing.
Instead of spending any futher energy on this unsympathetic person, ask yourself how you can priorities your feelings and needs, and where else you might receive support and guidance to help you get through all this, rather than "getting over it."
You might benefit from some supportive counseling. Sliding fee scale or even free counseling can be found in most communities, check in the directory of helping services, the reference section of your library, for a start. Many schools and agencies have counseling services available as part of their training programs.
If you didn't have ongoing issues and stresses remaining from all you are going through, I'd really wonder if you were alive ! Good wishes and good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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