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I'm 22 and I think my mom is controlling me
I'm 22 and I think my mom is controlling me. I'll give one example.
So recently me and my mother went to the grocery. I was wearing a mask and she wasn't, (since some places are now allowing for masks off). Before we even left the house, I had my mask under my nose. Since it's been a year that people are required to wear it out, I often times forget im even wearing it as I've become used to it. Next thing I know my mom is screaming at me to take it off. Calling me names and all types of things. I just try to tell her its not a big deal and its just a mask but she gets even angrier.
She continues to yell at me in the car until we arrive at the store. At this point im crying my eyes out because she won't stop yelling. She leaves the car to go inside the store and I stay inside to calm down. Then after 5 minutes or so I go inside. I'm forced to wear the mask under my nose or else she'll start up another fight in the middle of the store, yet she still does anyway.
I tell her a couple of times to stop and speak normally to me like the human being that I am, but she ignores and goes on about how the mask is a "dog muzzle" and how much I look like a "psychopath". She knows I have social anxiety yet she says this anyway.
(Not to mention 95% of people in the store are wearing masks)
Anyway, it ends with my crying in the middle of store begging her to stop talking about it. But of course, this makes her angrier. She tells me "I've asked you normally in the past to take it off but because you didnt listen I have to do it this way now".
I cried all the way home and then had a talk with her once we came back. At the end, she said "You have a pretty face I dont want you to cover it with a mask." As if I'm some type of trophy for her to show off.
I'm ashamed as a 22 year old that I've let this affect me to the point of crying. She's done many things like this was just one example. I'm not sure how to deal with this chaotic behavior and could use some advice on how to deal with it when it happens next time.
Thanks.
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If you were 13 or 15, I'd have a completely different answer for you. But honey, you are a full fledged ADULT at 22. Are you still living with your mother? Why?
If this is how she is, its time to fly the coop ! Not only can she no longer control your life and choices, including whether to mask or not, (unless you continue to LET her!), but she's way off base, if not emotionally imbalanced, to avoid masking and to demand that you do the same, in this most perilous of pandemics.
How do I put it politely? Your mother is a nutcase !
At 22, no one can tell you what to do unless you are willing to let them. I suspect that its not only about masking, but that there has been a long and detailed history of being over controlled by her, for both smaller and larger issues, as well.
If you are still at home, think about how and when you can leave. Meanwhile, if you refuse to engage when something like this happens, she can only argue with herself.
Start acting like the independent adult you deserve to become. If you act like one, others will treat you as such...with the possible exception of your mother !
Good luck and good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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It's verbal abuse and she is wrong. Masks wearing isn't a political thing but people who are ill informed are making it out to be. It's a piece of fabric that may in fact save your life whether or not a Republican state says to take it off and Democrats tell you not to.
The fact of the matter is that unless you are fully vaccinated you should wear one. You have to be careful of variants and think that some people are idiots not taking Covid seriously. You can't trust others so wear the mask.
If she gets upset about it tough. You are an adult and at 22-years-old can make your own choice based on the facts about Covid. If you want to mask and she doesn't want you to wear one and you feel more comfortable wearing it do so.
If you're wearing it with your nose exposed that's exposing yourself to other people's problems as you are aware and a COVID risk. Next time tell her that she can go shopping alone because you have had it over the mask and what she thinks about wearing one. Let her know you aren't going anywhere without it.
I wouldn't cry at anything she does or get annoyed nor have anxiety over her blanket ignorance. If she wants to risk getting COVID-19 and not listen to facts that's on her but you have made your choice and one that protects you and that's all you need to do.
If she kicks up a fuss in a store let her embarrass herself while you still wear the mask and allow for other people around her to hear how she is berating you and watch them step in to stop it.
You don't have to put up with her even if she is your mother being abusive verbally and attacking you for a choice that you feel is best and most comfortable.
Tell her that you respect her and feel as an adult that she needs to respect you even if she doesn't agree with your choice to wear a mask and that you would never say or do the things she has with you over this.
If she doesn't stop and is causing you a ton of anxiety talk to someone you trust over it be it a relative or a teacher that can approach her about her behaviour and challenge her on it and let her know that it's hurting you and needs to stop.
If there's another family member, teacher, or someone she listens to they can let her know that this is unacceptable and that you're an adult and can make choices for yourself.
If there is a next time point out that 95% of people are wearing one and if she doesn't want to wear one herself that's fine but you'll be wearing one in the store. If she kicks up a fuss stay in the car or leave the store while she shops. If she gets the message that you don't want to be with her and want to sit in the car instead she'll get it.
I really think it will take another adult to point out how ridiculous she is being with her beliefs and berating you and causing you anxiety that you just don't need. I wouldn't go shopping or anywhere with her if this is how she will act. Don't go if you can't be sure she won't launch into a tirade in the store.
If she did this again in a store find an employee of the store to talk to her and calm her down and then leave to the car. They can stop a verbal tirade or uncomfortable situation in their stores or ask someone to leave even.
The bottom line is you're 22-years-old, an adult and not a child and are following COVID-19 protocols to be safe even if she won't. Hold your head high and don't let any of her words, action or abuse bother you. Remind yourself that it's where she's at and don't let it rattle you. Ask her to respect you and not do this kind of thing in public or you won't go anywhere with her again.
Wear your mask properly and not below your nose no matter what. I'm sure if you find people to back you up that she trusts and ask her to respect your wishes like she would want you to with her that it will sink in. She doesn't have a right to verbally abuse you and you should push back at her on that. You'll be okay once you start standing up for yourself. That's what you need to do instead of letting her rattle you.
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I have an ex husband who was like this and worse. This is called verbal abuse. She is the adult so if she is simply stressed about something, she as an adult should be making better decisions, and not dump off her stress, using you as an outlet for spilling her frustrations on. In the end, my ex had some mental illness the Dr. didn't have the chance to figure out but the little he'd heard with me there, showed him that was an issue. The question is whether Mom acted like this before the pandemic. If she is a chronic abuser, the issue is something she would have to be ready to admit she has. My ex hasn't admitted his to this day and stopped going to Dr. which was the last straw and moved me to leave him. If this behavior has cropped up since the pandemic, then your Mom is one of tons of people who have been affected mentally by the pandemic. I thought if I was still married to my ex during a pandemic and stuck in doors with him, I probably would be dead by now at worst or seeing a psychologist at best. Many couples have split up because they were with the wrong partner. Your situation is worse because it is family. We don't want to lose family but 24/7 stress of this magnitude leads to depression or physical ailments. I got all the stress related ailments, including all over body rash and ulcers and migraines. In a dream, I felt God saying if I did not leave and continued allowing myself to be abused this way, the stress would continue to build until I died of heart attack or cancer. I wanted to be a grandmother someday, so I heeded that vision. Don't be ashamed. You had no choice, not knowing your Mom was capable of this. Her words probably feel like stab wounds to your heart. I know that's what I felt when treated that way. And yes the tears too. This is because you are nothing like her, you are a caring sweet person. If you weren't you'd be dishing back whatever she gave you, willing to go to the point of fist fights. So crying for a release is nothing to be ashamed of. If you were a minor, your only resort to getting Mom help would be contacting a child protection agency, CPS where I live. I even have family that were involved with CPS. They are not into spitting up family, just getting parents the help with classes, seeing a counselor while the kids are in temp care. I know this for a fact through seeing it happen to family. However you are an adult and will have to make a decision as I did, whether I would subject myself to such treatment or make plans and leave. I am guessing you live at home with parents which is what many do in these tough economic times. If you don't live with Mom, stop getting together with her and wait til she asks why, then tell her its because she's so full of anger and she verbally abuses you. If she is willing to see a professional and get the medical help she needs, you will support her. Otherwise, she won't be seeing you at all for now. I am figuring you also do not have a husband. A man who is in love with and cares about every little thing that could harm you or upset you, will be a good thing to have backing you up. Let Mom scream at him until he lays down the rules. No calls either, and she is won't respect it, change numbers and don't give her the new one. Blocking her is one way but many who had a person to dump on, don't want to lose their dump ground and will become devious, resorting to using or borrowing others phones.
So the decision and action lay entirely with you. We can not change other people. We only have control over what we choose to do as a person. So you may have to decide to go in with two or three other gals and get an apt to share. You aren't th only one who needs to get away from the parents to flourish. There will be others. If you attend a church, talk to the pastor and mention you want to leave but cant afford it and wonder if anyone at church can help. My oldest went to a church of her own choosing in her Senior. yr at H.S. She wanted to become independent and no longer live at home, not leaving due to mistreatment. She asked her pastor when she was ready to live away from home, was working but couldn't afford it yet and he asked the congregation and she was offered a place by an older woman for a while. From that she found friends to become roommates with and rented an apt. You will need to earn some kind of income to at least help a kind person willing to take you in, with anything you can, water bill you add to, food, whatever.
So until you are away from Mom, next time she says anything, inside your mind, tell yourself that she is the one with the problem, none of what she says is true. Then do not say a word. I tried that with my ex, and trying for logic in a calm voice, only added fuel to his fire and made him angrier. I contructed a way to deal with this. Every time he started verbal abuse, in my mind I went to a different place or I would think about something I could look forward to, like a friends baby shower and how I would help in setting it up. Somehow, once he ran out of steam, I automatically popped out of my mind to the real world. This is NOT a cure for the problem. After I left the ex, a retired counselor friend told me they witnessed me using my coping mechanism because I was so used to it and got permission to bring it to my attention each time they noticed it. I found myself having a conversation with someone and then all of a sudden my attention wasn't on what they were saying but off in my mind thinking of other things. I no longer needed to use this coping mechanism but it was now a habit like wearing masks is. Don't listent to Mom's idea of wearing a mask and her insult if you do. YOu are the smart one. Just heard on news that those who got PFizer vaccine are finding that it loses strength after time and you end up not immunized. Plus there is the more deadly variant already in the US. Although it hasn't spread as fast as it could due to so many vaccinated. But there will have to be booster shots for all citizens of some kind or another. So if I were you, I would continue to wear a mask if you are among lots of people in public. If outdoors alone, I feel safe not wearing one and only pull mine up if passing someone on the path or sidewalk. I plan to get any future boosters. But this is not over yet, this is only a big break before the pandemic hits us in another big wave.
I used to have social anxiety very bad. I was terrified if someone smiled at me or just said hello because I thought that meant they would take to me and I didn't know how to hold a conversation. I also assume good natured teasing was others being mean and bullied. I was bullied only by one gal the last two years of high school.
But I no longer have it. You can too. If interested, I can paste in a document on what I did to get healed of that. Its so easy. Doesn't cost anything but your time and sticking with the exercises until cured. And by the way, for me it was only a couple months, no longer. If you ask for that, do so only by going to my column dragonflymagic and writing me from there or I won't be able to answer. This site is set up for you to post a help for general, any advice person who wants to answer and also when you go to the column of an advice person and writing them from there.
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I had a mother like that. She's dead now. I feel your pain in terms of having to deal with someone thats incorrigible. And back then, pretty much the only way to get away from that is to literally get away, as in, move out. You really can't change people. Especially your parents. So, really, you gotta move out, so she can't control you. Harsh, but true. If you really want to escape this abuse, and it IS abuse, you gotta do what you gotta do to get your own place. Parents are set in their ways. its almost impossible to get them out of that mindset. So, harsh and tough as it might seem, you gotta make it on your own eventually anyway. So might as well start now. The sooner the abuse ends, the better. Might be hard to move out, etc. (which is something you'll want to do anyway) But the effort will pay off. Not to have someone "harpying" over you. critisizing, scrutinizing and demeaning you. Its not easy, but its worth it. So you gotta ask yourself: what is really important to you? Is you staying in this current situation worth what you have to put up with? or getting a job, making enough $ to get your own place more worth it? (again, you have to do this anyway) Might as well start now. Sorry to lay some harsh truths on you. but life is not easy. But most of us make it, like I'm sure you will too. Way better to try, than being stuck in an inescapable situation. You pretty much gotta get out of there. otherwise she will continue to control you. Speaking from my own personal experience here. Good luck.
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