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Relationship advice
Well, my boyfriend has been acting differently, he won't say "I love you" back to me like he normally does. We argue from time to time and now I just feel sad and drained. I feel like he's cheating on me now at this point. He says he wouldn't do that, but I feel like he is.
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If I can find a question in your comments, it might be..."What can I do to understand and resolve the difference between what he says and how he has been acting?" And how can our relationship improve?
So let me try to help. The main priority in both instances must be communication. For example:
"I need to be reaassured that you still love me, since you have stopped saying it." (Do you need to be constantly reassured? Is this driving him away?)
And, "These are the reasons I still feel worried that you may be cheating, even though you say you aren't: (You can fill in the blanks here.)
And, "Something is wrong with our relationship, or I wouldn't be feeling so sad and drained. When we argue, we might need some better communication and problem solving skills. "
So, I might suggest to you that doing a bit of couples' counseling would teach you those skills and make your problems easier to resolve.
One helpful hint: people tend to be defensive when they argue, and not to really listen to what the other person has to say and how they feel. Try it. Focus less on defending yourself and more on conveying to your partner that you really hear, sympathize and understand how they are feeling. This alone will go a long way toward improving things when you argue.
Good luck, good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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So if you are saying that he said I love you in the past, but isn't doing so now, there are a couple possibilities. First one I thought of is called NRE, New relationship energy. When I describe it, you'll know what it is cus I guarantee you've felt it. NRE is a heightened state of feeling, of excitement at your new relationship partner. This feeling is much like the anticipation of a wanting birthday or Christmas gift and when you finally get it, you are so so very excited, can't get enough of it, you just love this new item and spend so much time with it. This is the same thing with a twist when you talk about a brand new relationship. The feelings are so strong that its easy to think its real love. So its possible he really thought he was in love and could say so. Unfortunately, this heightening feeling doesn't last forever, a couple months, maybe a few more but pretty much, the newness and this NRE feeling eventually end and you are left with what ever the two really have in common or not. This also means that the love one felt is no longer there and they may come to the conclusion that they are with the wrong person but not knowing the existence or possibility that it was NRE, they have no way to explain it to their partner. If this is the case, the best you can expect is maybe a best friend if he treats you well as a person but the love and romance you both thought was there, just isn't because it never was, it never existed, only the false impression of a real love. This is one reason he may not say I love you and the argueing because he is unhappy and just as surprised as you that he is not feeling it anymore. There is no cheating in this scenerio as the cause. NRE is one cause of couples who seemed so in love for two months, now splitting up.
There are families that never showed much affection which is especially so if the female in the relationship wasn't big on hugs and kissses or saying I love you. They do love people but quietly in their own way. I know people like this and my ex's grandma was like this so her son, my father in law, was the same. I knew he loved me as a daughter but he was stiff as a board when I tried hugging him. In this scenerio, he may never have been one to show or speak affection. Then the fact that he did for a while may indicate that he was simply pretending to be and act in ways that would impress you and end up with you being his gal. It doesn't mean he doesn't love in this case, just that he's got a problem of feeling uncomfortable in doing so and there is no other female in this scenerio either.
Since you stated how you feel he's cheating and that he say he wouldn't do that, I know it wasn't just your feelings but that you asked about cheating and asked also why he doesn't say I love you. What I don't know is HOW you asked. There are a couple ways, and if you imagine the tables turned and him asking you the same questions, one way he asks would sound like he is accusing you right off the bat. The other would sound more like an information gathering session in which he is not guilty before proven innocent. Of course, I am grandma age now and have had plenty time to perfect this, but when younger, I too asked questions the wrong way. If he asked you, "Are you cheating on me?" Wouldn't you feel like he's already deduced this must be true so why answer because he's going to think so anyways. At my age now, if I were dating and a guy asked that....I would realize he has noticed some things that are giving him cause to believe I might be having an affair. I would not say No I'm not because that doesn't qualm his fears. He needs an explanation and I can't give him one until I know exactly what he has seen, witnessed, heard which cause him to even ask. I would answer his question with a question: What things have happened that cause you to think that this might be a possibility?
Now think of how a court of law works. There you hear from the accuser but you also get to hear from the accused, more than just a 'no, I didn't do it. Yet in relationships, many people are quick to accuse but not really listen to. If this was a relationship with the true commitment level of a marriage, til death do us part and both love each other but there are issues, I would recommend marriage counseling which is really about how to interact with another human being in close proximity relationship wise to you, a sibling, parent, a husband, wife, bf, gf.
You can get such a book at a library or bookstore. Ask for the relationship help books or how to communicate in a couple relationship. I can say one thing, I know I would shut down immediatelyt and not respond if in our disagreemets, I felt accused. So heres a trick, own your own feelings when you have to verballize it with someone, using I feel, rather than You make me feel. Stating the word 'You' puts the accusation on them. However stating I feel like something is causing us to be different. It's almost like I FEEL you pulling away because I haven't heard you say I love you in many (state the time frame, days, weeks, months) and I might be imagining it but I think you are acting different. (List the ways so he can explain it all away) I do this with my 2nd husband all the time, llisting whatever I need more info to so I can then adjust my feelings. See, the only thing you can do is change how you think about something, not change the others behavior.
Lastly, would be that he is keeping something from you. It could be cheating, but it might not. Perhaps another vice he knows you would not approve of. Perhaps he is getting into gambling. It could possibly be he has become a drug user since you met him and that is accounting for behavior change. All in all, if he is as committed to you as you are to him, and both of you want to make this relationship work, then both of you need to work on your communication skills because until then, this relationship is not going to be any better than rocky.
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