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How to rebuild an old friendship?
Me and a friend of mine fell out over something a few months back- we both hurt the other’s feelings unintentionally and made some mistakes; we’ve apologised to each other and I know that we both really want to be friends again. I know that with time, we’ll be able to rebuild that friendship. She was the sweetest person ever; and we just had a personality clash leading to the breakdown of a friendship.
I’ve had friends in the past that I thought were friends but turned out to be anything but; who had malicious intent towards me; but I know this person never did, this person was a true friend of mine and I wish I could rebuild it. I’m just not sure how.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
One place to start might be to share just what you've said here,with your friend. If you and she were truly good friends, perhaps she feels as you do and would welcome a chance to repair the damage. Good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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It's easy to say I am sorry, but it is harder to have a conversation about it. Just as a married couple need to communicate to each other in detail without assigning blame to resolve issues they will face from time to time, the same should be done for good friends.
I am sure that one or both of you are a bit hesitant thinking that if you have such a conversation that inadvertently something could be said that hurts the other or is taken the wrong way.
So here is a pointer. Own your feelings which means you can never ever say "You made me feel...." because that is already an accusation that it is their fault you felt that way. Most dont know about this. The better way is stating, when such and such happened, I felt ...." leaving out the words 'you made me feel. So believe me, it might take you practicing first if you intend to have the conversation. Heres an example: " Rosie, I need to state that when I gave you the birthday gift and saw your sister wearing it two days later, I felt hurt. I was under the impression that for some reason you didn't like it and gave it to her. So I need to know if I did something wrong in choosing that gift?" If she didn't like it, she can then explain why and you can tell her that you give her permission next time to tell you if she doesn't really like it so you can return it and get something else. However you might be surprised with some other kind of answer she wasn't involved in. "that little sneak! my sis stole it from me before I could wear it. I was wondering what happened to it.
I have experienced 3 family members, both parents and one sibling stop talking to me, not want to get together or patch things up. First was my Mom. Divorced from Dad and dating someone else. We both worked at the same place. I was newly married with teen sisters at home. She told me in the parking lot she has great news. She told me she was getting married to the guy she was seeing. I knew him and said, "Oh Mom, I am so happy for you." But in her mind she was expecting something else from me so she said, "When I told your sisters, they were jumping up and down from excitement." "Oh, thats great." I replied while thinking it good that none of the kids wanted her back with Dad though We still loved Dad. I didn't pick up on the clue she gave. Just because I did not jump up and down in excitement as my sisters did, she believed I was not genuine in my answer. Sometimes we all will do this, allow our minds to assume something because things did not go the way they had pictured in their minds. She totally stopped talking to me for a long time, can't remember for sure but something like 6 mos. or longer. We worked in separate departments so everyone knew who my Mom was. It became obvious to one older lady that something was wrong when she hadn't seen my Mom talk to me and avoid me everywhere in the building. I told her what was happening and she figured it out and told me about the assumption Mom had had and how she was upset about nothing I did wrong. A sister whom Mom spoke to confirmed it for me. So when my tries to get together with Mom were rebuffed, and she continued to ignore me, I had to wait until she was over her hurt due to her imagination, she eventually reached out to me and never mentioned what she had done. No ask for forgiveness. I did not care if she did not want to admit and apologize, I could be the bigger person and forgive that, i was just glad I could be in relationship again. And in case you wonder, nothing changed, she was still the loving Mom she was before her stint of silence. The other was my Dad upset at me for something imagined too and He knew no one would think he was in the right so he actually made up a false story of something awful I was supposed to have done. My younger sis believed him. He told this story to everyone at his church including one member who live not far from me and was friends with me and she told me she never wanted to see me again. Neither family member for months would speak to me. I had to wait again to speak with them because they both refused. My sis hung up every time I called. I asked her the other day if she remembered that and she said she did not remember that ever happening. It could be old age related, the not remembering. Never got apologies. This is the worst form of a 'falling out' that a person could experience. Luckily for you, she is willing to talk and get together, just embarrassed. So don't go into this expecting an apology. Just go in, hoping that you both will discuss what went wrong so you both can avoid doing whatever that was. Don't wait for her to initiate. It doesn't mean she's not willing, but deep down inside, her subconscious is probably feeling uncomfortable, some fears and it is easier to avoid those feelings if she waits for you to make the first move.
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I think the first step is to figure out and own up to her and to yourself what you contributed to the problem that ended the friendship. Try to figure out how she felt and what you contributed to the problem and work from there.
Also, let her know what you felt she did that contributed to it and listen to what both of you have to say and highlight what you like about her and that you're sorry and want to get things restarted. It's hard because you both were hurt and both have blame for it. If you acknowledge her feelings and put them ahead of your own that would be a great way to start.
Forgive what she may have done and seek forgiveness from her as well and it should be okay. You need to get together and talk face to face and agree to move forward and put it in the past.
I think your greatest problem is that you have this bug in your head that you can't get rid of that people have malicious intent towards you and expect it from them and feel slighted when they in fact never meant it that way. I have a feeling that you take things out of context a lot and see things differently a lot than how other people see what is or ins't going on.
You have to let go of that and expecting it because that's likely what is pissing her off and one sticking point in the way. You both have equal blame for things breaking down but you have to see that a big problem is the expectation that people will screw you over when in fact they may have no intention to.
Talk things out and highlight what you like about her and the reasons you were friends in the first place and as I mentioned own what you contributed to the breakdown and listen to her and agree to move forward and work to gain one another's trust. You're right it will take time but if you do these things you'll get there.
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