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humorist-workshop
How did his emotions change so fast???
So I have this friend, who I set up with my other friend. He and I aren't super close, but recently we've gotten closer because he's dating my close friend now. There's not really a problem, but I'm just super confused about how he's been acting. He and my other friend have been dating for about 4-5 weeks now? And he's already said I love you, and asked her to take that step too (he was very gentlemanly about it, didn't pressure her, that's not the problem). The problem is that just a week before she confessed to him, he told me that he was crushing on another girl from his church, and he seemed pretty smitten too, but he wasn't going to do anything about it and he claimed that he was fine just being friends with her. The next day, he told me that he had feelings for me last year, when we first met. I was dating someone when he told me this, and I knew my friend liked him so I sort of just acted surprised, and laughed it off. He claimed he was over his feelings for me, but after my relationship ended badly, obviously, I complained to all my friends about it, including him, and I kept getting the feeling that he still liked me. He didn't really like my boyfriend, and even made a bet with my friend on how short the relationship would last. He also, while I was complaining about my ex, said things like how he wouldn't be like that in a relationship, and described what he would be like in a relationship, which was basically MY ideal relationship about which I had been describing to all my friends because I had learned my lesson from my train wreck of a previous relationship. He's also very artistic and good with his hands and kept insisting on gifting me handmade carvings and jewelry even though I had turned it down a bunch of times. I was getting kind of suspicious so I told my friend, who was crushing HARD on him, but she didn't really seem to care, because soon after, she confessed to him. When I asked him about how he felt about her, he told me, and I quote, "Idk, but I don't want to ruin a chance at romance." Which okay, fair, he wants to try it out before he decides, but also CONCERNING??? Because my close friend was totally whipped and really liked him. So they start dating, but even then, they don't really act like boyfriend and girlfriend, more like best friends. She initiates everything, and he didn't object to any of it, but didn't really seem interested in romance. They went on one date, and then suddenly he texts her "love you" somewhere in their conversation I don't know the exact context. But also, I'm talking to this new guy, and he HATES him too! I'm not so self-centered to think that just that means he likes me still, but he's disliked BOTH guys I've dated/am talking to. It's not like he just hates this guy specifically. He actually denied disliking my ex, but also insulted him and made a bet on how long our relationship would last, so... And then out of the blue, after 1 date and a couple of group hangouts, he's telling my friend that he loves her? Where did that even come from??? I find it hard to believe that his feelings changed that fast, or that he actually loves her, because, um, we're in high school and they've only been dating for a couple of weeks. And then school let out and they haven't seen each other except at MY birthday party. Can someone just explain to me how his emotions could possibly have taken a complete 180? Is this normal? What is even happening?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You asked how this could be happening and whether its normal? Well, for young teens, like thirteen, yeah, curshing and the "L word" and sudden changes, its not unheard of. You said high school? Well, even then...but even so, its a sign of immaturity and inexperience, certainly suggesting that no one else should rely upon this person for any longer term relationships or committments, etc.
Hopefully, for himself as well as others, this boy will eventually mature a little more and grow out of this very early stage in relationships.
Meanwhile, no one should take however he feels that seriously, since next week, it could be completely different.
My question to you is why are you taking so much of your own time and energy to focus on him ? surely, you might have more meaningful and interesting subjects of your own? Unless, you, too, are in that stage of focusing intensely on immediate relationships and their meanings, which is a normal part of teen age experience and growth. If so, you also will have some growing and maturing to do, which in time, will naturally occur. Good wishes, Dr. Stephanie
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The issue here is of you processing the words you hear, much differently and searching for hidden meaning where there may be none. Females have a certain reaction when they hear the word love. Also females tend to think that the word love means in love with and there's a difference. When people are young and start dating, you might really really like some aspects of another person very strongly and assume this means "love" if male or "in love" if you are female. In love with, which females really want, is unconditional love. Its a love where both are best of friends and also there is the chemistry for romance which is the only thing that makes the difference between a best friend and a romantic couple relationship. Unfortunately most people end up with just a friend or only a lover but not the other part and both are needed to make a successful relationship.
There should be the exploratory dating first, not jumping into a love relationship or trying to. What I mean is dating a person only to find out if you like more than a few parts of their personality and looks. The love that can be turned on and off so easily that this young man spouts all the time is a kind of love, but it isn't the kind needed for a healthy rewarding relationship. Heres an example. Lets say you grew up in a small town far from other civilization and all they offered there in icecream was vanilla, strawberry and chocolate. So in growing up, you picked your favorite of those 3 and could honestly say you loved chocolate or which ever best. Icecream is something you have simply cus you want to eat some, as a special treat or reward, to feel cooler on a hot day, its based on what icecream can do for you. Isn't it true that there is nothing a person can do for icecream to make its life better? Now this person grows up and moves to a bigger town where the store has more flavors in their frozen aisle of the store. Wow, there's chocolate chip, chocolate chip mint and pecan crunch and rocky road. So you eventually try all these {new to you} flavors and decide that chocolate is too boring, that rocky road with all the additions is now your favorite and you just Love it! If you ended up somewhere again with limited flavors, you might go for chocolate but its no longer your favorite and as soon as there's a chance to have your fave, you'd drop the chocolate flavor awfully quickly. Now lets say you get a job transfer to a big city, a metropolis with places like 31 flavors and ice cream chains like Ben and Jerry's. So you try a Cherry Chocolate and pronounce it your favorite. Later you try others and now its a tie between Coffee flavored and Strawberry Cheesecake. So you indulge now in both. Does the Coffee say I'm being cheated on with the Strawberry cheesecake? We can have strong favorites of stuff other than just food or treats. I can say I love Thai food and its true but if something happened and there no longer was Thai food anywhere in the world, or icecream in the world, My world wouldn't fall apart. I'd be able to live just fine without it with some adjusting. However, when a person is in love with someone, each find themselves happiest when simply in the others presence. Neither is perfect and each already knew what shortgiving's the other has but they are consistent in many many good traits without ever slipping up. They care so much about how each other feels that when one looks sad, tired,or is crying, the partner wants to help soothe and know if they unknowingly hurt their lover. As for sex, each has the goal of trying to help their partner with whatever they need to end up satisfied, rather than only one getting satisfied or both taking turns. If both are working at pleasing their partner, then both will have their finish. In love with means you hear or see the irritating thing they do and instead of letting it irritate you, you think of how you'd feel if they died tomorrow and you'd never hear another spoken word from them, and with that perspective, you'd be willing to hear even the irritating words rather than none ever again. Yes, I get irritated at times but this is how I choose to think about it. Also, in love couples find that when one dies, the one left feels as if a part of them is missing like a leg or arm and they feel so devastated that they no longer want to live. The problem is that when in love with each other, your partner becomes 'Home' to you. It doesn't matter where you live, hut, mansion even a vehicle, just being with each other, you are home. So if one dies, it feels like you've lost your partner, your love and your home. Its worse than a couple who survives but loses home in a housefire. As long as they have each other, they can pick up the pieces and start again. I hope this all explains the kind of love possible and how what this young man is saying is not the kind of love young women are looking for. Be careful yourself because young men learn quickly how to dupe females into giving them sex, by saying they love you, and doing the bare minimum to impress her enough so she in innocence believes it. I went to highschool with a gal who got married as she graduated because she was pregnant. She never figured out what real love is so she fell too easily for the next two husbands as well. I am saddened by hearing things like that. If you can avoid falling into that trap, it would be a good thing for you.
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