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Guy I have been talking to has a girlfriend
I am 32 year old female and I have been talking to this guy I met online for about a week now so today his supposed girlfriend texts me from his phone and says this is Justin's girlfriend. I responded back and said I am sorry I didn't know he had a girlfriend and said it wouldn't happen again and I blocked the number. Did i do the right thing?
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You probably did do the right thing. But, you acted with very limited information. If you had confronted Justin and asked for an explanation, it may have shed some additional and meaningful light on the matter.
For instance, could it be that she is an old girlfriend he no longer is involved with? One that is trying to hang on to him?
Could she be someone who would like to be his girlfriend , whether he is currently seeing her or not, or seeing her just as a friend and nothing more? Is she just clearing the deck to give herself more opportunity?
Is she delusional? Anything is possible. In addition, it may well be the truth, and if you were to talk with him, you just might find that he is witholding information and two timing his "girlfriend", you really don't know.
I would at least have brought the matter up with him. But keep in mind that you have only talked with him for a mere week, and probably haven't even met him in person yet, so there is little invested , anyhow. And how did she get your contact information , by the way? The mystery continues.
Good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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Yes, from me too, you did the right thing. Now for the advice you didn't ask for but its very important, how to avoid these kinds of problems in the future.
For the most part, even a female being careful and doing the right thing can be initially fooled by a guy. I was fooled twice by guys I met more than once from a dating site. However I did find my second husband the same way. Here is what I learned from going through this stuff myself. Use the internet only to learn of the existence of the guy. Once you have met online, try to meet in person asap, usually I found a week good but don't take too much time or it might be wasted time and effort. I was fooled three times and I had experience with an abusive ex and felt confident I could spot all the red flags. First, know what you want in a guy, especially the must haves, which if not there, are actual deal breakers, even if otherwise he is okay. An example, the female wants to marry and have kids but he is totally against marriage or kids or both. If the guy is serious enough to find his soul mate, then grilling him up front won't scare him away,walked away which I made sure they knew was okay with me at this early point. The problems are that guys can hide too many things on line, even by phone and texts. You can't witness how consistent the traits you want, are in them. They can say they are patient and never raise their voice or lose their cool. My ex was verbally abusive so this one was important to me. This means I can't make excuses for a guy like I did with my ex. I married at 20 and didn't know anything I guess. So what I share is from my experiences and not just with one guy so this is stuff to be on the look out for. Guys want to put their best foot forward. So even if they don't make a conscious thought, they will subconsciously act and talk the way they figure out you want. The tactic here is, get the woman to fall in love with you and then you can revert back to your real self and she won't leave you because she has these strong, (but misplaced) feelings for you. I was not so desperate that I had to have the first guy who showed interest. I literally had a couple hundred guys write to me on the dating sites I was on. So interest is not the problem, it's what kind of interest. Usually my pics got an opening comment of how hot looking I was, how good I must be in bed. When that was the first thing a guy said, they never got a response. because I did not want a sex partner. I had had no trouble finding male friends with benefits. I wanted a husband, better than the last one. So I will call the issue the fake personality. Sometimes the guy doesn't even know he's doing it as his subconscious mind is controlling his actions. As soon as a guy thinks they have a gal hooked, usually her willing to meet him for multiple dates, they let the fake personality slip, and this is due to the fact you lose lots of personal energy by trying to keep up an act like that, and once the energy has run out and they feel secure thinking you've fallen for them, they will become their true self which I can bet will not match up with what you were hoping for. I am fairly smart now. I wasn't at 20 when I married. That guy I met in person and he fooled all my family and our friends. Then even once older and with more knowledge, I was still initially fooled. Don't berate yourself over this. The only dumb move would be making excuses for him including that its a once in a life mistake and won't happen again and staying with him as I did. What a guy says or does that is unacceptable to
you is like a cracked vase where something foul is leaking out through the cracks. You can pretend its only a one time thing and clean up the vase on the outside but there is always more of that unwanted something on the inside of the vase, or the person. That's how I messed up when I first married, thinking his acting controlling simply meant he cared a lot about me. How wrong I was. And that is a big problem for many females, getting fooled and not seeing it for a control issue. Back to my meeting guys on line...when after 4 dates in public, I was invited to dinner this guy would cook for me at his house, I went. So far, I liked him and he behaved well. But comfortable in his own home or maybe thinking we were at a significant point since I was willing to come to his place, he let the fake personality slip in the first minute I was there by saying, "Please excuse the mess", gesturing at his living room, "my *$&^% maid isn't doing her work and I am going to have to get rid of her." First off, the place was spotless. I don't know if he had a maid or not but he had used racial slurs against someone I did not even know. I realized it would take no time at all for him to start directing verbal abuse at me not to mention impatience and irritated that I could never live up to his impossible standards. I stayed for dinner and didn't let on my decision to stop seeing him but I never called and when he did after a week later, I simply said I had given it my best try but still didn't feel any chemistry. This is why never tell a guy early on that you like him or love him cus you may discover that you don't in fact. I didn't excuse him away in my mind, instead realizing that what I had just seen and heard was just the tip of the iceberg and there was more of that hidden below the surface, soon to come out and torture me if I wasn't wise. Met another guy who insisted on dinner vs a coffee date. I pay my own way for these. Out in the parking lot after, when ready to go to my car, another guy says he had something to tell me. He liked me but told me he was married and looking for a woman who would be his secret sex partner. I thanked him for being honest but said I could not do anything in secret. Now if his wife met me and agreed to the arrangement cus she didn't want sex anymore, then I might consider. He said he couldn't do that and she's want a divorce. She was his best friend and he didn't want to lose her. So this is one of the scenerios you may come across. Also, I had put in my profile that I am allergic to cigarette smoke so no smokers, and no smokers promising to quit. This one guy says over phone to my question that he doesn't smoke. We met in public several times with no incidence. Then one day, I agreed to rent a movie and watch at his place. So I drive to him and get in his car to go with him to video rental store back when there still were any. The car smelled of stale cigarette smoke real heavy. 'I thought you said you don't smoke' I stated. "Oh, thats from my son. He's a smoker and borrows my car a lot". That was the 2nd time he lied about it. But I had no idea at the time, treating him still as truthful and innocent until proven guilty. Didn't take long. At a break during the movie to refresh drinks, he started patting down his pockets and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. I looked stunned and he thought it wasn't a problem, that I would just let it go as if I were still a 20 something who didn't know better. He didn't smoke it but when I left, I said that being with him would not work. I should have said I did not feel the chemistry, something every male will accept. He left two hate messages on my voicemail. That confirmed another couple traits besides being a liar. He had a temper, and he sounded verbally abusive in his messages. Also traits of my ex. Now if I had only been chatting on line with him for a few months, how could I have discovered all this about him? You can't on line, its too easy to hide character faults and bad habits and whether the person is single, married or whatever. So remember to go from meeting on line to meeting in person asap and don't make excuses for a guy or think your exempt from his bad treatment of others.
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Yes. You have to use caution with people you meet online because they may not tell the truth and could be cheating, married or someone in general you shouldn't be involved with. Blocking the number and moving on was the safe way to handle it. Telling someone else about it is the second thing you should do especially if anyone tries to harass you which I doubt would happen. Keep the texts archived or screenshots for that reason.
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