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How to deal with a potential attention-seeker?
I have this one friend who's life is pretty bad. She has a lot of trauma and mental issues, and abusive parents. When it comes to those issues, I'm very supportive and it never bothers me when she confides in me or anything, because I don't have the best relationship with my mother either, and I get it. However, she's also extremely insecure, and I know it's because of her anxiety, but she's just constantly texting about how she feels so ugly and how insecure she's about certain parts of herself. And of course, every time, our friends and I rush to assure her, telling her she's beautiful and she has nothing to worry about. She is a larger girl and I understand somewhat, because of course, I also have insecurities about myself. But my friend group and I have made it very clear that we don't care about things like weight and we think she's gorgeous no matter what. And at this point it feels like the constant self-deprecation is just her fishing for compliments, even though I know that's probably not true, it just gets on my nerves after a while. How can I deal with this without hurting her feelings? Am I being insensitive by getting irritated by it?
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Getting constant reaffirming of who she really is is therapeutic for her and an assurance that people actually like her and see her for who she is. Because of the abuse, mental health issues and trauma she needs more than other people to hear it all the time because she doesn't believe it herself.
I think understanding and tact have to come into play here. I would start by telling her that none of you have nor will you lie to her about what you truly think and feel about her and that you will always include her.
After establishing that tell her that it makes everyone upset and sad for her when she doesn't believe in herself and voices it repeatedly because you all feel bad and really can't do much to help beyond that.
The self deprecation and constant yearning to hear something good about herself from people over and over is comforting and a defence mechanism for her to be able to counter the negative thoughts she has about herself.
I think I would talk to her about this and how it makes people feel sad and that you would like her to find a counsellor or someone she could talk to or a teacher or adult capable to dealing with anxiety and feelings.
Tell her you want to remain friends with her as do your group of friends but that it bothers them and you to get texts all the time about her feeling this way and that you can't do much more than you have to let her know this isn't true. Ask her tactfully to stop because it can affect what others think and friendships with people.
What she really needs is a professional to help her deal with anxiety, trauma, feelings she has, insecurity etc because that's what she needs and her friends can't provide. Unless she has that she will flounder and it will affect every relationship she has. You have to be understanding a bit more patient if she vents.
If she says something negative about herself in a text don't respond to them. Only respond to ones when she's not doing that as it will reinforce what you've said that you and your friends can be friends with her but can't help her deal with this and that it hurts to constantly hear something about herself that everyone has reinforced multiple times isn't true. Maybe that will have her back off a bit.
She's not doing this to seek attention but rather validation of what she doesn't believe about herself that others see in her as a coping mechanism and ability to feel good when she's feeling down on herself. I think you need to see that and talk to your friends about it and see what you can do to be friends with her but not let her get to this place with you.
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Your friend is in a bad place and she really needs some help and advice, but not from you, or from any other kids either.
You can still be friendly. You can still offer suppport. But this girl needs a therapist and to be in counseling. If you can find a kind and gentle way to suggest it, do so.
She can ask her parents for help, her school counselor, her doctor, or her religious leader to put her in touch with a licensed, qualified counselor.
Be her friend, but don't try to take on more than you are really qualified to handle. Its nice of you to care about her, so keep on doing it.
Good wishes, ~Dr. Stephanie
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