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Should his response about his dog be concerning for me?
28/f, 32/M
My boyfriend has a dog and like other dogs, she’s afraid of fireworks. She would have panic attacks and sit at your head for 30 minutes. Fireworks has been happening in his neighborhood everyday since I’ve met him and based on my past experiences with other dogs and have taken care of other dogs myself, I said “have you thought about those thunder vests? I’ve heard great things about them. You should give it a try.” And he’s said, “maybe.” When I stayed at his house for a month, even his mom said that when his dog freaks out about fireworks, putting pressure on her helps significantly. So I told him once again to look into it. And even after I left (it’s long distance relationship), I kept watching her have anxiety attacks on FaceTime and I started bringing it up more frequently and he told me because I keep pushing it on him which is why he keeps shutting it down and he doesn’t like it when people tell him how to take care of his dog and he doesn’t think it’ll work. And I was like “??? I keep bringing it up because your dog is having panic attacks. And how would you know it wouldn’t work unless you try it? You can always just try it and then return it. And yeah it might be a hassle to put it on her but you do what you need to do to keep your dog comfortable. And I would back off if you have logical reasonings to why you don’t want to try it like if you’ve tried it before, but instead you just say you don’t THINK it’ll work. And I feel like that’s not a good enough reason.” And he said “well I think I’m doing a great job with her.” I responded “you are doing a great job with zoey but I just think if you could find a solution to her panic attacks, wouldn’t you want to at least try out your options??” He rolled his eyes, looked annoyed, and said he’ll buy the vest tomorrow and her a dog bed (this is a different issue. I said having her own space and her own bed would help with separation anxiety).
I don’t know why but the fact that I had to bring it up for over a month just to get her a thunder vest or a pressure vest seems like a red flag to me?? Like it’s a predictor to his behavior in the future? I’m not 100% sure why. Or am I just overreacting or overthinking the situation. And did I even have the right to even mention anything about his dog?
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My first thought is to ask why there are fireworks "every day" where you live? This is unheard of.
In any case, it sounds like you are more "invested" than he is in taking care of this situation. Of course you have the right to discuss your concerns. You asked whether this could be a red flag? It depends upon whether there's a pattern or not, of disregarding your concerns. He sounds a bit passive aggressive, perhaps?
One way to handle things, if the other person isn't as concerned or doesn't follow through the way you'd like, is to do the thing yourself, i.e., buy the vest.
Pet owners have the responsibility for providing good care for their charges; and if his dog is continuing to be upset by daily fireworks (again, DAILY?), the discussion should perhaps include whether to move or not, or to re-home the dog.
You might also wish to check the laws where you live. Fireworks are subject to local laws and aren't even permitted, in some places, on holidays.
Good luck, Dr. Stephanie
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I hate to be the person who breaks this news to you but if he cannot treat his dog properly and try to do something about this you can bet you'll be treated in the same manner. He sounds like a jerk that you may want to reconsider being with.
If he doesn't take what you say seriously about this he won't over other concerns that could be greater down the road. It should really give you pause and make you think.
I ain't buying that he can't do anything to fix this. The first thing I would do is place a call to the non emergency number for the local police department. Tell them that you are hearing what sounds like fireworks every single night in your area and you aren't sure what these loud bangs are.
Have them check it out especially if you know who is setting them off, the time and other info. They can figure this out. That would be the responsible thing to do.
If it's fireworks there are laws about not setting them off when it isn't a holiday and also rules about when, how and where that are being broken. They have to rule out gun shots (not likely don't freak out) or another source of the loud bangs that aren't fireworks and perhaps deal with that.
As far as the dogs go for right now try to move them to a room farthest away from the noise you hear and comfort them. Another thing that works is putting the TV volume on high enough to drown out the noise because they're used to the TV and how it sounds. Your boyfriend needs to have more empathy.
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I don't know the area in the country so I can't speak for the laws there but as far as I know, fireworks can't even be bought until a couple days before July 4th and leftovers used New Years. But because of fire hazard, its been illegal to use any time or all the time. So my guess is his neighbors are making their own illegally. When I was a kid, we knew the next door teen boy made his own in their garage but he didn't set them off til the holiday. So if the laws are such that you can't call police to put a stop to it, and moving to a better neighborhood is out of the question, then yes, there should be more concern to do what is best for the dog. She's already been so traumatized by the booms every day, that if pets can have PTSD, then its a possibility. Even vets who at war heard booms, and saw flashes of light, even understanding the situation while dogs can not, come home with some form of PTSD, or if fairly normal, at least will react to any flashes of light and sharp loud sounds because their body was trained by circumstances to react by being extra vigilant and being extra careful to not be shot. I know of a vet walking with his wife who heard the sharp sound of a car backfiring and it took him only a second to drop immediately to the sidewalk, a self protective move, to make yourself less of a target. So the dog can't even be a good candidate for finding a new owner who lives elsewhere because you can't predict what living with these sounds daily has done to the dog.
Now the boyfriend is not showing a care for the best welfare possible for an animal. That is a good indicator that male is not going to care about any other human, even basic decencies, if he can't even worry or be concerned for his pet. I know that might sound like I am stretching my imagination too far but I am grandma aged, and have lived enough and experiences and seen enough to know that people who care about others and the world and their environment are usually people who love animals, either volunteer a little to help their community, or are consistently acting in caring loving manner, without having to be asked. When I met my 2nd husband, he was all but the volunteering which we both do now at a soup kitchen deal. Since boyfriends can turn into a life long partner, married or not, I do believe you were right to say something, doing so shows you are one of the good caring people. It is not overreacting or overthinking here because animals can't speak for themselves and rely on good people reaching out to help them. If you are thinking long term that you might want to be with this guy, then you would be part of the picture eventually and you have a right to know exactly what kind of male and guy is whom you may wish to have for a partner and seriously, this is a red flag to me. Perhaps he is depressed or going through some tough times where he is typically in survival mode only for himself and figures all other people and animals just have to fend for themselves. This or some other such issues may have him acting this way. But it sounds like a problem person to me if you add him not wanting to take any suggestions from someone else on how to handle his dog. Those closed off to accepting advice and suggestions, sound like my ex who had some mental issues besides being abusive and yet told others I was the one with problems. So convinced that he was perfectly fine and didn't need help, he only went twice to see a psychologist when a retired counselor friend told him he really needed to go or he might lose his marriage. Well, he quit trying to get help cus he insisted he didn't need it, so I left him. I don't want you to go through all that, so hon, all you can do is be extra careful and watchful as you have been doing. It will help a long way in avoiding being with a guy who has a mean-ness streak, or is uncaring, controlling and so on. Don't ever stop that and I hope you will at some point realize its not best to stay with him. Don't make exuse for him as I did with my ex. my new husband doesn't mess up, is caring and treats me well. He cares if he inadvertently says or does something that bothers me or makes me cry. He is willing to hear what it is and that has happened once and he has never done it again. People are able to make good choices if they want to if its very important to them. He loves me so much it WAS important to him and he never forgot even once to never do it again. I actually have a document I send out to those interested to help in screening out the right kind of guy for yourself. someone else told me about it and I put the info into a saved document so I can share the info. Its what helped me find my 2nd husband through a dating site even, but we did not waste time on line, but met in person to see if we felt chemistry. So if interested at any point in reading this, How to find Mr. Right, you can request it by going to 'search advice columnists, look for me, dragonflymagic and from my column write to me, otherwise I can not respond to you from anywhere else. I wish you the best.
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