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I Feel like I was Groomed
When I was 16, I met E. E was around 24 when I met him. E was my coworker at the time, and we seemed to hit it off. We became very good friends. We would joke around with each other a lot, and a bunch of that joking was inappropriate jokes. I didn't think too much of it at the time since my humor was a bit immatur too. We would send each other porn as well. At first, it was just funny stuff that neither of us found arousing, but then it got to actual stuff that we both liked. At this time, I knew he had a gf. I also had a little crush in him at the time, bit it does pretty fast after I found that out, and was happy just being friends.
Fast forward to age 17. He invites me over to his house for the first time, and we decide to play truth or dare. That's when everything started to get out of control. It ended with me and him almost nude and masturbating in front of each other. After a few minutes of that, I have a panic attack and start crying. He ends things and tries to reassure me that it's okay since him and his gf have a look no touch policy.
Again, fast forward to 18. At 18, a bunch of things happen. We take it to the next level, and we have full on intercourse, as well as other explicit things. I start to really catch feels for him. I confess to him, and he says he doesn't feel that same. He tells me that he only used the sex as stress relief. I was crushed, but I kept doing things with him. I knew it was wrong, I knew I was helping him cheat, but this was the closest I would get to a relationship with him, and I took it. I've had a few fights with him, telling him all the things he made me feel, and it's always gone back to us having sex and making up. I even tried cutting him out of my life entirely, but I'm too attached, and only lasted two days before I had to text him. His gf knows of the truth or dare incident and sex we had when they were on a break, but that's it. She doesn't know about everything else that's been happening.
He's planning on proposing to his gf, and I'm absolutely devastated. I've grown really attached, and I think I love him. Right after he told me he's planning on proposing, he sent me more porn. I was telling a friend about this, and she thinks I've been groomed. I've thought about it, but I'm not sure. I let him do all these things, and even initiated some of them. We didn't have full out sex until 18, so it was completely legal. It's just such a confusing situation, and I'm not sure what to think. I'm a female, and E is a male btw.
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It's not your fault but you have come to the conclusion and it's the right one btw that he's been using you all along and cheating and it doesn't feel right to you and feels wrong. It's your gut telling you that you have to move on here. Trust that voice in your head it's never wrong and why it's on endless repeat in your head. It's asking you to act.
I know you feel gutted and have a ton of feelings and real attraction and perhaps love for him and those feelings are natural and valid but unfortunately you were blinded (again not your fault) to the truth and or weren't ready to believe your suspicion was right but were gradually coming around to it. That's maturity and courage.
You do have to leave him and cut him off abruptly and not go back. I do indeed think he was grooming and playing with your emotions and self-image issues.
I think you should get the support of parents or adult you really trust and divulge all of this to them and get their help to cut off contact and stay away and out completely. I also think you would benefit from a counsellor or therapist to work through all the issues you are feeling and with help to completely walk away.
I think that you feel a ton of guilt over this when you shouldn't and should know it's not your fault and that you have reached a mature conclusion and have to move away from something very toxic.
When it comes to the person he's proposing to or will be I think she's just as groomed and feeling as trapped as you have been. Hopefully she will realize the same conclusion you came to. You need to be out of her life too for this to succeed. It will be tough but you took the first strong and courageous step by writing out what you truly feel and know is right with this question. You just needed that added confirmation and a little push in the right direction. It will be okay. Stay well. You're doing the best thing you could possibly do for yourself.
Have your friends know about this and have them be your rock and help you through. That's the best way to succeed by building up your support network and defence to keep out of the situation and move forward and on as you should do.
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Groomed, no. Taken advantage of for being gullible, yes. When hormones start flowing, teen males just want to have sex to take care of the urges. I have never heard of any male any age tell me sex was stress relief, although it is. But thats not the reason any male has sex. Your guy found a willing gullible partner in you. I personally have never tried anything with a man who was married or in a relationship. I know people do this and there are only a few situations in which I might think it was unfortunate but the only way. Your guy is having recreational sex, same as any recreation like sports, cause its fun. What you might have been hoping for is the sex such as in marriage or long term committed relationships where there is love for each other and both want to please the other first before finding their own pleasure. Most teen males quit when they ejaculate and don't go again until they are hard again. However, most take and do not give, or take the time lets say, to help their partner achieve orgasm. The problem is that men at a young age, can get hard at the drop of a hat. Women however are like an iron. They take a long time to heat up but once there, they stay hot a long time before cooling down. When I speak of temps, I am saying hot as horny.
I must caution also on the fact that there was 8 years of difference. Not a problem once both are over their mid twenties.kk Why you ask? Because good decision making doesn't happen for individuals until the frontal lobe of the brain js done growing. Your body may be mature now but this part of brain isn''t done until mid twenties or later, like til 28.
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That link is just one of many hits you'll get if you do a search for 'frontal lobes in teens' and this was just one of them. It is very informative and will help you to understand why you sometimes may make decisions that aren't always the best. No one is exempt, we all have to go through this phase. All I can say is to take your time and think about something you wish to do and if its a subject you can share with parents, then use them as sounding boards by asking what they would do. The decision is still yours but you gather more info and ways of looking at your issue. So as for sex, you won't like to talk to the parents. Just try to stick only with guys who are truly single. Don't believe anything they say because words are cheap and you can only trust their consistency, whether in what they say or what they do. Consistently bad or consistently good and my first husband was bad but new hubby is consistently who he says he is. Even if the sex partner you will eventually find is not the person you will marry, if both of you have enough feelings and chemistry and care for each other, then the sex can go beyond just the fun, taking care of that desire, kind of deal. If two people are in love with each other, then any sex they have is an outpouring of the love they have for each other, like the best gift you can give your partner. You may want that but first you need to learn how to be your own HR dept. and screen guys who apply to see who would be best for the position of 'boyfriend'. There's a saying guys have, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Translated, that means, why get into a committed relationship to have a sex partner and get sex, if you can have the sex for free without the commitment. The attachment you feel is what happens when females have sex with a partner, that is how females are wired. Males use sex to reach a goal, whether the goal is to take care of horniness or the opposite end of doing all you can to please your partner and give them orgasms. You also need to learn how to tell if a guy loves you. Maybe not for finding someone right now but in 5 yrs. you may be ready. So I will close out with a list you'll find handy in the future when you are in college or working and able to live out of parents house, of how to tell if a guy loves you.
7 Questions to know if he really loves you
1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says “I love you”, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.
How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
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Hi There. You say you don't know what to think? I do. You are caught up in a real mess. And its an unhealthy and unfulfilling one for you. Here's what I've gathered from what you told us:
He is in it for the sex, while you , like so many women, find having sex often leads to having feelings for your partner.
But since he really isn't available beyond this, you are being short changed. So is his other girlfriend, the one he plans to marry ! She is going to be with someone who doesn't mind cheating on her, despite whatever so-called "agreements" they've made. And yes, you are helping him to cheat. That couldn't feel very good for you, both because you are being short changed, as well as unethical and hurtful to someone else, whether they know it fully, or not.
You sound as if you are "addicted" to him. And any addiction, where you are not in control, is unhealthy.
You need to take charge of your life, honey. Do what is going to be best for yourself. In my opinion, that means ending your relationship, totally and quickly.
You are never going to get what you want with him, and continuing on will only lead to more pain, emptiness and disappointment.
And even if he did come around, (which isn't likely!), do know that if he is willing to cheat with you, he would also be willing to cheat ON you, at some point, as well.
If you do decide to cut it off, and I hope that you will, you will find it less painful if you do it totally , all at once, quickly and permanently.
Now, please think about what I've said, and put your own best interests ahead of everything else. Do the right thing, both for yourself, and for his girlfriend, as well.
Good luck and good wishes, ~Dr. Stephanie
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