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Different sex drives in marriage
Hi,
My husband and I are very happily married. One thing that's surprised me though is our different libidos. When we first started having sex, we were about evenly matched for the first year- we basically did it whenever we were able.
Now though, I (the wife) am finding that my drive is much higher than my husband's. I want to do it about once per day, while my husband wants to do it once every 1-2 weeks. I've heard that most couples are reversed, with the guy usually having the higher drive.
There are many days when I feel frustrated and undesirable. But when I ask my husband to have sex more than once a week but he gets really tired and I feel guilty afterwards. What can I do to reduce my frustration?
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Hi hon. I am one of those women like you. In my first marriage, I had the higher libido and husband was okay with once every 1-2 weeks. You just don't hear it because its a subject most people are embarrassed to discuss.
In my case, the husbands verbal answer was always that he had to work the next day so if he was in the mood it was only a Friday or Saturday night.
While there could be something wrong with his libido, other than your first year together, sounds like his libido was lower always and that may be normal with nothing wrong. It is a fact that people can have differing wants and needs for sex, That once in two weeks actually satisfies them while the partner craves more. So you're wondering why for one year there was no problem. I would contribute that to NRE, New relationship energy which is a heightened feeling of excitement, the same you felt as a child hoping that what you wanted was in the gift you were opening and when you got what you wanted, you just couldn't put the toy down for long, you had to have more time playing with it. And so it is in relationships. If people are going only by this feeling when dating, they may think they are perfectly matched when in reality, NRE eventually fades away and you are left with what is the true reality for you as a couple.
Sadly, other than a sex partner on the side, approved of by your husband, like an open marriage, the only thing you can do is use toys to get your orgasms. I will add that you didn't specifically say that the husband says something abut it to you when you ask for more than once a week. its all about what you are seeing or think you are seeing, that he gets tired. If waiting til normal bedtime, yes it can go late and then people are tired the next morning. If bedtime can be planned for earlier to allow for 'play time', then perhaps that will help. You also say you felt guilty. There should be no guilt over needing and wanting sex with your partner. I suppose you are much like us, where we care so much about how the other feels that we hold stuff for partner as more important than ourselves. While good for the partner, its not as good for you. Other than using toys, you don't have much option. If the two of you are willing, you could always find a sex therapist to talk to and perhaps get some helpful information from. Wishing you the best.
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A good place to start, is to try and determine the cause of his lack of libido. It could be any number of things, including depression, anxiety, hormonal imbalance or other health issues. The good news is that you have had a previous history of being well matched in the sex department, so there is a liklihood of recovering your former compatibility, once the causes are determined and addressed. Start, perhaps, with him having a visit to his doctor to rule out physical problems.
You mentioned that "he gets really tired". Could he be overworked, and simply in need of more rest and relaxation? What's going on?
You, on the other hand, appear to have a pretty high sex drive, unlike many others who would enjoy having sex much less frequently than every single day. I think that most guys, especially the ones who hold a full time job, might find this overwhelmingly too much for them , in the first place. So, another possibility is that there is really nothing wrong with him, other than being tired . One every couple of weeks is indeed pretty darn sparse, admittedly, even for couples where the partner doesn't want sex every day.
The solution might be as simple as exploring ways for him to reduce his fatigue. If its work related, it might be worthwhile to explore how he can reduce his work load, change jobs, or even his career. You didn't mention whether you are working or not, but if not, perhaps joining the workforce yourself might help even things out and reduce the pressure on him to continue working as hard as he has been doing, if this is the case.
You asked what you can do to reduce your frustration in the meantime: I'm sure you know how to pleasure and satisfy yourself in lieu of having a partner all the time.
Good luck and good wishes, ~Dr. Stephanie
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Wow girl, I been in the same boat and what I did was buy a toy, and trust me I love my man and sex is 10×100 with him. My sex drive is a little high and he works a lot and very tired when he gets home so on the side I have the toy that vibrates. Now he did notice it and I told him my back ache time to time and mine looks very unber cover got it from Amazon. Any other questions on how to use or any thing lol hit me privately i got you 😉
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