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Is it time to break away from my best friend?
Hello~ This is gonna be long I’m so sorry.
So I’ve (28/f) been best friends with a wonderful human being (27/f) for around 4 years now. She’s supportive, encouraging, calls me out when I need it, and would give me the shirt off of her back no questions asked.
I moved back up to my family after a medical crisis with my dad and now finally feel comfortable moving back to the area where she lives. We’ve even had a solid plan for over a year and to move in together and this would be her first time living out of her aunt and uncles house.
The issue is she spends money, and when I say she spends money I mean she could easily have multiple packages showing up to her house daily no problem. When we agreed to move in together I didn’t assume this would stop and it was far from me to tell her how to spend her money, although I did hope it would slow down a little bit considering I emphasized the importance of having money saved up and how helpful it would be. We are now on less than 5 months away from “the big move” and she has yet to even begin to slow down on making her unnecessary purchases. I’ve gently commented on it a few times in the past year but was hit with a sob story about how she feels like she NEEDS to buy things.
Finally, last week, after another message about all of the things she just bought I laid it out on the table. I asked her if she was mentally ready to move out and into her own place yet. She hedged a bit until finally admitting she was nervous about how much things would cost and I don’t know if she was digging for me to offer to pay more of the rent but didn’t sound too happy about the fact she’d have to give up her spending habits.
I took this as a sign to start forming a Plan B, I already know that without me giving her a number for rent and bills that won’t tug at her paycheck that the move isn’t going to happen. My question is (long winded I know) how do I tell her that my focus has shifted? That I would honestly rather move to a new city and start over than move back closer to her? That her lack of restraint and discipline make me question how much farther our friendship will carry us if I’m ready to start making a way for myself and she’s content with sitting in a room with her things? Moving in together aside it’s disheartening because I’ve always tried to keep my nose out of her wallet, but this one major thing we were supposed to be in together and she has decided it’s not worth giving up her stuff. So how do I handle this without hurting her feelings and is it time to start breaking away?
Thanks,
-B
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
She has lived with her parents and or aunts and uncles her entire life and is likely coddled and has no perception of what life is like outside of that and how to manage money well. Someone needs to drive home that she must change her habits or will flounder no matter when and with whom she moves out with. She would be up the creek if she moved out alone.
I think you need to approach her guardians and tell them that you would love to live with her but know that she has no sense of what life would be like and goes through money like toilet paper. This may piss her off but it needs to be dealt with now before you live together.
It may be her money but she doesn't understand how to manage it and that she may need it when she doesn't have it. I think the needing to buy things is an addiction or something she does to fill a void or sooth her emotionally.
I would tell her guardians with you present what plan B is and that you can't move in with her unless she can pull her weight financially and not place any of it completely on you.
If she's amazing in every other way keep her as your friend and everything normal but don't move in together if you know it's going to be difficult and an issue. Make your concerns known to adults around her. That's how she will receive a much needed reality check.
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Honey, its funny, but money issues are one of the most common areas of disagreement among couples, and certainly, for room mates, as well. If you do move together, it should only be on the condition that you split all expenses fifty fifty, regardless of whatever else either of you choose to do with your left over bucks.
You are not in the business of supporting her, or her spending habits.
Can she afford it? Will she be willing to meet her end of the financial responsibilities ? Or, will she blow her cash and be unable to meet her half of the rent , pay for her half of anything else, such as utilities, groceries, etc.?
If you prefer to move elsewhere anyhow, and are willing to take the dubious chance on rooming with her, invite her to come along.
But NOT rooming together may well turn out to be the only way you can keep the friendship, which otherwise may end over finances, if you room together.
You may not need or want to break away, but I think your best chance of keeping your friendship at all would be to not move in together. Good luck!
~Dr. Stephanie
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This right here says all: I’ve gently commented on it a few times in the past year but was hit with a sob story about how she feels like she NEEDS to buy things.
Things are not going to fill the hole of what is/was missing in her past/present. What she needs is mental and emotional healing. This friend of yours is a hoarder in the making if she doesn't get help soon. You will not want her for a roommate if her 'things' begin to take over the apartment. Don't look done on her. She doesn't have a choice in what she is doing to 'self medicate' though she would not say that was what she is doing, yet she is. You can't tell her she needs counseling from something she is looking to replace. So pointing anything at her as reason for you backing out is not a good thing, she would be hurt. Make something up and take the load on yourself. I do this when having to confront someone about something and will say I had to learn the same things or made the same mistakes, so they don't feel so singled out and picked on. I would say, hey, I've been really thinking about this moving in together and as the date gets closer I feel less at ease. I realized, I like my own space and like being a loner at home, no one around. So I've realized we can't share an apartment together. I'd rather do it on my own. No matter what she says or asks, just say you're sorry but this is how it has to be.
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