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My mom is emotionally/verbally abusive
I’m a 22 year old adult. My mom is now 50.
When I was a toddler, my father cheated on my mom & thus they had an extremely toxic, domestic abusive type of relationship. As a result, my mom used me to let out her anger & frustration. Her way of discipline was screaming, threatening, locking me in the bedroom, & often times hitting me. She would always call me a lazy, spoiled, undisciplined child. The rest of the time however, she was very nurturing & loving. On occasion, my parents would showering me with material items. Since I’m an only child, people have always assumed I was privileged.
Today, however, my mother still abuses me. I am very fully aware that she, on the other hand, has helped me in countless ways. Considering I am severely anxiety crippled and I am yet unable to find my purpose in life. I can’t drive, don’t work or don’t go to school. She aids me in that, to which I’ll forever be thankful. But I struggle to see how that could possibly excuse her abuse.
My mom would call me names in the heat of the moment, but worst of all she would call me manipulative when I would simply try to explain myself. To the point where I begin to doubt my own intentions. She drilled it into my head so much that I now labeled myself as no longer a human, but a manipulative monster.
Later when she’s not angry, she would say things like “I was just angry, we all say things when we’re angry," “You’ve said way worse to me,” “You’ll understand when you have kids,”.
She’ll sometimes opt for humiliation as to embarrass me in front of other family members. She would call them up immediately in the heat of the moment & angrily tell them what I had said/done. The way I cope with my emotions is very unhealthy as I constantly fall back on self harm to get me through it.
Mind you, I’m not dropping grenades in the middle of the street or shooting up heroin. The topic that gets her riled up the most is the fact that I’m not going to college. She’ll get extremely hostile talking about it, maybe due to her seeing other kids my age on social media going after their dreams while I wasn’t. Or possibly due to empty promises of attending college.
(My reasoning is complicated, but most has to due to my lack of confidence to even pass one single class. But that’s besides the point)
Something I’m grateful to have realized during my 22 years of living is that no matter if I was going to Harvard or Yale, or on the brink of achieving a masters degree of some sort, my mother will remain abusive until she decides to change. To which unfortunately I doubt she will.
As they say, you can’t train an old dog new tricks.
This was less of a cry for advice and more of a rant, but I’d be very grateful to hear another persons perspective on this matter. I would appreciate some advice either way. Thank you.
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Hello and I hope you're doing good today. I see a lot of manipulation and controlling in what she does. Mostly, she will treat you unkindly, and instead of feeling bad, or apologizing she makes up whatever she can to comfort herself in that moment. It makes her feel better. The pushing of college it sounds like she needs a trophy. If you go against the grain, your own way. Speaking your mind, thinking and doing differently than what she believes and wants. Taking any love and affection away as a form of punishment. Taking her traumas out on you. Because in a normal setting you don't just yell at people. You don't yell at the banker, you don't yell at the cashier. She's a narcissist, and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with that.
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Let me say, your history was a sad and abused one, and I'm so sorry. Nothing can change that.However, you are now old enough to become the captain of your own ship and the creator of your own future.
There are, now, some top priorities for you to attend to, including the following:
Independence: and that means both economic and emotional freedom . Both are critically important for your well being and future happiness.
You are currently trapped, by not earning any money, not driving, no education or training. So ! Of these, in what order should you tackle these daunting needs?
What's your priority? Moving away? Education/training? Driving? In the order that you feel is best, you can do all three!
For now, public transportation will be a godsend for you. Get a bus schedule. You also will need money, and you can start by getting any possible job, as soon as possible. You won't be earning much, to start, but anything you do earn should be socked away, where only you can get at it: a bank account in your name only !
Education/training: find the nearest and cheapest source. They can include skills training schools, your closest junior college,or, another possibility, join the military. If you can be assured of not going into combat, you can receive training, money, and room and board, all at once. Further, you can get a grant to go to college on their tab, after you've finished. You can also get an entire college education on line, without ever attending a campus, as long as you make sure the school is accredited and legitimate. Cheaper to do so, often.
If I were you, my topmost priority would be to get out and on your own, away from your toxic and mentally ill, abusive mother. You can reduce the expenses by sharing with a room mate, renting a room in someone's home, exchanging services for housing or even room and board. For example, you could become a live in care taker of children or property. You could become an apartment manager in exchange for free or reduced rent. Many roads to Rome! But getting out would be the healthiest and best thing for you.
And finally, if you can find a low fee resource for counseling, I would highly,highly recommend it for the support and confidence building, reduction of anxiety, and more. Every community does have its resources for same.
There you have it ! Take one step at a time, you have much to conquor, but it can be done.
Most of all, protect yourself from your toxic mother. Your own well being and emotional health must always be your highest, topmost priority, now, and forever !
Good luck and good wishes, ~Dr. Stephanie
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