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Leaving an abusive relationship
I am desperate for validation and for someone to tell me that I'm not crazy.
I've been in a relationship with someone for about a year and half. I started to realize that that there were major issues last June, when my grandmother passed away. Those first two weeks after her passing, I couldn't even eat. I couldn't get out of bed. I physically was unable to move. I would sleep, wake up, and cry. I had such a severe migraine that I lost vision from one eye for a few days. The grief was just so intense, I couldn't bear it. It was during this time that the person I had known for the past 9 months turned into someone I no longer knew. He was angry at me for every little thing. He was snapping at me constantly. His response to my crying was: "she was old, what did you expect?" He brought flowers in an attempt to "make things up" after this and got angry with me because I didn't cut the stems right away and put them in a vase.
While I was living in his apartment (which was fully paid off), he was charging me money. At the time, I was stuck between a rock and hard place because of the pandemic. His parents are the owners of the apartment, so his rent was very, very low. But, then contradicted the story by saying that he was the person who decided on the amount. I explained that I did feel that I was being taken advantage of because I didn't think the bills could be totaling so much and there simply wasn't transparency in what I was paying. He was profiting off of me living with him. It wasn't as though we were just dividing up expenses. When he was confronted, all he keeps saying is: "why do you care so much?" in an angry tone. At this point, I honestly don't care that he was making a profit. I am just tired of the circular arguments.
I had brought it up a few times in conversation. It wasn't as though I sat him down and told him that we needed to talk about it. It just came up in conversation. So, he said that he wanted to send me back some of the money. The very next day, he asked for the money back. He said he had given me too much. I told him I didn't want his money and sent it ALL back, although he said I could keep a few hundred. He said it was MY fault that he made the impulsive decision to send me money because I made him feel guilty.
He started to accuse me of not initiating doing enough things around his house when I was living there. I remember him telling me at the beginning of the relationship that his ex-wife didn't decorate the house enough. I did two VERY small things in the house and he and his parents gave me SUCH a hard time. He was very bossy when it came to the way we cleaned and I just felt like he was inspecting every nook and cranny to see if I cleaned it perfectly. I felt so suffocated there. I didn't want to live there. Alongside, he was constantly receiving mail from his ex father in law. It just became annoying. The mail started arriving directed in my name as well. Another red flag is that he told him that his ex father in law accused him of "doing things" to his ex. I don't know what "doing things" means and this conversation happened too long ago to bring up now.
I reasoned that he might be very protective of that space. I grew up in my grandparents house and if I happened to move there with a partner, I think I might be too protective of it too. I feel too connected to that home. Especially after losing my grandma, I think I would be extremely protective. He also lived there with loved ones that he has lost. So, I can understand being protective.
But, then we moved into a place that I bought. It had no history for me. It was a brand new place for both of us. It is under my name. I had it nicely furnished and everything. He has been nothing but controlling with the decor from the moment he moved in. I have to run every single thing by him. This is a small apartment and he wants to furnish it with bulky dark furniture. It takes him nearly seven convincing arguments to get him to comply with things that I'm asking. It has taken a toll on me because I constantly have to present everything to him like a lawyer before a judge. Except this is not my job. This is my life. It wasn't that he was protective of his space. It's that this is who he is. He likes to control everything.
We began to discuss having kids prior to him proposing. After he proposed, he retaliated his proposal the very next day, saying that he was having second thoughts. He apologized a day or two later and I was just so desperate for things to go back to the way they were. But, I promise you that I was out the door at this time. I had already packed all of my things. I was out the door. But, the need for validation and being soothed from the chaos was so intense, that I came back... licking breadcrumbs off the floor. Getting married actually became an elephant in the room after we had an encounter with some movers and family members of mine that ended up with police presence (this is a VERY long story). But, this was the part where I was discarded. I was kicked out of his place. I was treated like garbage. I never felt so alone in my life. My family abandoned me. My grandma wasn't here. He was ALL I had. I was desperate once again for things to go back to the way they were. He didn't discuss getting married again. In fact, he shamed me for simply wanting to have an engagement party and a bachelorette party with my friends.
It wasn't until the possibility of purchasing a townhouse together came into play that he said he wanted to follow though in marrying me. That night, we were both driving home and on the phone we were talking about kids. He said he wanted 4 kids. I'm 30 years old. I told him if he wants so many kids then he needs to find a girl much younger than me. I said that right now, with our financial status, our age, etc., I thought two was reasonable. He proceeded to tell me that he wanted to have several kids in case something happened to one of them. That day he said he wanted to follow through with marrying me in a courthouse and he didn't even want to wait until that day to start having kids. I am a religious person, so the suggestion to get married in the courthouse was a slap in the face. I told him that I would at least want to have a small dinner party with my closest friends and his response was: "how much is this going to cost us?"
There is a lot more that I can say. I can definitely produce a list of really concerning things. But, these happened most recently and I feel so upset. I feel like there's a pain in my chest. I can't just leave the property because this is my house. But, at the same time I am too depleted to confront him. I just feel like my self-esteem has been depleted. Lately, all he does is pick at things that happened in the past (things that happened almost 2 years ago). It's like constantly. I got so angry the other day because we were talking about what had happened with those movers. And he said "remember when I thought they had stolen my documents?" and I said "of course I remember because I was trying to order them for you" (the documents). He then said "don't act like you were just getting those documents because you wanted to. It was because we had a conversation about how you weren't doing enough." I left the house. I was furious. A shelf fell and I kicked it across the room. I had never felt so angry at him in my life. I could feel the blood pressure rushing to my head. He said that he still has no idea what made me so angry. Well, it's like at this point, I'm being accused of something I can't prove. I ordered those documents because I wanted to. I used my own money to order them. I got them right away as soon as I knew that the documents were potentially lost. But, he's accusing me of things that can't be proven.
The other day, during being out at dinner, I felt really anxious because I knew he was angry with me. I couldn't even eat. I knew that when the people we were out with left, he was going to tell me off. When I got home, I had to run to the bathroom because my stomach was in shambles. He stood outside the bathroom door arguing with me anyway. My heart rate at the restaurant was like at 135 beats per minute. When we made up and it was all over, my heart rate went down to 66 beats per minute. I think that is SO telling of the chemical reaction that happens in the body when people are dealing with highs and lows. I just pray that someone could tell me I'm not crazy and offer me advice in overcoming this physical reaction. It is very much like a physical addiction.
I need to leave. I realize that this is an abusive dynamic. I have spoken to people who have left these abusive relationships and they believe that "ghosting" is the best way. Abusers don't deserve an explanation. But, the issue is that we are living in my home. I can't just walk away. I can't just leave and ghost. I feel like I have to confront him and give an explanation since we are living in my house. I also feel bad. It's almost like there is a physical addiction. I'm desperate for him to treat me well so my body goes back to homeostasis. Otherwise, my heart rate is high and I feel sick. I wish I could turn off these physical responses just to give me enough time to make my escape.
Blessings to you.
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Geez, I almost could have written what you wrote. I've lived it, left him and found true love. Yes, you are in an abusive relationship. Verbal abuse which I suffered too is worse than physical in that others can't see evidence of how you've been hurt and mistreated. When you said this, "It has taken a toll on me because I constantly have to present everything to him like a lawyer before a judge," I used to do that, I remembered. In fact it was such a habit now to explain myself in every little thing, like why I decided to watch a certain TV program or buy something, even though I wasn't asked. This is one of the things a person will do to adapt to their bad situation. Another thing I wasn't conscious I had picked up during the marriage is tuning out whenever he talked to me or yelled at me and I might be right before him looking at his eyes as if listening but I was miles away in my mind and couldn't even tell you what he'd said. that habit was still there after leaving him cus I told any serious dates about my past and how I'd been abused. One day was explaining myself and the guy stopped me and said, "You don't have to do that with me, I'm not your ex." Thats when I first realized what a bad impact my ex had had on me. Then a retired counselor friend told me about my tuning out, saw me tune out of conversations with him and his wife and they worked with me to stop doing this as it was no longer needed.
About the chemical reaction as you called it, yes that is a real thing. What happens when you are being abused is that you are having to deal with a lot more stress than most people. Because you live under the same roof with the abuser there is no time for your body to have relaxing down time. The stress has to go somewhere, so it goes either to your physical body with diseases or to your mind and attacks your emotions and can eventually lead to suicide. In me, the stress went to the body, suffering from stomach ulcers, total body rash, daily headaches and a few migraines during the year. I too had an elevated heart rate from the stress. I wanted to be loved and appreciated, validated as you said. I had successfully left the ex but the real question is, "Did I really learn how to do that and leave or was it a fluke. And if I was to date again, would I be able to spot the warning signs in each guy I met? So, I was tested. First guy I rented an apt with together, both on lease, in two months time turned into the same monster I left. This time I stood up to him, told him I would not put up with this and that if he didn't change, then I would leave. He got so angry, he left and never came back, leaving me in the lurch with an apt. I couldn't cover on my own and had not found a replacement roommate. Whats worse is that this guy knew my ex, and I knew him to obviously be as bad as my husband at that time. So why would I fall in with him, get a place together when I already knew his character? Like you I wanted that validation so badly. From my experiences, I have learned to forget looking for validation outside of myself. Only I can truly validate myself. Think about that from the perspective of a gal with an eating disorder. The outside validation is her friends telling her she looks fine, cute in fact. But it is obvious that has no effect on the gal when she keeps hating her body. So she is validating herself in a negative way, 'I'm still too fat, I'm ugly, no guy will ever want to date me looking like this. So, from just that one perspective of validation, I know you must stop waiting for some guy to validate you to make you feel important and liked. To validate yourself in a positive way, you need to work on your self love, and self confidence. If you feel you do not need the self confidence, then self love should still be the focus. During prayer I heard the question, what percentage do your love yourself? My immediate answer was '100%' but next heard in my head, No you don't because you are allowing yourself to be subjected to the abuseers abuse. But that is the only area where you do not love yourself. I realized then that even if I loved myself 97 %, there was still a chance I might make decisions that were very bad or unfriendly ones for myself. You have to love yourself before you can truly love others. Just be yourself because that will be good enough for the right men out there. Yes, ghosting and not telling the abuser of your plans because once he knows, he will do anything to keep you from escaping. So if you do need a room mate to pay for your place, perhaps you can advertise for a roommate. Otherwise, invite a friend to be at your place while you tell your bf that you're splitting up. That way he's not as likely to fight and abuse you in any way. You must let him know that he needs to move out. You no longer want him there and the relationship is over. He'll want to know why but do not explain. There is no such thing as reasoning with such people. Give him a certain amount of time, okay with you to get all his belongings and himself out of the place. If you feel safe enough, stay there or stay with relatives or friends until he is moved out. If he's not on the lease, he has no saying in whether
he's staying.
However if a house, it's your property and you can actually call police to come remove him. Once he's gone, get keys to your place, changed. If you can have a dog, get one for protection after he's gone. If you get threats or feel threatened in any way from him, you can report it to the police and ask to have a restraining order put on him.
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