|
advice fr married man who cheated or “other woman” only please
I am a 40 something year old female, recently divorced. I met a married man through work. I did not work with him but he worked for a vendor we bought supplies from. We became friends and he told me about his family and I knew he was married with children at home. I’m not sure how it happened but our friendship turned into a flirting relationship. He started texting only during the day and never on the weekends. We begin exchanging photos and even Sexting and before long hurting turn into a physical relationship. I never had any expectation of him to leave his wife and we really never discussed her. He is six years younger than me and I’m recently divorced so for me, this was just a good time. The affair lasted about nine months and I went on vacation from work. My very first day of vacation, he called me to tell me that he had been questioned at work about me because my employer had installed cameras in my office and we were caught on camera. He denied all of it and I told him not to worry about it that if that really happened and they really had us on video, I would protect him in anyway I could. I know What he is doing is wrong but I have never met a nicer person in my life and the last thing I want or would want is for him to they have any kind of fall out. He was extremely nervous and was afraid he would lose everything… His family, his job, and his home. When I got back from vacation, I was called into the office and was fired. I know this was the reason even though I was not questioned about this affair. I was just “let go.” A few days later, the owner of the company questioned me and I protected my affair partner. He tried to call me twice 8 days ago but I didn’t answer...I really didn’t know what to say. 6 days ago I emailed him but have not heard anything back from him. I know he still has his job so his employer believes him and I’m fine with that. I guess I just don’t know if I should text him or email him to ask how he’s doing because I genuinely want to know or if I should just cut my losses and try to get him out of my mind. It was supposed to be fun and games but I realized I developed real feelings for him and I’m a little hurt that he hasn’t called again to see if I was ok or to tell me thank you for doing what I could to protect him. I don’t know if he got my email and I avoided his call last week So I don’t know if that’s why I haven’t heard from him. He became a great friend to me and I am used to talking and texting him all day every day during the week. I missed that tremendously and really want to reach out to him but don’t want to look even more stupid. I’d really prefer advice from a married man who has cheated before or is cheating now or advice from someone who has or still is the other woman in a relationship. Please help me because I am at a loss of what to do. I know what we did was wrong and I’m sure most people would tell me that all of this is what I deserve. I don’t care about that. Regardless of being right or wrong he’s a real feelings I have for this man, real respect, and I really, really miss him. Please help!
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
So what are you trying to figure out: whether to contact him again, or not? I say NO. If neither of you have any regard for the bonds and committments of marriage (apparently), at least know that :
*sooner or later, any affair is bound to be discovered, and yours will be , too. The man that you think so highly of is willing to lie and to cheat, and to hurt others. This isn't okay, in my book. And you are willing to be part of that.
*you have learned, the hard way, not to mix your social life and the workplace. You lost your job over it. Your "affair partner" is probably about to learn much the same. It seems that his boss is on to him already, so I'd expect his days are numbered there. Another blow to his family , in which you were a willing participant.
Another thing to think about, while you are "just having fun and games with Mr. Wonderful: a person who is willing to lie and cheat to be with you will also be as willing to lie and cheat ON you !
*There are many more issues I could bring up, but I'll stick to just one more: you are short changing yourself. You cannot hope to pursue a "real" or lasting relatinship with him, since he's not fully available to you. And any emotional energy, any time you spend in his direction will prevent you from seeking someone else with whom you could develop a lasting and meanful and fulfilling relationship.
So,I urge you to take the "real feelings" you have for this man, whom you "respect" , though he doesn't deserve it, and move on. Good luck.
]
I can't help you with discussing the morals of this situation. I am picking up in you a wish to not take anything like this seriously, because it was only something fun for you.
So I will assume you only want help with the feelings you have developed. People have a brain with ability to imagine things. Our minds also will fill in on the things we don't have, hear or see so it can feel more like a 'face to face all the way relationship. The only things I know I could truly fall for would be how a person thinks and their sense of humor. I used a dating site to find my 2nd husband, I know all about that.
What woman hasn't seen a photo or a movie or a passion scene with an actor she considers handsome and imagines briefly what it would feel like to have him paying her attention, kissing her, holding her and some will imagine more. Did I really kiss Brad Pitt? (or pick your choice actor) Whats to stop my mind from imagining the face of another guy when I am having sex with my partner/husband?
Often I hear from gals concerning an LDR, some guy they met on line and have been in a relationship with for some extended period of time, 1 to 5 years. I tell them the same I am going to tell you, while it may seem real to them, it is not in fact a full blown relationship anywhere but in their minds, its just a fantasy. The internet is a great tool for finding a person but once found they need to take it to face to face because on screen is a flat one dimensional thing, its too easy to misrepresent or lie and its hard for example to know what the person is like 24/7 when sad, angry, worried, happy and knowing whether you can handle that. There is no opportunity to experience life together and build trust , experiences you have solid proof of by going through together. ON Line, you can only suspect trust having been broken but cant know for sure. Those types of LDR's are nothing more than a fantasy in ones mind. The mind imagines and fills in the gaps of what it can not experience in real life.
I know yours if not an LDR but it works the same way for you falling for him and having feelings and missing him. Most marriages are mismatched, wrong people together or people with lots of baggage or both immature and acting like school children. But the wrong match is a biggie so often a person who is not happy sex wise, seeks a sex partner, but wont leave wife because she is at least his best friend. I had a married guy ask me to be his sex partner. I told him that as long as I could hear it from his wife that she gives her okay for that to happen, then I would. I was thinking in cases where the partner was so ill they were in pain during lovemaking, 24/7 365, always in pain or sick in some way. He actually said, I dont want to hurt her, she's my best friend. Well the perfect partner must be both your best friend and best lover to work. You need to deal with your subconscious and keep telling it you no longer want to think of him. You wont develop amnesia but the memories remain, just not with pain attached. I wish you the best.
]
More Questions: |