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Mother forcing catholicism on me
Hi,
I'm 25 years old, and I was raised catholic my entire life. I do not consider myself to be practicing, and i've struggled with my faith in the religion for a very long time now. But the thing is, I only went to church just to please my mom... I've tried telling her many times that I don't want to lie anymore and be dishonest in a church but she just doesn't seem to get it. I respect her religious views and i just wish she would respect my choices but she's doesn't get it. I feel like she's basing my humanity on my faith. Despite there being many good qualities to me, she doesn't see that at all and to her being religious trumps everything. Her not accepting me for who i am has hurt me, and me not being religious has hurt her too. she's also threatened me that she wouldn't go to my own wedding if it isn't in a church. I just feel suffocated and the only way for everyone to get along is for me to follow her ways and suffer behind curtains. Has anyone ever experienced this, or has any advice on this matter?
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You have tried all kinds of things to communicate with her and to get her to respect your preferences, without success. There's not much use in continuing to try getting water from a dry well, as they say!
Which is more important to you: getting married in the place and style you prefer; or, having your mother attend, which means church. It should be your choice, in any case, rather than hers.
You are old enough to make your own choices , live your own preferred life style, and this, I encourage you to do. One more word: the less you discuss this with her, at this point, the less you will hear back from her. You can still love her, and show her that you do...but you do need to set some firm boundaries with her on the subject.
Good luck and good wishes! Dr. Stephanie
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Your Mother is forgetting that you are an adult which means you make your own decisions. I am sure she mistakenly believes if you don't attend services regularly that you will go to Hell. So that would mean believing that it is a sin to not attend.
A pastor in my past did share that to Sin is to simple miss the mark, as it is an Archery term for not hitting the bullseye. And sin was measured by how far your arrow was away from the center.
I see two issues here, one of her pushing you to attend when you are an adult and must live your own life and make your own decisions.
The other issue could be you wanting to attend somewhere but believing that your struggle with faith and feeling you are lying and dishonest to attend when you are not sure of what you believe or if you believe. It might surprise you but I have learned that there are plenty of people who have found God and Christ, without being inside a church. A church is a building. God is Spirit. Our bodies are also buildings for peoples souls. So it doesn't matter where you, or how you worship God.
Many churches struggle with being two faced in their belief that a church is where the sick, the unGodly, those who are homeless, drug addicts, hookers, and so on should be welcome. But at the same time, church goers or even the priest might say something that makes you feel you have to be perfect to attend. That is not true. Most people in any church are nice good people who try to act as Jesus but lack that closeness to Jesus. That is because our human body, the shell that it is, is not spiritual, only our soul is so we must learn how to seek God with a mind open to being Spiritual. I have at times achieved it, then lose it and then achieve it again. Its like a kid learning to tie shoelaces, and thats hard for most of us. Some get it right and then wrong the next time. This back and forth struggle is common but no matter what, as long as in our hearts we are trying to reach out to God, that matters most to Him. Your Mom needs someone to talk to her, another adult whom you know, does treat her adult children as adults and no longer tells them what to do. Ask around and see what you can find or else it will rest on your shoulders to tell her. If so, you reassure that you love her and when you want advice, you will ask her for it. But when it comes to decision making, you will make your own decisions without anyone, including her, directing you as to what you should do. I can't even do that, I can only share my story and my advice. Ultimately it is all your choice.
Congrats on getting Married. I know it must feel bittersweet due to your Moms ultimatum and how every bride wants her parents there if possible.
Mom is attempting to control you by choosing a special event in your life, to give her ultimatum. She knows if she simply said she won't give her blessing but still attended, it wouldn't have as strong of a will of power to possibly break you, or your will at least. If you want to get married outdoors or a unique location other than a church building, that is perfectly okay. If you give in to her and have the wedding at church, it will have to be her church and she will then know that she can continue to manuever you as she wishes with ultimatums. Somes Moms meddle even in whom the daughter choose to marry, forbidding dating even a certain person. Sometimes parents do have valid concerns and it is good to hear them out once. Then its still up to you to decide. However, in this situation, if you cave in, you will have lost. Do whatever you can to have others speak to her and hopefully change her mind or you may have to have this wedding without her.
As long as you believe: The only way for everyone to get along is for me to follow her ways, then she will continue to use that and you will be miserable. You can get along fine with any like minded family or family that leaves your choices up to you, but she will be left out if she doesnt change. She really is hurting herself. If you do want a church wedding, it doesn't have to be the church you were raised in. Keep in mind there are many couples who don't attend a church and go viewing churches to find a building and setting they find most beautiful to them. I have seen some pretty ugly churches or ones with double use, like a gymnasium. Of course you would have to pay the church for use of their building. You can also choose any pastor or priest you feel most comfortable with. People who don't believe in God will either get married by a Justice in court and have the wedding as well after. Draw your line in the sand so to speak, and start carrying out all the details in your life without her telling you things. YOu can kindly say, Mom, I do listen to advice. Whether I act on the advice is my decision. However, I do not wish to receive advice I didn't ask for. Use a phrase like that, after you or someone has talked to her. Every time she is attempting to say, you should this and you should that, if you haven't asked for advice or what does she think, all you have to do is remind her "I do not recall asking you for advice Mom. I know it must be hard to switch to treating me like the adult that I am despite being your child, but these are my wishes.
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Been there felt that. I had it with people involved with Christian Science. Your mother probably sees church as her place of belonging and feels you need to have the same beliefs as hers. You don't and she's not receptive. T
he whole not going to your wedding thing is daft. Next time she says that tell her sorry we will miss you but it's our special day. Someone needs to tell her where her place is and that she's making you absolutely miserable about a choice that is yours and yours alone.
Find someone she listens to be it a relative, friend or other adult she respects. Have them tell her that what she's doing is pissing not only you off but others. Perhaps a teacher could even reach out or a guidance counselor of family doctor. Better yet talk to one of the church leaders and have them tell her to knock it off.
At 25-years-old you have the right to your own beliefs and to choose and nobody including her should be able to trample all over you. She's being incredibly awful. If she does this again try not speaking to her for awhile or walk away if she brings this stuff up. Maybe she'll get it then.
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