|
I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong
I don't normally complain like this but this was the first time I'd ever asked for personal advice. Ok so I have a nice family well, they're nice most of the time. It's been a while since this started but my dad has been really toxic lately. It's sometimes for silly reasons but I feel it's gotten out of control. When I rearranged the furniture in my room a little bit today, my dad got completely mad at me. He said I was being really irritating and would take my room away. I don't want that to happen. And that's not the only thing. He also tells me that I'm lacking common sense and shouts at me for no reason. I know I'm NOT lacking common sense. I always feel really depressed. He compares me and my sister to other kids and tells us that we're wasting time. I spend literally 3/4 of my day studying or in school. I don't know what to do. I even felt like running away but I don't want to upset my mom and my sister who are nicer to me. I feel really insecure and the worst thing is that it's not just me he is mean to. I always see other dads who treat their kids so nicely and I get so upset. I feel like my dad has a big ego and I know most of us do but it's really hurting me and my sister too. What should I do? Please help me.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
That is not normal behavior, so you've now heard this twice. And yes, his behavior is toxic. It will definitely affect you in negative ways if things inside of him don't change. I have lived through a toxic relationship with ex husband. When the stress is on going with no breaks to recooperate, it builds until you have depression or physical health issues. I say this because I know. In my case the stress finally made my body break down and get every stress related illness there is. I know other things can cause some of these but to name a few, all body rashes, constant headaches, migraines, and stomach ulcer, etc . . .
In reading, you finally mentioned a Mom, I started thinking perhaps you didn't have a Mom but I see that you don't want to upset her or sis. This makes me wonder if you are the only one in the household he lashes out at. Its possile but his over the top extremely bad behavior could not be something they don't know about. Its possible he picks on your Mom too. She can not very easily at least not hear him. Mens voices are louder to begin with and get really loud when they are upset so unless the rest of house is totally sound proofed, each room, then she must know whats going on. It is also possible that like me, I gave up trying to reason with my ex husband and quietly avoided saying things that were like throwing fuel on an already blazing emotional fire in him. But if I witmessed him yelling at the kids, I stepped in front and told him to go calm down and he was not going to do anything to hurt the kids emotionally or physically. But I shook with terror because I knew he could snap and add physical violence to his harmful speech. He did start pushing me physically later. I locked him out of the house until he calmed down. But a short while later, left him and got a divorce. Sorry, don't mean to mislead, there was a psychologist in there too, a good one, but husband only pretended to go after the initial visits I accompanied him on. I heard him brag on phone to someone that he had my fooled and thought he was going to the Dr. jkut he wasn't. Thats when I knew it was time to leave.
I mentioned abuse, which is what your situation is also, and how it was all verbal at first but much later on, he snapped and started pushing me when angry and once knocked me off our 3 step cement porch onto the cement driveway where I was able to catch myself with my hands preventing injury. If I had fallen wrong, I could have been injured or died. I can't say what is eating your Dad up inside but he is very unhappy about something, and when theres too much on a daily basis built up inside, he'll dump it out on someone, usually a family member, and in your case, its you as far as I know right now. So don't let this continue without speaking to those who may be able to help. Your Mom needed to hear whats going on if for some reason she doesn't know. She may be very afraid of him if she does know and has done nothing. And I can tell you, it's tremendous fear. If Mom is willing, perhaps she can talk to Dad, maybe have a family meeting where all can mention things but not be interrupted or corrected, where everyone's thoughts are welcome. That probably won't happen with Dad. You and sis talking to you won't work either. It is hard enough for an adult to receive criticism or corrections from another adult, but an adult will either shut down or get extremely angry. SO don't even try or you will bring his wrath down on you. Mom will have to talk to family Dr and try to get him to go for help. However, most people who are like this, sense down in their subconscience that something is wrong but they don't want to know and don't care and will refuse help. So you may get more help from HS or college counselors, whichever applies to you. If the family has attended church, call to talk to the pastor or set up a meeting to let him know whats going on. I like the idea of staying with some other relative for a while, if there is anyone who would take you in. A separation would help you out but your Dad won't be getting the help he needs until the authorities know whats going on and that is your Moms job, to reach out and ask for help for the family. Family counseling may help some of you, those who suffered mistreatment from him but if he's stubborn and feels there is nothing wrong with him, then he will refuse help and aay that all of you are the problem. This situation can change in so many ways for worse so it's hard to predict what will help. If you haven't prayed before, start now by asking God to send you Angels to protect you from Dad. It sounds mostly like verbal abuse right now so if you have a good imagination, you can try imagining tiny mirrors in your ears so that his nasty and hateful words get reflected back at him without you having to speak a word. I have heard of a few counselors you told me about that. It's basically a non verbal way of taking the garbage he throws at you and sending it back at him, silently stating that you are not a dumpsite for garbage. I can't say how well it will work for you, it helped me a little. You can tune out and ignore a person when they;re around but quiet. Its harder when they yell a lot. I will be praying for your Dad to get the help he needs. Blessings to you dear and I'd love to hear back how things are going in the future.
]
There's probably nothing you can do about your dad. You don't know what's behind the scenes where he can't help but lash out at people. Maybe he's miserable at his job or has some health condition. Physical or mental. Maybe his hormones are out of whack. Maybe he can't get it up and is just angry all the time. You just don't know. A lot of people when they're mad, they'll project things about themselves onto others. So like, things they hate about themselves, they'll put those attributes on others, even if its not true. So, maybe he hates that he wastes time and believes he lacks common sense, subconsciously. Comparing you to others is just a thing parents do sometimes when they're mad. Maybe he's depressed too and this is how he deals with it.
So, you can just think to yourself that he's somehow sick and that makes him lash out at people. It has nothing to do with you, so don't take it personally. All you can really do is change the way you feel. Not taking it personally is a huge step in the right direction. There's a book called "the 4 agreements" and its about changing the way you look at things and others in order for you to live more happily even if people around you are toxic. 2 of the agreements are "don't take things personally" and "don't assume". By learning to do those 2 things, your feelings can be spared when someone is being difficult.
Not too long ago I lived with toxic people and I was really depressed. I had to basically leave the house and go for a long walk to not be around them and spend some time in nature. I gotta say, it worked great. The sun gives you vitamin D which is good for depression. People with vitamin D deficiency are often depressed. So walking in nature in the sun cured me of depression and allowed me some peace away from those toxic people. Being in nature is also beneficial to your mind. With the side benefit of losing weight. Exercise is also good for depression cause it releases feel good chemicals. Meditation is another good way to de-stress. It takes some practice, but it might be worth your time for your mental health.
My mom used to really yell at my face and I just had to stand there and take it. So I developed a technique of pretending that I was transparent, like a ghost, and all the mean words and anger would just go right through me and nothing stuck to me. With some practice, I got pretty good at it and it helped a lot when getting yelled at for no reason.
If you're feeling really down or consider hurting yourself or something, you can call the suicide hotline and maybe they can point you in the right direction, in terms of getting counseling. The school might have counseling services too or give you a phone number. Also, don't run away, you'll only make things worse.
You don't know the reason your dad is mad all the time, but it probably has nothing to do with you, so don't take it personally. Parents sometimes act how their parents acted. So maybe your grampa also had an attitude problem when your dad was growing up and he's just repeating the cycle. The point is you just don't know. Don't make assumptions since you don't know the answer as to why he's always angry. Sucks that he takes it out on you. Even then, don't take it personally. Don't swallow his poison even if he hands it to you every day. There's probably youtube videos on how to deal with difficult people too.
]
It's not your fault and you did nothing for him or anyone else to treat you in that matter. You have to ask yourself is a drinker, mean drunk or is there a physical or mental illness going on? He may have a mental health issue here with erratic behaviour and moods that come out of nowhere. Often people who do and aren't treated can act exactly like he has been and pick someone who is easy to attack.
I think what you need to do is realize it's coming from a place of illness and it's bullshit not caused by anything you have done. It's his issue and choice to say and do these things and maybe he needs treatment. You need to tell yourself every time he lashes out that he doesn't know the real you and that is not the reality.
You need to align yourself with your mother and siblings who can stand up to him too and get them to go after him when he says this kind of thing to you to show it's not acceptable. You should also get your teachers and school counselors behind you to indicate to parents that you're unhappy at home.
If unable to let them do that at least get their help to empower you. You need a therapist so you can learn how to function and counter what he's saying and doing.
I would have your mother talk to his physician or write a confidential note at the first opportunity about his sudden erratic behaviour, bullying his kids and constant verbal and or physical abuse. Have that person figure out if this is signs of an illness, crisis or something that needs attention in another way. His behaviour isn't normal and nor should you suffer for it.
It is his loss that he's missing out on who you really are which is the bright person you really and truly are. You really have to know who you are inside and that way none of this crap as shocking as it may be and awful can touch you. If you build up an inner defence like that and walk away from the situation and him when it happens you're better off.
Running away is NOT a good idea at all. You can land in all kinds of trouble and you haven't shelter, a job or money to survive and could meet all the wrong people. It's not an option. Running away doesn't solve the problem that will always stay with you.
I think what you could do temporarily is live with a relative that is close to your mother and siblings rather than at home and in his orbit or with a friend and their family. If you can break away for a bit it may be good for your mental health especially not quarantined in a house or apartment 24/7 with him.
]
More Questions: |