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I’m not sure whether to leave him or keep him at arms distance
I have been dating this man for 7 months now. But it doesn’t feel like that long because we don’t see each other very often. About once a week throughout this whole time. He told me that his intentions with me are to be in a relationship. He also told me I’m his favorite woman out of everyone he’s dating and he does special things for me and no one else, the other women are just sex.
My problem is not that he’s with other women. My problem is that i feel like he doesn’t like me as much as i like him. I’m afraid “I love you” will slip out of my mouth before he says it to me. And i will feel like i care the most. Which has always hurt me in the past, and those relationships have ended because I’ve become clingy and just too involved in those relationships.
I’ve been doing it different with him though, i allow him to initiate all the dates and all the conversations. I haven’t been very good at allowing him to address any issues between us because he’s a very easy going guy and not many things bother him. So i find myself bringing it up when i need something to change. (I don’t like it because he gives me the impression that he doesn’t care. If there’s really nothing to say to me) I’ve already asked him “where is this going” and “what if we were exclusive” and he’s given me the impression both times that he’s in no rush. But he also doesn’t want to lose me.. and this rubs me the wrong way because it doesn’t feel like he would really care if he lost me.
He says he does things for/with me that he doesn’t do with anyone else; he bought me a diamond bolo bracelet, matching robes for us, took me on 2 vacations to the Poconos, has paid for every date and almost every meal so far with little to no complaints, he has come to visit me at work twice. But only because i asked him to. he has listened to me and remembered my orders or my favorite places to go and makes sure i have the food or the dates just the way i like them.
Yet still i feel like he may be putting on an act. I only see him like 1 time a week. He maybe has the capacity to put on a front once a week for me and go back to being himself for the rest of the week. I don’t know. I’ve mentioned to him that i would like to see him more often but he has told me he has a lot going on and his schedule is mostly him at work. When he’s not at work he goes to this secret society club, spends time with his family and friends, and, you guessed it, with other women. So he doesn’t even text me or call me unless he’s setting up the next date with me. I don’t know if i should start seeing other men myself and take the pressure off of him, or just cut it off. He hasn’t lied to me or otherwise mistreated me so it’s very conflicting.
We are not in a relationship. We are not even exclusive. This feels more like prolonged friends with benefits with a vague relationship future, maybe maybe not. I’m 23 he is 29. He has his own place and when we see each other i always drive to him.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Hi. The first thing that strikes me...is that you are willing to share him with other women, with whom he is also having sex. Is this really okay with you? There are normally emotional issues about such an arrangement, plus health considerations, e.g., std's, covid exposure. And then, there's always the possibility of pregnancy. What do you think he would do, if you did become pregnant? I know....
He initiates all contact? What would happen, if you were to invite him to do anything? Would it conflict with his other dating habits? Seems to me you are getting short changed, and are overly accommodating to his control.
Hon, this is a classic situation of him having his cake and eating it too. So of course, he's in "no rush"! You are simply part of his harem.
He is buying you with favors, gifts, trips, etc., being kind and attentive, but on his schedule. This isn't love, if that's what you're looking for. If you're content to be a "friend with benefits", so be it. But I find such relationships are often sorely lacking, especially for women, who end up feeling empty, depressed, and that, quite rightly, a lot is missing .
He's a nice friend with benefits, mostly for him, but that's all. As to where this is going, its quite likely to remain the same. Unless you decide you seek more. As long as you remain with him, you are preventing yourself from finding and developing a more meaningful relationship with someone else.
So, hon, what do YOU want?!
Good luck and good wishes,
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Sorry but this will be long for me to share all I feel you need to know to make your own best decision.
Just because he says things about the situation does not necessarily mean they are true. What you can take to the bank and count on is when a person is consistently doing something right. Words are cheap, so you don't know you are truly his favorite and that the other women are just for sex. What he did when you were sick would be one thing you can expect from a happy healthy relationship but so far, that's the only one I've heard.
Let me tell you what happens when a guy falls hard for a female. I received a message on dating site on computer I was using that to meet a guy. I wanted real love this time around and a healthy marriage. I took a space meant for something else like the one labeled 'what I do in my spare time' and put a list of what I was looking for in a guy, a list of about 7 things that were criteria he had to meet before he could write to me. I got his message early Saturday morning the 11th. I wrote him back immediately and had to wait all weekend for him to write back Sunday night. He had used an old email he rarely checked anymore. Once he realized it, he wrote. I got the message and I wrote back answering any statement or point he shared. He thought I was too good to be true and full of BS as he told me later but he gave me his number and asked me to call. He didn't want to wait til next weekend to meet me so he mentioned he drove a delivery truck and took his afternoon break in a certain grocery parking lot near where I went to see a caregiving client. So I called Monday and reminded him I was on my way. After that short talk in person, he wanted to chat every night with me.. often til our phones ran out of battery. And we met also the following Sat. If a guy is really into you, he will want to learn more about a gal to see if she is the one for him. I had taken the reins and told him what was and was not acceptable, and that is being self confident. I would stand by that, no matter how many guys I had to meet to find the right guy. If you want to attract a great guy, these guys are attracted to self confidence in a woman. That second weekend I went to his apt, meet his daughter, he was divorced. She liked me. But once she holed herself up in her room, he still made no moves towards me. We had traded things when me met on Monday. An instruction booklet of mine falling apart which he promised to fix for me and an astrology book he had with pages marked he wanted me to read certain things. I thanked him for fixing my booklet and used that moment to thank him adding a kiss. I later found out, he on purpose waited to see if I would make the first move. He didn't want to kiss me first in case I ended up not liking him enough, but there was chemistry. Within the week I was driving 45 mins every evening to visit him where he lived. And due to the chemistry started the sexual part of the relationship. If a guy is interested he won't put off having time with you. You might be sharing priority in your life with a job, maybe his family or a sport team, but if you aren't one of three important things, guys can't really give their best to more than one thing. Also just remembered you may need to realize that a solid and successful foundation in a romantic
relationship is comprised of just two things, being best of friends and also each others sexual equal. This would mean a guy finds both the sex partner and best friend in the same one person. I can say my current husband is both. Most relationships and divorced marriage have only one or the other. If he's already getting all the sex he wants elsewhere and even though you have sex with him, he may have it in his mind that the only way he'll be fulfilled is by having lots of variety, then he is a fool. So that leaves friendship. Can you truly say that other than money he spends on you, is he treating you like his very best friend as well?
I waited with first husband for him to change into the perfect husband doing what the church said, to pray for God to heal your marriage. He thought I was weak and he could walk all over me. Near end of marriage when a counselor friend of ours asked him if he was in love with me, he dodged answering 3 times by saying terrible made up things about me. The counselor knew he was deflecting and knew me better than he was being told. Eventually hubby answered he loved me for being a good mother only. That explained a lot. I was in my forties and all this time thought he must have loved me to have wanted to marry me. No, he just wanted to appear normal, you know, a guy with a wife, kids, house, dogs and cats and the white picket fence. Don't look deeper to see whats wrong with me is the subconscious thought of people who have something off about them.
You dear, have intuition and have already stated plenty of times that you felt many misgivings about him and said it wasn't a relationship. I think for clarity you meant you were not a dating couple, or going steady, or two singles living together like a married couple.Unlike myself not questioning things relationship-wise, you are, so you are already ahead off where I used to be. I now see the signs from back then that something was wrong but I know for sure after living through it.
I do wonder what his secret society club really is about. For all you know, he is a regular attending member of a swing club. He could instead be polyamorous. I've known several couples who were, and watched all the relationship dynamics. Whether single or married, one woman is the guys core relationship. That relationship comes first and should be healthy. I've seen the core relationships fall apart if either had issues with untreated insecurities, or other personal issues.
His spending 7 months and not wanting to commit to you that way, means he has no business being with you, or if he does love you enough, he has no business spending time with other women at this time. It should not have taken him 7 months to figure out you are the right one and only one for him. We all deserve better than that. If he wanted extra women for sex, okay...no problem. But that works only if the core relationship, of you and him are worked on first, have time to grow, blossom and mature over time. A healthy couple will grow strong in time so no calamity could tear them apart.
His buying you lots of stuff doesn't mean for sure he loves you. Maybe he does but spending money on you/giving gifts reminds me of one of a book on the 5 love languages.
As far as how people show love in relationships, there are five different types, in a book called 'the Five Love Languages' by Gary Chapman, the original author but many have made similar books. I suggest getting it because if you're feeling like you're not on the same page, have differing love for each other,you'll want to read it. If it doesn't help here and isn't the issue, you can use it with anyone, family, friends, a new boyfriend/fiancee. Using the wrong love language on ones partner is a quick way to feel unsatisfied and question the love in your relationship. Ask any bookstore to order it for you, but if you can't find it that way, order on line or try Christian bookstores as Chapman is a Christian. Here is an on line quiz you can take:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location) to find out your love language.
Usually people make errors in giving a partner love the same way they expect to receive it, and there may be a second one as well. If you truly feel and know you are loved by receiving gifts rather than one of the other four, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch, then he loves you, and something else may be wrong. He needs to take the test too for this to work.
Between a you tube video by a guy telling women how to tell if their partner loves them and some of my own revelations, I have created a list to share next to determine if he truly loves you. Here it is:
7 Questions to know if he really loves you
1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says “I love you”, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.
How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.
If you decide to leave him and are considering dating again and wish to have someone to check with to see what is thought of that person or whats happening, I'd like to help. Change is hard dear, but I hope you make the best decision for yourself.
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Trust your gut it will never lie to you. If red flags are popping up about him then it's time to pump the brakes. If he's as in to you as he claims he wouldn't only be seeing you once a week regardless of where he works.
People can be sweet and do things for others but can also be playing them at the same time. If you sense he's putting on an act and telling you exactly what you want to hear then trust that voice inside your head. If he's going to places that are a secret from you that's also an alarm.
It seems as though he's in to multiple women and a player. I don't think there would ever be exclusiveness with him either even though he pledges it. If he's seeing multiple people once a week then you have to imagine what he's feeding them too.
He may seem like a nice guy or someone who could be a friend but I think you're being used and played for a sucker by him. It also seems as though he's not initiating things and counting on you to do so.
As far as lavish gifts go it's the same thing that he may be using his money on other girls. How well do you know him after 7 months? What do you really want from this? Why doesn't it seem to matter if he's with others and or just being a sexual partner with nothing attached? You have to ask yourself these questions and evaluate where you should be. It doesn't sound like a situation that I personally would want to be in or keep alive.
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