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Married but still think of my college ex fondly
Is it possible that my ex thinks of me at all? We were friends for 6 months and then dated for another 8 months. While not the longest relationship...they were formative years. we were eachothers firsts and we were both mid-college. We are both married now with families but a few times a year she pops in my head and I can't get her out. We are facebook friends but outside of saying Happy Birthday, there is no contact. Do I just keep trying to forget?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
My answer to you would depend upon just how you are remembering and thinking about her. If its with fondness, even heart warming thumps, so be it. What a lovely thing.
But if its more...? Such as, you would like to imagine having an affair with her, etc.? Then, its spelling "Trouble in River City".
How is the state of your marriage? Is this simply a piece of your cherished history? Or, are you missing something with your present spouse, difficulties resolving issues, a lack of compatibility, marriage being different from the dating experience, etc.
If its anything like this, you need to face and deal with whatever is upsetting or unfulfilling, that might lead you to focus more upon your old romance. Fix it. Or......then, consider your alternative options.
If this isn't the case, if you aren't obsessing about your first love, okay, life happens. Remember her fondly,even romantically; but then, let the rest go. If you are "Facebook friends", this might keep the pot stirred up and that isn't a good thing.
But if you are obsessing and "cannot forget" her, if you are unhappy in your marriage (?), perhaps its time to reassess what you want and even to act upon it.
Unless your former girlfriend is in the same position, you would do best to leave her alone, for both your sakes, as well as all the other family members concerned on both sides. Good luck and good wishes, ~Dr. Stephanie
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Unless you used the wrong word, there is nothing wrong with thinking fondly of someone. Fond of means having a liking for or love for. However nothing is mentioned of desiring sex with. You did not say this but I want to be clear that last bit is somewhere you don't want to go with your thoughts.
If you are surprised and feel guilty about just remembering your relationship, you need to hear that the only way to totally forget someone in your past is by having amnesia, But of course you won't even know who you are then. The truth is that people are not able to forget people in their past, they will only find that the emotions attached to thinking of them, will change over time. I don't know how its come about that people assume once a relationship ends that all thoughts and memories of the ex person go away, to never come back. Thats not going to happen and I've lived it with an abusive husband just shy of 30 yrs before I left him. I was very abused and could have hated him or all men but I chose to feel sorry for him instead, that his soul wasn't at the same level as mine and realizing things would never change if I stayed. Today I see him at family gatherings for childrens or grandchildrens birthdays sometimes and are on facebook together. I can be around him and not feel a bit uncomfortable, or fearful, or hateful. There is no emotion connected there.
As far as feeling some level of love and concern for someone in the past, most humans arent ready yet to understand or live this correctly. My 2nd husband has a past wife as I have a past husband. She is a bit more needy and at times she has called my hubby when something bad happened like her dog died and she really has no one else to talk to.I am not jealous of her. We both have shared stories of our past and past partners, which come out sometimes in life, like after a phone call from her, or my explaining my actions to hubby, out of habit having had to do it often with ex. And when he asks why I said that, I will share some things about the ex and how I always had to be in a self protection mode and explaining myself often was part of it.
Lastly, you can love certain aspects of a person and at the same time be in love with your partner. The two are not the same but again humans are led astray and don't understand feelings correctly. If I say I love chocolate ice cream, it means I have a preference to have it above other flavors.Saying I love it doesn't mean I want to marry it. I don't feel that kind of love. To take away any confusion of types of love, you can read this link naming and explaining all of them.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
So now if you've read that and hear me tell you that in ending his call with ex, he says 'love you', I understand and it doesn't bother me. I know where I stand with him and he makes his interest in me, clear every day in telling me how special I am, how much he loves me, watching his eyes cloud with desire, being open and sharing when he's chatting with an old female friend from his past on facebook. I get to read the whole conversation and its all friendship, no romantic stuff. I hope you realize now that you are normal and you can't erase her from your mind. If you were thinking of her daily and multiple times a day, and that bothered you, there is something you can do to stop your subconscious from bring up these thoughts. But yours are only a few times a year, if that was not an understatement. The few times are normal too. I find that I might see something, or be somewhere or hear something that brings up a memory of someone from my past,good memories, and it is healthy to get a quick smile from these thoughts.
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Memories aren't a bad thing as long as you realize that being Facebook friends or bumping into one another occasionally or sharing friends is all that is going to happen. It's platonic. Wondering about someone's welfare and what they are doing now is fine.
You can't forget or erase someone who had impact on you but you have to realize that you both are with different people and families. Obviously there's something about her that sticks in your mind. Provided it's not unhealthy or something you can't act upon it's okay to wonder about something. Thinking about her constantly means something needs to be resolved so you can move on completely.
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