|
Clingy non-boyfriend won’t leave me alone
I’ve been talking to a guy for 8 months now. I haven’t met him in real life yet. At first, I was mutually interested in him up until I saw him interacting w/ other girls (through social media). I asked him about this, his response was “I only talk to them for a max 1 month”, followed by “you’re the only girl I’m serious about/want to spend my life with. And, "You’re the only girl who could break my heart, if you leave me I’ll be devastated”.
He drops the L bomb very frequently. Which didn’t make sense to me. He’s always texting me, & would often times ask me if I was talking to someone new if I had replied too late, to which I told him I wasn’t. His response would be “No.. it’s fine if you are. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I can handle emotional pain.” However, he would still giving me a hard time if I simply interact w/ a guy online in a platonic manner. He would say, “I have high expectations of you.”
Okay, i’m not quite sure if this was suspicious, but I’ll this anyway in case anyone thinks it is & wants to inform me. But he would ask me what I did the whole day, if I ate, what did I eat, what I was doing. I always took this as a simple act of care & didn’t put too much thought behind it. But now it seems like it could’ve been a masqueraded as one. I’m not sure though.
Then, he would check who I was following on social media, & if I had an interaction w/ another conventionally attractive male, he would have a strong visceral reaction & inquire me ab it in a passive aggressive way, threatening to stop talking to me b/c he thought I didn’t care ab him. He constantly “jokes” ab us having kids, getting married, meeting his parents, he would say “tell your mom I said hi.” and yeah, it made me uncomfortable.
(Side note: I think he wants to me “wait” for him to stop playing around w/ other girls, stating that he’ll naturally “change” once he’s in his later 20’s & wants to settle down.”)
I want to know how to get him off my back permanently. He wants to meet me in person, but I’m holding it off b/c I don’t want to continue this relationship. How do I do it w/o it having be suspicious or too abrupt?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Honey, stop worrying about being "too abrupt" or creating "suspicion" ! This boy (how old is he?), is not going to get the message unless you are firmly clear and state in no uncertain terms that you are done with him, no negotiation or explanations are needed after that. And if you do continue to engage, it will only prolong things.
He sounds controlling, immature , unrealistic. Many problems are suggested. He doesn't want you to have other relationships, while its fine for him to do the same. And, he's never even met you in person ? !!
He is obsessive and contacting you way TOO MUCH , about EVERYTHING! This person, regardless of his age or even his maturity level, is not normal!
I strongly recommend that you quickly inform him that you are done, 100% and have moved on. Do not answer him after that, do not respond to any comments he may make on line. He may not get the message , at first, he may even redouble his efforts to get you to respond and change your mind! But if you stick to your guns and don't reply, he will have to accept things, sooner or later! You need to be free of him, NOW. Good luck and good wishes, ~Dr. Stephanie
]
Actually, hate to burst your bubble but solid advice was correct in stating this isn't a real relationship. Nothing about it is what two people need to learn if they are right for each other.
How do I know this? I lived though it, experienced and can tell you that what you know from a person on line and by phone, someone you've never met, is not enough to qualify as a real relationship. To give a good example, you are unable to know what his arms feel like around you or cuddlling, what his kiss feels like or better yet, if there is any chemistry.
I never let the internet thing go on for long, using the pc mostly as a tool, the best tool for finding someone, to learn of their existence. Then you take it into real life and meet as soon as you can in real life. I remember two different guys whom I was excited about and very hopeful for but the one I did feel chemistry with did not care about himself, his health and only preferred eating high carb meals out every day. He was grossly overweight as a reault of his habit. Weight wasn'tk the issue, but whether or not the person could keep up with me in something as simple as walking. The other when we met, were in each others presence, both felt the lack of chemistry and he spoke up quick to say, "IT's not going to work, is it?" I shook my head and said, I don't feel any chemistry either, so no, it won't." But I can guarantee you this was a very nice guy.
I used to be married starting at age 20. Was too naive then, and didn't see the warning signs. Met him in person and he liked controlling things, and asking me lots of questions. Asking is not the issue,asking many questions isn't bad either, as long as you don't fire one after another at a person interrogation style. In between, there should have been something said in their answers that got you thinking of something you want to share and say and you do. That is normal. However from experience, I know it is not normal to check up on a supposed love, threaten them with ultimatums and so on. If you want more details on what life was like with him, I can share, but in short, this guy you speak of has me feeling lots of warning signs. There is lack of trust in you as it might seem, but this is actually something going on inside him. He doesn't like the competition of other males, even in something so benign as talking to another male. It means most men will come across as alpha male and he wants to be the only male in your life. Later he may try to make himself the only person in your life by forbidding seeing your friends and even your own family and parents, even the mom he keeps saying to say hi to. This men, on a subconscious level are aware something is wrong with them, that they aren't quite normal. But instead of seeing a Dr. and finding out whats going on, they create a false look about them. First, they believe they will look more normal if they have a girlfriend or wife. This is so important to such a man, that he won't wait on one girl to fall for him but talk to, date or see more at the same time if he can.
In the end, a psychologist whom my then husband saw, told us that he was doing that 'trying to fit in with the Joneses' mentallity, meaning he wanted to appear so normal that no one thinks to go digging deeper to find there is something quite off about him. I suppose women do this too but in this story, it's about the guys. It is best you do not talk to or meet him ever? Why? Unless you want to see what if feels like to feel your significant other is a nightmare 24/7/365. Added to that is the tremendous stress of living with someone like that, never being happy, the stress leading to a break down in your body, either mentally or physically. For me it was physically, stress related health situations, like daily headaches,all over body stress rash, ulcers, and so on. I don't have any of those since leaving him. Since he's in his early twenties, a lot of males are not ready to marry at this age and will decide to do so once hitting thirty or a bit older. But your reasoning of him wanting you to wait until he is serious is most likely not at all whats going on. Some people are so reclusive they may never want to marry and will be happy to string along any person they can who will be compliant and do as they wish. My ex thought my introvertness and quietness were signs I was a weak compliant person with no self confidence so he could control me way too easy. He made a big mistake, underestimating me. I was just starting to gain self confidence and today am very outgoing, talkative and self confident. Everything in me fought against him emotionally and mentally abusing me. That is what you can look forward to in a life with him in it, even if just as a friend because he'll not be content as only friend because he would lack the ability to control you if allowing you to have other friends.
The only way this can happen is if you allow it. Yes, I was lieing to myself all along, thinking everything had a good explanation, and so making excuses in my mind for him. But you hopefully don't have to go through the whole experience to learn. Block him online and don't even view what he wrote. I did that once with a mssg from ex after I left. It was so hateful, I wished I hadnt looked. No meet up in person. Block his phone number. Unless he has your full address, which isn't smart to give out until you've met a good amount of time in public first, you can't trust someone off the internet because its too easy to hide who you really are. I talked to a young male neighbor decades ago who told me he'd found a gal on line, he liked her personality.When he met her,she did not look at all like her photos because she had used photos of some model.She was overweight. He told me he wasn't picky when it came to looks,he wanted the great personality and no matter how short or tall, skinny or fat, color of skin, he would not have minded, but because she lied to him about her looks, he wouldnt tolerate dishonesty. Sound harsh? No second chance? You are darned right it should be that way. People are trying to impress when they first meet you and will create and live a false identity. However it takes so much personal energy to keep that going that eventually,something bad will slip through a crack in the pretty jar. You can bet there is more stored inside of what you just saw.It's never that a human makes a mistake only once. We always repeat until we finally 'choose' to learn to do
better. So block him every where after writing a final note to him saying that this is not going to work and you don't have anyone else yet, but you are still looking for the one to marry and he is not it, there isn't the right kind of chemistry." Then sent message, block him and don't answer if he comes on right away. Shut it down.Thats how you get rid of him.If he discovers where you live, do not invite him in. Ask him to leave right away since he has no reason that you would be okay with for him to be there. (He has his own reasons based on his own thinking but thats not good enough.) Keep your door closed and keep asking him to leave, if he doesn't. You may have to call a neighbor friend to pop out for a bit and be a witness to him hanging at your door. Also call police and tell them an unwanted man is at your door and won't leave. At worst, they'll suggest you file a restraining order. While this all sounds way over the top as your reaction, it is not.Police can't guard you24/7 and so if he doesn't get the message and feels its okay to keep showing up hoping to break you down, he will keep it up. Once a controller believes he's found a female who won't fight him, he won't give up easily because then he'd have to start all over searching for a meek, shy, self conscious women easy to control. They don't want someone who fights back. So please keep this in mind. I have a girlfriend whose husband was abusive. They had one toddler and she was expecting and one he beat her,especially kicking her pregnant stomach until she aborted on the kitchen floor in a pool of blood.Help agencies,had nothing to suggest for a controller who became violent. They suggested she pack up a car with her and son and leave all behind and just drive to relocate as far away as she could. She traveled across the entire country. I am not giving you such stories to scare you, but be fair to let you how where you are at right now could become that bad if you go off in a direction that led you to him as b f or husband.
]
You need to tell your parents about this interaction and that you feel creeped out as you should be by this person. You have no idea on social media platforms or other Internet applications who people really are and their background. It's no place for people especially teens looking for companionship.
He needs to be looked into because what he's doing really sounds wrong especially trying to be controlling and knowing about your movements. He's probably talking to a lot of people and may not be the age you think.
This is not a relationship or a real one and you need to see that it never was. I would say tell adults all you know about him and completely disconnect form the guy immediately.
]
More Questions: |