|
Escaping the friend zone
I’ve developed really strong feelings for one of my friends, but it’s hard because he doesn’t see me in the same way. I met him a year ago through a Bible study group at my university. We got to know each other really well because he gives me rides to church. To start with, I had a little puppy crush on him, but I pushed it aside to keep from getting hurt. Last semester, we started becoming pretty close friends and my feelings developed even more. Unfortunately, I found out he likes another girl from our group. She politely turned him down, but they still remain friends and he still likes her. Also, last semester another girl joined our Bible study and me and her have gotten really close. Her and my crush went to high school together so they have known each other for four years. She told me she had a crush on him, so I told her I did too since she was being open and honest with me. She was already telling me she was thinking about telling him, so I made sure to let her know I was not telling her this to keep her from telling him and that I would step back since she spoke with me first and has known him longer. She ended up telling him. He let me know, and she let me know afterwards and told me how it went. He had just gotten out of a relationship (it only lasted a month) and said he only thought of her as a friend. Since my crush on him developed, I’ve had to listen to him talk about a girl he liked (the one that turned him down), a different girl (who ended up being his girlfriend for a month), and then my friend. He wanted my opinion, but I didn’t want to give it because she’s my friend, but he’s my crush. The fact that he’s coming to me for advice on his crushes or girls who’s interested in him is a big sign he doesn’t like me like that. Fast forward, earlier this week me, my crush, my friend and another girl went for a walk in the evening to look at the plants on our college campus. My crush showed me some plants and then I went to the swing while my friend and the girl went and looked. My friend came up to me to ask if I was ok because she knows I have anxiety. Since my crush and the girl were distracted out of earshot, my friend spoke to me and said she knows I don’t need permission from her, but she’s okay with me telling him. I had told her before I wouldn’t do that because I didn’t want to hurt our friendship (someone did that to me in the past). She said she has other things to worry about and he only saw her as a friend, so she guaranteed it would be ok and said if I decide to do it, she wishes me luck. I thanked her and said if I ever decided, I would be sure to tell her first to make sure she’s ok with it. Her and the girl had to leave to meet someone, so I was alone with my crush. I wish I could tell him. Our passions go hand-in-hand even though they’re different. I’m a nutrition major who cares about the environment and he’s a biological engineering major who cares about the environment so we use our majors to discuss our same passion. He said he likes talking with me about that because he knows very little on nutrition and I talk more about the biochemistry part of it. I know if I never tell him, I’ll regret it. I’ve never liked anyone this much for this long, but I’m worried about getting friend-zoned. I know we won’t quit being friends, but I like him so much more than that, and can’t shake it no matter how hard I try. I think I might already be friend-zoned, honestly. How do I escape this? He’s not a hugging type of person (including with his crushes), so I can’t really do physical touch.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
If you don't want to come out and say how you feel, you can ask the following but must ask his opinion at the end. 'Since you and I are getting along great as friends, I wonder how well we would do together as more than friends. What do you think?"
The only thing you aren't saying in speaking this,is that you already have feelings which can scare some guys off. Asking what he thinks is important because this is an open ended question, meaning it can't be answered yes or no. If he does have the right chemistry with you, he will jump at the chance if he's been wanting to explore that. If however he does not feel the right kind of chemistry with you, he will say he doesn't feel that way about you. Knowing how you like him romantically can scare a guy from telling the truth as he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. ut rememer we can't have the right chemistry with someone and it has nothing to do with there being chemistry if the person is hot looking. After a divorce, I went out a few times with a guy who looked like a male model ---that hot...and yet we had no chemistry for a couples relationship. He felt that too, so after 2 dates, we gave it up.
Friendship doesn't mean automatically friend zoned. Having a great friendship, even close or best friends is important no matter if a friend or potential mate. One of the foundations for a romantic relationship or marriage to have a chance at being successful, is the friendship part. It thats there, then you only need to check if there is a more than friends feeling on their part. If so, you become a couple, if not, you don't. If at worst case, he knows for sure he is unable to see you romantically, then at least you still are ahead of the single girls who do not have a male friend. At this point, it is always helpful to ask questions of him as a male, dating advice and so on. Also, I need you to understand that being friend zoned doesnt mean you did something wrong to end up there, there truly was no chemistry felt both ways. So if you want to know how to escape a friend zone with a person you have asked the question and know they dont feel the same way, well, thats life and it can't be changed, so nope, there's no way to escape being his friend only. I'd use him as help to find the right guy. He might even be able to spot guys who seem interested and let you know if any are trouble and should be avoided.
]
Sometimes the friend zone is the right zone. Maybe you are destined to be friends or more. Often having a close friendship in the end is better and more meaningful than a relationship that could fall apart and cast out someone from your life that you care about. That's one thing to consider.
I think regardless of how he sees you as friend or potentially more that he as an interest in you and common interests and obviously if he includes you in his life and circle of friends that he wants you to be something to him but what?
You are doing yourself a lot of harm with anxiety and constant needless worry. If you like him you need to corner him and ask privately where do you see me as a friend or potential to be more and that either way you need to know this and get it off your chest so it doesn't consume you.
He may say he prefers to be friends which is okay or consider something more. You just won't know unless you ask. He may nervous as you are and lacking ability to say something too. Being honest even if you might have him say something you don't want to hear is important.
You never know even if he considers you just a friend for now what might develop over time. People change their minds and perceptions of others as they grow together. Close friendships can breed strong relationships later. You never know and cannot achieve a thing without being brave and asking where you stand for now. At the very least you'll know and feel better.
]
More Questions: |