|
Attempting to make a friend by asking to draw them
I’m still in high school and super awkward approaching people. I have no problem having a conversation I just get SUPER nervous trying to approach them. I wanna befriend this person I’ve not really talked to, they sit by themselves during lunch. I’ve went up to talk to them before but got nervous and ended up ranting about something stupid. I wanna go up to them, and im too Nervous and I’m wondering if asking to draw them will Help me make friends with them. Thanks
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I can understand your shyness and hesitation. Its not always that easy to approach a new person. But here's one way to consider: introduce yourself, give your name, and say you are an artist (you are!) Ask permission to take their picture. Tell them that you will use it to make a drawing, and will return both to them after it is done. This will allow the other person to assess whether its "okay" or not, to decide if they're comfortable doing this, and give you a chance to start a friendship.
Many years ago, someone drew me from the back, while sitting in a classroom, at college. (Should have been paying attention to the teacher!) He drew a beautiful sketch of my then very long hair. I wish I had that drawing now!
Good wishes, good luck! ~ Dr. Stephanie
]
Lets see, I am imagining myself as the approachee in HS. If a person I didn't even know walked up and asked if they could draw a picture of me, I would find that very odd. Simply due to weird feelings about it, I'd probably mumble, 'No', You are looking for some kind of gimmick to op3n the ddors to communication. You are kind of on the right track as far as realizing you need something that can help get conversation started and to keep it going.
I happen to know how to teach that since I had social anxiety and the friends I had in school are only the ones who did approach me first. I had to learn this on my own, long before anxiety medicine was in existence. I was even afraid to simply smile at passing people for fear it might get them to stop and start talking to me and I had no skills there and would flounder.
Here's what to try instead. It is hard to start up a conversation with someone who is not talking or listening in on a convo. In this case, with them sitting alone, they are probably as awkward as you feel about starting conversations with a person. That was me, sitting alone. So this person won't be hard on you if you fumble about a bit.
First hint is to look around or think of something that puts you in the same situation and use that to start a conversation. My example is being in the produce aisle, needing to get melon and seeing a woman tapping and listening to melons. I was still learning to do what I am telling you to do. So I asked her what she was doing, even though I basically knew, but I was using this as my excuse to get a conversation started. After she explained I said thank you, that was very helpful and choose my melon. Later she saw me in an aisle near the same packaged food I was looking at. Now that we had talked, I was a cold stranger and it was also easier for her to talk to me. She asked if I used a particular brand that cost more, I did, and then she said she had a coupon for it which really cut the cost and I accepted it. I'd say the majority of basic personality types are friendly, even if not the most outgoing. But there are a very few who don't like being around other people. Its never you but all about them wanting to live like hermits. So don't let fear of a non responsive smiling person make you give up. If you do come across such a person, adjust your approach to say very little, and allow them the space they crave, without trying to befriend them. Its truly about 10% of people who are like this by my best guess.
So what you and the person have in common at that moment is both being in a lunch area and eating lunch. I know its not much but here is where you start. You will do best if making comments and asking only open ended questions. A closed ended question is one that can be answered yes or no because once answered, the convo dies out. So I would simply come up with things like, "Is anyone else expecting to sit here? Then sit and if you're eating something different like sack lunch and they bought lunch, "Hows the hot lunch?" Can they answer with a yes or no, No they cant so this is open ended. Listen well if they speak at all. You are listening for something in their response that you can latch onto and use in next thing you say. A typical teen most likely will shrug and say, 'Its okay". And that is not enough but I hear the work okay, and so I will likely make a statement and then ask a question. Only asking questions without you offering info will feel like an interrogation and people don't like that. A good comment in this example is, "I know what you mean, it might fill the stomach but its not the kind of food, you'd be wanting seconds on." Don't forget to smile, which means you are friendly and approachable yourself. I would then add, "My favorite food is Mexican, what's yours." They will state one or say they don't have a favorite. Now that you've gotten a few responses, its time to introduce yourself. I have never in public with a stranger given my name and asked theirs before a conversation. And quite often if I realize its someone I likely wont ever see again, I never do that part. But here at lunch is a good time. Now that you have chatted a tiny bit, you can look for s something to compliment them on. Complimenting a stranger is never questioned or thought odd. People eat this up as they get very little of it in life. think about the last time someone you don't know complimented you on something. But it must be true about how you feel cus folks can tell if it's insincere. So if I like a necklace, a top, hair, I tell the person. A woman in line behind me had the most beauitful natural tiny ringlets, a head full, and it was so pretty I had to comment on it. She was turned away talking so I even had to tap her on the shoulder (this is before Covid) and told her how pretty I found her hair, and added that my niece had hair like this like til she started straightening it and now it doesnt look so good anymore and I missed seeing that. She was taken off guard but very smiling and happy and thanked me. I even complimented a Mom loading groceries in car in grocery parking lot. I had observed her in the store with her four children and had been able to keep them in line. I compliment her for taking all the kiddos with her as I had done and mentioned she was a great parent as I had observed her interacting with her kids in the store. She was distracted at the time and said thanks but didn't give me more than a quick glance. I'll bet alone that evening she would have recalled it and felt good or smiled about it.
Start listening to others talking and see if they are automatically doing the right thing while talking with others. Most likely the next thing they say has something to do with the answer or comment of the previous person. It would be like hearing a person state they hate name brand items. I know I couldn't understand exactly why they feel that so I would ask, Why do you say that? A possible answer might be 'Because of the pressure it puts on you to fit in with all the students at school. The pressure is wanting to wear name brands but not having the money to do so." In this simple exchange, you've learned they don't actually hate name brands, they hate the fact they cant afford it. If you have ever felt peer pressure, you can comment you know how that goes. Then ask whatever more you'd like to know. I hope this all helps you a bit. Write me again if you get stuck and what both of you basically said and I can let you know if there was anything you missed or could have been done better. I evaluate myself sometimes asking these questions. And often enough I will put myself in the other persons shoes, imagining someone asking me the question to know if it was appropriate or some what uncomfortable to answer. Good luck
]
One thing you have to understand is that those kids you want to befriend aren't any less nervous than you are about meeting people and or cooler or better than you in any way, shape or form. They may just want someone to approach them first rather than coming to other people first and are as shy and feeling as awkward as you.
I think your idea of drawing them is a good one. You can say that you need to draw someone whom you admire as an assignment for your portfolio and ask if you can. Most people would be flattered and start conversing. I doubt anyone would say no.
One of the best things you could do is join student council at school. It forces you to meet with, accept and work as team with people of all background you normally wouldn't anywhere else to achieve goals and really learn who you are and embrace it and them. Drama courses such as improv or a theater club whether it's on stage stuff or back stage also does the same thing. Parks & rec may offer programs for teens and adults that don't cost much to participate in. You just have to go for it. You're certainly on track for it.
]
This sounds like a super brilliant strategy for two super cool people: this other person and YOU!
My one suggestion would be, before you go for it and give it your all, think about it first. Make sure it really feels right, and that you're doing it in the way that is best for you. You could even come up with a plan if that sounds like it could work in your favor. When I had extreme social anxiety I would often write down things I wanted to say to people, even listing off some go-to responses to things they might say. This isn't so much the idea of living from a script forever, but it's something to perhaps give more structure and kind of a safety net in the short term, while you gain some confidence.
Better to build a bridge on a steady foundation.
I'd also suggest, yes, this person seems safe and cool and that's all fine, but if you maybe focused on expanding your horizons with other people even if they're not as cool or exciting, this could improve your general confidence and happiness. It will also prevent you from tunnel-vision, where you focus on that one person too much and worry about whether they like you obsessively.
In my experience, if this person is actually interesting, nice, and fun to be around, they will be happy you approached them and absolutely go with your idea. If they respond in a mean way, then totally they are just being mean, and it has nothing to do with you.
]
More Questions: |