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humorist-workshop
Is it bad that I feel really betrayed?
Back in October of 2019, I was going through a pretty difficult time- my uncle had a wedding coming up and I'd just graduated secondary school (I'm in the UK) and moved into sixth form, which was pretty overwhelming initially, because there was a lot going on at once. I made a new online friend around this time and I really got along well with her and it was just so nice because I have always struggled with friendships and making friends before because hardly anyone took me seriously and people tended to just view me as a joke rather than an actual person- they used to mock me all the time thinking I wouldn't understand and used to make fun of me for having autism- so having this online friendship just felt really special, especially because me and her had some pretty similar experiences with certain stuff with regards to bullying and that sort of things, it felt like we understood each other, and those early days of our friendship just felt really special. Over time, I developed romantic feelings for her (this was back in May when my feelings started to develop) and I was so nervous to ask her out, even though we got along great. In the September, I told her that there was something I wanted to share with her and I kept trying and trying to share it but to no avail. This was difficult because I'd never asked anyone out before, so I was very nervous (I had two major crushes in the past but both of them ended up being horrible people in the end so I'm glad I didn't ask either of them out). Anyway, back to my online friend, we used to send each other blue hearts all the time just to show that we were there for each other if either of us was going through a difficult time, which symbolised a strong friendship. Once I told her I had something to share with her (but before I shared it), she started sending blue hearts more often and kept promising me she wouldn't judge anything about it and that she'd be honest, and she was being really nice about it. I thought she was one of the loveliest people I'd ever come across. I finally shared it on the 3rd January this year, she said no and that she wasn't looking for a relationship right now because she was trying to focus on her education and her mental health. She handled it pretty respectfully at first and promised me it wouldn't change mine and her's friendship. That was all fine, and then 12 days later (so the 15th) after she'd told me earlier that week that she was still busy and still struggling, she let me know that she was going on a date with someone. She may have told a white lie just to avoid hurting me but the fact that she lied to me about it hurts me more. I don't think she realizes how much she means to me as a person- so part of me was jealous, part of me was hurt, part of me was happy for her, and part of me was worried- I was just feeling a whole mixture of emotions. I'm still really upset by it a month on- the rejection in itself was fine, the fact she lied hurts me more. I asked her to explain about it, since she supposedly 'didn't have time' to date anyone just 12 days earlier (if the issue was just distance or just that she specifically wasn't interested in me she could have just said so), and she then told me that from September to December (practically the whole time I was trying to share my feelings with her) she was on dating apps, and that she went back on the apps after I asked her about being in a relationship. That's interesting for someone who supposedly 'wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone'- she just happened to be on dating apps both *just* before and *just* after I asked her out, just not during that timeframe... I don't mind the fact that she wasn't interested, the fact she lied is what hurts me more. Unless she was talking to the guy she went on a date with before I shared my message with her, I don't get why she'd lie- how do you go from being 'too busy' for a relationship, only to have time to go on a date 12 days later? And obviously they would've had to have been speaking to each other for a while before agreeing to a date, so what she's said hasn't added up. And then also, ever since I asked her out, even though she promised me it wouldn't change our friendship, she seems to want nothing to do with me anymore and most of what she says comes across as hurtful, bullying and insulting. Do you think that's because she may have been talking to the gentleman in question already before I asked her out so just tried to cover it up by saying she wasn't looking for any relationships, and using mental health and education as an excuse to turn me down? Now again ,I don't mind that she wasn't interested, but I think after how long it took me to share it and how hard she knew I was trying to share it, I at least deserved the full truth, and I didn't get that. And she's just had a very bad, hostile attitude towards me ever since, and it's bringing back bad memories for me. And also, I noticed that she seems to have grown a lot in self-confidence lately (which is good for her and I'm happy), but she just feels like a different person to the friend I had before and I miss the old one. I miss the shy introverted insecure girl I fell in love with- I remember when I first started talking to her (before any feelings even developed) I always felt like I could connect to her a little bit more because of that, but I feel she's become too easily influenced by others now and it's sad to see what's happened to her. The early days of mine and her's friendship, everything was just so heartfelt and it honestly makes me strangely emotional to see how far she's come but I miss the old her, and I just miss her friendship in general. She's been a different person since I asked her out. Maybe me asking her out is what caused her confidence to increase but the truth is her lack of confidence is what made me fall in love with her in the first place, and I just miss the old her. The nice, shy one, not the rude lying one with a bad attitude. I'm really upset that she lied and it feels like a huge betrayal especially since she promised me she'd be 100% honest with it, and I was trying for months to share it- the least I could have asked for was the full truth and I didn't get the truth, which has really upset me. I wish I could go back to the early days of mine and her's friendship- no romantic feelings there, just genuine admiration for her, just pure friendship, and that's been gone for a while (even before I asked her out) those early days of her friendship were just really special and she means an awful lot to me because she came into my life at a really difficult and overwhelming time, so I'm really upset that she lied to me and that she seems to hate me at the moment. I think it's clear from what I'm typing that I still really care about her feelings; I just wish she cared about mine enough not to lie. Is it bad that I feel so betrayed by her? Honestly, I still love the girl as a friend, but she doesn't seem to want to be friends anymore, and it's just sad to see the change in her as a person. She's just not the same person anymore, and what I worry about is, especially since she's easily influenced by others, that she'll be pressured into doing stuff or thinking a certain way that she doesn't feel comfortable with. I'd like to think that might be what happened here but honestly I think it's the opposite- I think she might have been putting on an act initially and that it's only recently her true colours have come out, but I don't know. Can anyone offer any input on this situation because I'm very upset by it and it's the most painful friendship I've ever lost, especially seeing as I haven't had many friendships over the years and I thought I finally had a true friend, but I guess she was just a more convincing actor than the others. I'll never forget her honestly, but I just miss my old friend, she's just a different person now unfortunately.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Its time to learn about the false persona or fake identity syndrome. Thats what I call it, no idea what the professional name is but its all about when first meeting someone, humans have an inclination to put their best foot forward or make a terrific impression on the person we want to make a good impression on. Another human trait is to be highly critical of ourselves. Another is to hide the truth. And these all come together and give you people who seem so wonderful when you first meet but then seem to change into people who are not like that at all. It sure sounds to me like something like that with this girl. Then you also have the uphill battle of dealing with a relationship only on line which are very limited in being able to truly get to know a person to see if they are someone you could truly enjoy the company of for a friendship, more than friends, maybe a life long love relationship. The only thing you can learn, and I learned, is that you discover how another person thinks, tells stories, a great sense of humor and thats about it. You can't learn if you both will have chemistry because that can only be found by being in each others presence. For example, I met my second husband on line, knew about fake personalities and had gone out with a few guys who turned out to be rotten. But what you can see in person that you dont see online is how a person consistently reacts in situations. No ones like when the unsuspected happens but as an example, I would tell myself, no use crying about spilled mile which I actually say as 'getting worked up, crying or mad will not change the situation, as it has already happened. A lesser person in their frustration will simply lash out with their frustrations on the nearest, closest person they know so often it will be their partner. I got this in first marriage. The second one, not at all. While we both may get irritated at something not going as planned, or other disappointments, we never have attacked each other, or been dishonest in any way. Dumping your frustrations on another and blaming them is the childish way to deal with such situations. There is a better way and my path chooses to look for something I can learn in every situation, even when my ex verbally abused me our entire marriage. When I was ready to leave that marriage, I didn't hide away for fear of meeting another bad guy, I looked for what I had learned. I learned to stand up for myself, make decisions that would best help me in life, and I learned how to spot all the bad behavior in a person from the earliest of clues. The clues were there, but in my naivity, I thought the bad behaviors were just few and random and excused every one, oh he had a hard day, moneys tight so he's irritated.
Going back to the false identity, its something most humans do, I used to when younger, but now I show myself as I am to people. If you like what you see, great. If you don't, you can walk away early on and it won't bother me. It takes a tremendous amount of personal energy to deal with and keep a false identity going. Its more than just remembering what to say if lying, its all in the acting the part. A persons actions, when consistent, show who they really are, good or wrong for you. Someone using a false identity eventually runs out of this energy to keep it up 100% and you will begin to see slip ups that show bits of their real self, oozing out of the cracks in the persona they show you. So, yes, everyone can be fooled in the beginning. But eventually at the point when glimpses of their real self show through, that the point at which you or me, need to evaluate, was that really their real self and not bad, just a surprise, or is it behavior that would hurt a relationship. I will share a story to show you how this is possible. I did online dating site to meet people. I always only met on line but went straight to meeting in person for coffee, a way to sense if there is some chemistry, which can't be picked up because I am talking of that which makes a person attracted to another and often its how similar their own pheromones smell to each other, something we aren't conscious of since its not a scent our noses pick up on consciously, just sub consciously. Other than liking how a person thinks, their sense of humor which are the only things a person can truly pick up on line, even a persons sense of caring about you is just the verbal level, not the doing anything level as could be done in person. I met this guy I'll call Steve, for coffee. It went well so we made another date. We both liked antiques so we made a trip to a town with lots of tourist shops. We had several other dates, out in public, to be safe, by time I figured he was a nice person, he asked me to come to his home for the first time, for dinner. I think because I was willing to meet him for more than one or two dates, he felt I had fallen for him, so subconsciously, he was feeling safe to start being himself and it was a doozy. The moment I walked in the door, he said, "Please excuse the terrible mess my house is in," where I was shocked as it was spotless and well decorated, better than one could hope for in a guy. But he wasn't done as he finished with racial slurs telling me his maid was responsible and was lazy and other stuff. It alarmed me as my ex did the same, talk about others behind their backs, and would say things about you in public and in front of you to others, that was demeaning, disrespectful,and so on. The fact his house could be so clean and he thought it messy showed me he was very anal about everything, he had a higher standard than others could ever reasonably meet, nothing is good enough for him, and he was very critical, racist, etc. I pretended all was well because I knew all too well from my ex how anything one might say that tried to make light of how his home looked or address the racial slurs would only incite him, like fuel poured on a fire and this guy was acting agitated, so I stayed for dinner, went home and never called him back. When he did call, I said I gave it my best shot but I still didnt feel any chemistry, a term that works as explanation to guys whether true or not, because they can relate to lack of chemistry. I did not want to anger him and have him stalk me, trying for revenge. I had one such date, again all well until a movie night at his place. We drove to the video store to pick up movies in his car. I made it plain I didnt want to date someone who smoked as I am allergic in my reactions to smoke plus I didnt want 2nd hand smoke. I saw it as cruel to date, have a guy fall for me and then tell him he had to quit smoking which I knew from family and friends is very hard. He covered up the fact he smoked telling me the stale cigarette odor in vehicle was his son, who drove the car alot. then halfway through our movie watching, he got up, patted himself down,feeling comfortable being home and sure I was so into him I could forgive the fact he smoked that he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and froze in horror at what he had just done out of habit. I confronted him, nicely though, letting him know that this wasn't going to work out between us and he sent hateful phone messages afterward. Having seen yourself fooled by her by what I am guessing in close to a year or slightly over, has me wondering what signs you did not see, or noticed but attributed it to something else. The fake persona doesnt go on forever or long term as it is so exhausting to keep up. Usually it depends how often you are interacting with a person. So if its several times a week, by the end of a month, you'll have witnessed some slip ups. You may not have seen them as such, but it would be different than what you have seen so far. I can not believe that she is the only one who is able to successfully fool people with a fake persona for so long. So go back in memory and see what you can come up with. Until you are able to see the beginning of questionable behavior in the person, you won't be ready for
dating without possibility of being hurt.
She most certainly was lying to you, the time frame in which it all happened shows she switched her story too quickly. Hey that happens in life over and over. It can be a neighbor, co worker, some service provider, cashier, etc. who purposely are keeping the truth from you for whatever their reasons. Females are more emotional in reactions than men, and its possible she thought that telling you she found someone else would hurt too much and make your cry and mope around as a female would. Men can hurt and cry, yes, but I still must say, they have it together better than females who stay stuck in the emotions while a guy is more willing to wade through the emotions and find out if there is anything that could have been done better on either side. You are doing this, reflecting on your experience. You miss who she was earlier. Just think about what aspects those are, the ones you liked, put them in a list to help remind you later. Then you look for someone who seems to have the same qualities. As well, any aspects of a personality, being untruthful, lying and so on, those go on another list of what you are trying to avoid.Remember how the fancy wrapped Christmas presents made you think there was something really special inside and that wasn't always true, it might just be a set of matching hat, scarf and mittens which seem too ordinary for the fancy outside. People you are attracted to are like the fancy packages you see and what little you can pick up on, but there is still who they are on the inside to discover. So even if you are first to reach out to someone, only to find they are not right as they accidentally reveal their real selves, you must keep on searching. You did not make a mistake. The only mistake, which I did make, is in staying with such a person once they have revealed who they really are. There is no win-win if a relationship is such that both people are not willing to admit if they mess up, and a willingness to always be a better person every day, something you learn or do that make you a better person. I was willing to change, my ex was not, still isn't and I have watched 3 relationships he tried afterwards crumble and the women left him. They stayed the longest. Others have stayed a shorter time, long enough to see his real self come through, put up with only a short time, before finally giving up, thus relationships that instead of years, end after 6 months or up to a year.
All this I shared to help you in the future. Now I must share one more thing which you did not mention as a problem as you don't see it as one. I speak from experience since I have used the computer to meet people in the past, especially dating sites. Even though I wanted to avoid 'theater of the mind'. in just a few days of chatting online or phone before meeting in person, my mind began to imagine and fill in the things I had no idea how it would be by acting scenes of us together and how that would seem. But I could tell I was so excited and hopeful with one guy I talked to but totally disappointed when we met in person after a week. He wanted a restaurant instead of coffee shop for first meet. I was appalled at how unhealthy he ate, never cooked for himself, eating out only, and said he had no concern about dieing of heart attack or diabetes or something, saying if it was his time to go, he'd go. But I couldn't feel secure starting a relationship with him when he wasn't concerned enough about his health to make better choices. He was overweight and the chemistry was too weak and there were other disappointments. So this theater of the mind is something we all do even if we are aware of it, as I was. So meeting someone on line whom you've never met in person does not have much success rate. Another reason is that a single person is more likely to meet an interesting person in real life, even if they weren't looking for them. Then in comparing an internet love to the one face to face, the latter wins over as there is way more input from them this way rather than on line where its not a matter of not doing, some things are not possible. For example, how does one feel the hug or kiss? You have to imagine it. A 'hugs to you' with a teddy bear hugging gif, just won't cut it for me. In real life, a good long hug will transfer the feel good hormones needed to keep a person from depression of those hormones.
Lastly, I never had many friends when younger. I don't have Autism so I can't say its the same but either way, I was different in that I had social anxiety then. I don't have now, I had to work at getting over it. I just wasn't interesting for anyone to want to talk to if I wouldn't make eye contact at first, be willing to talk, never laughed. Yes, Autism may be a factor, and I understand there are several kinds. My 2nd husband has a light case of it. It exhibited as a baby, not able to be held by his mother due to the intensity of he feelings he picked up on and those hurt and bothered him. As a child he learned how to deal with his differences and blend into society so no one knows how he started out. I only see it pop up if something is repetitive for too long, then it starts to hurt, such as my playing with his hair or even absently stroking his shoulder while doing something else like read or watch TV. hen all of a sudden he's going 'Ow, ow, that hurts, stop please'. I had a girlfriend in HS who has Aspergers. She was always talking telling me stories, most of which I'd heard before, but instead of telling her she'd already told me that one, I would listen to it again. The once I told her I'd heard her tell me that already, it was as if I said notiinsince I was able to handle that one thing, we were able to be friends and spend lots of time together. So I can't say having Autism scares anyone away. Maybe shallow people will be bugged by that. But there is a chance there is something else you can improve on if in general you have difficulty making friends. If you have any kind of difficulty socially then you may want to hear how I got over my social anxiety and see if what I did, might help you a bit, or not at all, you know yourself best. But if you want to see that, you'd have to ask me to send it, as I have talked long enough here for one time. If you write again, then this time to make a request to me, interact only with me, you'd have to look me up under the search for advice givers and look for dragonfly magic. Once on my site, there is a button to click to write to me. good luck
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