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Disrespecting
Is it ok for my boyfriend of 4 years to call me a fucken bitch I know it’s not all right but what should I do.
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I would NEVER have a relationship with anyone who:
1) Called me such a name!
2) Used such language in the first place.
If this is the kind of person he is, what does it say about you, that you would be with him for over four years?
You asked what you should do? Buy him a thesaurus and kick him to the curb! ~ Dr. Stephanie
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In a fight between couples often anything can come out of a person's mouth including something brought forth by deep resentment or just because it's easy to make a remark that inflicts damage and hurts someone else.
I don't know the guy and whether or not he's a jerk outside of these moments. However, him calling you that really isn't acceptable especially if he's always doing it. That suggests a real problem. If it happened once I'd let it go but all the time forget him and it. Don't stay with someone who doesn't respect you or can't treat you right.
You ought to lay down the law. Tell him that you aren't going to let him get away with him calling you that and that if he can't change that he'll have to learn how to on his own.
There may be a pattern here where he's gotten away with it and thinks he can with you or previous girlfriends. If after 4 years he's being a real pardon the word dick to you than get out now. He won't change and you've seen ample evidence of that fact.
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It really depends, generally speaking no it is not okay. I don't know the situation at all though considering you didn't say anything beyond he called you a fucking bitch. Did you do something awful to him to piss him off? Is he just an asshole for no reason? We don't know. Its okay to say it if the situation calls for it, extreme example like cheating on him certainly would warrant him being allowed to say that. If its for no reason and hes just a dick, then its not okay and hes a dick.
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If it were okay, ALL the humans on this planet would be speaking this way to each other in their own language and it would be taught to children as the way to treat others. So, thats the short answer.
What I find hard to imagine is that he's gone 4 years with you and now is the only time he has done this. I come from an abusive marriage. Anyone hiding their true self, because subconsciously they know they are not nice enough to catch someones interest, will do so until they run out of energy to keep it up which only lasts 5-6 dates, or a month or two depending if you dont see each other often during a month. The more time together, the faster you will see the real person.
So lets say, he is innocent, a good man, wasn't hiding his real self from you, there had to be something extremely stressful that just occurred in his life for him to lose his sweet personality and erupt in anger to say such disrespectful, hurtful stuff. I don't want to make an excuse for him, but what you're looking for is consistent behavior in a man. Be sure you are not making excuses in your mind for the behavior such as I did with "oh he got yelled at on the job, he was let go, the car broke down, his parent died, etc.
I did that all the time. That was a mistake. I can see someone being irritated when theres too much going on. But I warn people I am not in a mood yet to deal with anyone. I would tell my kids this upon coming home and asked them to give me time to get back to my happy self cus I was really stressed right now and if they chose to talk to me right now, I might yell and bite their head off so to speak. They listened and gave me space and I approached them when ready. My 2nd husband never directs anger at me. We do get irritated at times in life but he tries to remain calm as I do, and if he grumbles, its at himself, letting off steam instead of keeping stuff bottled up inside. But every time his voice is more intense, he will apologize to me for simply speaking louder while frustrated in building drones for example. I am not expecting an apology as I didn't feel one was needed, but he could never hurt me. I cried once early in relationship and because he was in love with me, not just like loving some aspects of me which is what most people fall into, loving a person b ut not being in love. Because he's in love, he cares more about my welfare and not wanting to hurt me accidentally or otherwise. He asked if he had done anything to hurt me. He hadn't. And he has never called me anything derogatory, just the opposite. I hear every day him telling me how much he loves me, and compliments of how lucky he is to have me, I'm an exceptionally great wife, and good looking at my age, in fact better than most my age or even younger. I see his eyes light up when he looks at me. I see his willingness to help as my eyes are bad and I've had 4 different appts with specialist to figure out what best to do to make my eyesight better, so any typing mistakes here are due to that most likely, bad eyes.
You are afraid you may not find someone else, if you leave him? Have a talk with him. Let him know his anger and what he called you is not acceptable. and then let him know what is. Such as doing what I did with my kids. Warning you he needed some time alone because he feels his emotions are volatile right now and he wouldnt want to dump on you and be mean and disrespectful.
So you are correct, it is not good behavior. What should matter to you is whether this was due to something bad that just occurred making his temper so touchy or he has done other things that are also bad along the years but you brushed them away as non significant. I will give you one of my experiences. After a divorce, met a guy, went on abut 5 dates in public before going to dinner he cooked at his house. My first time there and the first thing he said as I got in was to please excuse the horrible mess and went on to blame his maid whom he used racial slurs against. He wasn't directing it at me, so I could have excused it away at being nervous at having me there the first time. But I came from an abusive marriage, so I had learned that no matter who it was directed at, if a person exhibited bad behavior and treatment of other people, it wouldn't be long before it was directed at me. So you better be sure you want to stay. Only reason for that for me would be if I was in love with him and it wasn't one way but he also is in love with me and treating me the way a man in love should treat his woman and it certainly is not by calling her a bitch. In my own family growing up, no one called anyone derogatory names. Only one sister jealous that I was engaged, had called me a bitch once. That was it. Never again. But then think about that, it was as a teen, cus I was 20 and getting married. And teens don't have good control of how to treat others, or good decision making until the frontal cortex of brain is finally done and mature at approximately age 25, and thats like me making excuses, which I wasn't at the time, this is decades later where I have known my sister to never call anyone rude names. If theres no love, theres no reason for you to be in that relationship. So I will post in something you can use to gauge just how much he loves you to help you in making your decision to stay or go.
7 Questions to know if he really loves you
1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says “I love you”, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.
How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.
I gathered info from all over the net and organized and put this info with my own clarifications added. So this isn't just what I did but a compilation of many giving the same advice.
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