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My overprotective mother is standing in my way
Hi. I am 22/F. I've been in an abusive relationship for 3 years of which I have a 2y old daughter of whom I have full custody. I broke up with my ex a month ago. I moved back to my mother, but I've started talking to my best friend(also my ex's best friend) and we just clicked. It's difficult to live with my mother because I am not used to it seeing that I lived with my ex for so long. And we also get along better if we don't see each other often. So I want to move in with him, but how do I tell my mom I am moving in with my ex's friend?
My mom is a difficult person and gets offended easily. I am scared to tell her because I do not want to disappoint her, but I really want to move. Please help?
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As a Mom of children 7-10 years older than you, I can understand a Mom being overprotective when you have already gone through a bad experience. All we want is for you to not experience it again.
Funny thing about rules, is that some are hidden ones, like no matter your age, if you go to stay at the parents, it's their house, their rules you must obey as far as house rules. Only some parents will go overboard and try to include your choices for a school, or whom to get in a relationship with as also their right. Although childish, they can tell you if you date someone they don't like and you insist on dating the person anyways , that they will kick you out immediately. Again, it's their house you're living in so yes, they can give that ultimatum, as unfair as it may seem.
A mother has a hard job of waiting for her kids to ask for her advice and opinion and most won't, they will share with their adult kids, exactly what they think the child is doing wrong and what they should be doing. I have had so many times I wanted to tell my kids something and asked if they would like me to share my thoughts on something and they have said no. But recently a child had problems with an insurance company. Stuff she could avoid if she has known about how these things work, the hard way, as I did. But when she asked for help, I explained how the system worked and the fact that no matter who makes the mistake, the Dr/hospital billing or the insurance, the blame will always come back to you, unless you do all these steps and keep calling back every couple days for a few weeks to make sure they have the info correct. Its like you have to do the work of all those others, because the system is faulty and has lots of holes in it.
I am going to share something else with you now, not as a Mom but just something I've learned over the years. Something every human being is wired up to be like, and this concerns the brain and decision making. While most are unaware this situation exists, we at least recognize situations where someone else may have made decisions based on not enough good information and got themselves into trouble. That would be you in an abusive relationship. You may be a very intelligent person hon. I too felt I was,but I wasn't 25 or older yet. The frontal cortex of the brain is the last thing in a person to reach completion in growth. Before that decision making abilities are not so good with using a different part of the brain not meant to do that job. So decisions are just one thing of several that we are handicapped in doing well, until this part of the brain finishes growing. That means that even once an adult at 18, we are still not going to be able to make the best decisions for ourselves. Lots of a persons ability to make good decisions once older is being going through a mistake and then knowing and being able to explain what you learned from it. At 22, you are close enough that perhaps your cortex is complete. But I know from marrying at 20, that I didn't know as much as I thought I did. I had never been faced with dealing with a person who was verbally abusive 24/7. I stayed 30 years before finally leaving him. So in that, you are already ahead of me. Good for you. However if you can't show your mother in conversation that you have indeed learned something by what you share so she's not worried you'll repeat and end up with another bad guy, you will not see Mother giving you her blessing. I understand finances being tight and not having a place to live. After leaving my ex, I stayed with friends for a bit out of state, but came back when a grandchild was born. Stayed with family until they had to move and a guy I had met, I ended up moving in with, and he ended up as bad as my ex. This time however, instead of putting up with it, I told him the behavior was unacceptable. In retaliation he found another place and left me without notice holding the apt. for myself. This was my test of whether I had really learned my lesson after leaving my ex. Would I let him get away with the same behavior? I did not. I hope you see this from outside yourself, how others would view this. Other than leaving for self protection/preservation, there should also be something else you take with you, a knowledge of what clues a person like your ex gives, so you can break up immediately the first you notice it. I did internet dating to meet my 2nd husband.
In life, you will learn to understand why a person may act or react a certain way by placing yourself in their shoes. Then you might gain understanding of why they react as they do. And knowing its out of care for you, not trying to hurt but protect, as warped as it is considering you are an adult, it is what it is. This kind of stuff, as far as interacting with any human are things you will encounter quite often in life so best to learn how to imagine with your mind how to see yourself from the others point of view. This helps to not be angry with a person but understanding. You also learn to keep your ground if you feel thats best, without shoving it down someones throat. And if they yell at you trying to start a fight, it wont go anywhere if you don't join in, but remain calm.
I also understand not having a place to live. In my case, both parents though divorced were dead and I couldn't run home to parents. I was learning this all in my forties. It's hard for someone to know when to give up and some see it as admitting you made a mistake to leave almost everyone has a hard time admitting they did not make a good decision.
This will make my answer longer but a few things to help you know in future when to bug out if things go wrong again. First, all couple relationships are more successful if they have two things as the foundation: being each others best friend, and being each others sexual equal, meaning they see pretty much eye to eye on all that each wants to do. Most married couple for example have one or the other but not both. The results are those with matching sexual likes will have the hottest sex but outside of the bedroom, fight, disrespect and may be become abusive. Or they are the best of friends but what excitement they had when they met, New relationship energy, soon dissipates and becomes the feelings you'll truly have with the person the rest of your life. When meeting someone in the capacity of a relationship, its more than seeing the same barista every day, thats knowing their name but not all the stuff on who they are inside. So if only best friends and sex wasnt good or not at all, then one or both partners may want to get their satisfaction sexually outside the relationship and wouldnt dream of leaving their best friend but they break up when one or both are hurt over the partner having an affair.
Then there is the false persona to speak of. Many people do this, only a few dont. I used to when young but now I am myself. When meeting a person, people unwittingly with the subconscious create a persona that they feel will better impress you. Its not a conscious thought but we all do this. Some who are aware of this can benefit from knowing as I did. At first, I don't suspect anyone and treat all as if they are telling me the truth and acting as they say they are. But keeping up the false persona is hard, takes make energy even if you aren't aware you are doing it. Thats why after lets say 5 to 6 times meeting each other, parts of the real self start to slip out the cracks so to speak. After my divorce, while meeting guys before I met my sweet dear 2nd husband, I met some great guys, but there was no chemistry, I met guys I thought were good but after about 5 to 6 dates, they were so comfortable with me they showed their true selves to me, lied to me and as soon as I saw this, I knew it would be just a short time before the bad behavior they were doing would be targeted at me rather than some other hapless stranger. Ilearned from my ex what it looks like, those clues I had excused away in my mind. I wish now I'd had people like me telling me all of this when I was younger as I might not have married him, or left him a lot sooner. By the way, even if a child is unharmed physically, and not the target emotionally, how a man treats their mother is important and will affect their adult lives. So i have a child who divorced a great guy, only to marry a guy whose Dad is a psychopath, and he is exhibiting behavior himself all his life of a sociopath. I got this from his own Mom. Another was too fearful of Dads booming voice and yelling so she won't marry, doesn't want kids, and choose a bf who is very quiet, soft spoken and lets her do as she wishes and is easily talked into doing what she wants to keep the peace. Its like he's just another pet for her. So keep in mind if there is anything bad in the new relationship, don't let it go on and on, as it will affect your child, even as a toddler and preschool. They still pick up on things because children are watching and trying to copy parents. Some children become as abusive to Mom as Dad as because its all they know and think it is normal behavior. You can't make decisions based only on yourself any more. Have a good talk with Mom. Any suggestions you hate, just state you'll think about it, that avoids arguments. And if you aren't get ting good advice or understanding from Mom, think of another adult you're comfortable with and its a bonus if they know you well. Best wishes.
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hey! I understand times like this can be hard, but you need to understand. You are 22, your not exactly 9 anymore. Maybe just talk to her? After all, you are her child and her job as a parent is to be approachable. I don't know her personally but just talk. Explain you will visit, then tell her the reasoning and that you think you're ready to move on in life. You are in your golden years at the moment, you only get 1 life so just talk. If she says no she is obviously toxic, at the end of the day your parents should only do what's best <3
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This sounds like a horrible mistake that is about to be made. I wouldn't move in with him especially if he is friends with your ex. That situation will forever rear its head.
You may not like your mother's ways but she knows what isn't right and what you have to steer clear of so your daughter benefits and comes first. She may get offended easily but it's not a good idea to hide things because she will find out and it will be worse.
You describe her as "difficult" but it could be that she decides against something you are doing because of her life experience. She has to push back at you sometimes to get her point across.
You may be 22-years-old but there is a lot you don't know about surviving, men and parenting that she does. I think living with her is a good idea while repairing your life and learning how to move on. Remember your daughter comes first and introducing a new man into her life and one that is your ex's nest friend may be a bad idea.
I see this as ending badly and likely with you having to move back out to your mother's place. There's nothing saying you can't date someone but living with them is a whole other ball game with obligations as well as financial issues that can set you way back. I would advise not to do it.
Discuss this with your mom but I think you'll come to the decision it's not right for you. If you have any reason or gut feeling that it isn't a good choice know that you are right.
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