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The girl I like is awful at texting (and more about our troubles)
(there is a backstory to the long question read at your own risk)
Okay hello! So there is this girl that I have a crush on and I have been slowly moving on since she does not like me back. She is the first person that I have ever told that I have a crush on. Usually, I keep it to myself. She never outright said she doesn't like me like that but when I told her she said it was brave for me to tell her and that was it. I'm a lot more candid with her than I have ever been with my past crushes and we are really good friends. The only thing is though that we don't see each other in class anymore because of COVID and that was mainly how we hung out. So now I have to rely on texting and let me tell you she is AWFUL at texting. She takes days to respond and it is really annoying because it's not like she is even away from her phone because she is on social media all the time but she never leaves me on "read" or "seen" she just doesn't see the message. ...I try not to be mad at her personally because she has told me that she is bad at texting and that it overwhelms her (she is pretty popular and has a lot of friends texting her). When I do text her I try to keep in mind that she does care about me even it takes her forever to respond.
If this was any of my other friends I really would not care let alone even remember that I texted them. I just overthink when it comes to her and it sucks. My mind is controlled by thoughts of her not texting me back and why she isn't. Like my irrational thoughts will say that she sees the notification for my message and rolls her eyes or she gets angry. I even find myself checking to see if she texted me when I know she didn't. A lot of this comes from insecurity that I'm trying to work on. She never leaves me on "read" or "seen" she just doesn't see the message.
Now when it comes to me texting her I really try not to text her that often because I don't want to overwhelm her and I find myself un-sending so many messages because I'm afraid of what she will think and I feel like a loser every time haha. I try to take days off from texting her but I always give in and say something. I have now left her on "seen" and I feel awful...but I don't know what to say. The thing is I would understand if my message is hidden within a bunch of other messages but the thing is that she doesn't check to see if I texted her and that hurts.
I know this isn't good for me but I don't want to break off our friendship because I know I would be miserable. In the past when I broke off friendships with toxic people and I still felt awful. This girl is a great person and I'm not blinded by my crush on her she has flaws obviously but it's not like she ignores me or anything. When she does respond to my text she is so kind and we laugh and it's great but then it's dead again. Maybe I'm inpatient I know I can be and I'm trying to stress that the problem is not with her completely but me and my thoughts. I just wish they could end and I could stop having a crush on her it is honestly annoing. What should I do?
**Don't read this part if you don't want to know my gender**
I'm a girl I just feel like that might change some people's perspective....kinda sadly
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I was sure you were a female before I got to the end of story. It doesn't matter the sex because when it comes to sexual attraction, the same issues and problems are there no matter what the sex.
I will start with responses to things you said from the beginning and so forth, to cover all I wish to respond to without forgetting. You stated "since she does not like me back . . ." and so I see you understand she is not going to respond the way you wished. So if a person doesn't like you, lets say anyone in school you want to be a friend with, this means no sexual attraction. If you force yourself on some one who just doesn't feel any camaraderie with you, any things in common, do you believe that continueing to trying reaching them, (pestering them) is going to change how they feel about you? It seems so by what you wrote unless I totally misunderstood.
Next, you told her outright that you had a crush on her. She was likely taught growing up to have good manners and not say anything that could hurt another person so she said the only constructive thing she could think to say since she wasn't interested in you that way, that it was brave of you to tell her. Believe me, with teens and college age, if someone told you they liked you and you had a secret crush back on them, a person will grab at the chance to start dating without having to ask and be rejected. No favorable response means she is not interested in you.
I like turning stories on people,(putting yourself in the other persons shoes/life so to speak) a good way to understand what it is like to be the other person.
So lets say some girl you are not attracted to as a friend or more, comes up to you and asks you out. You have no reason to hate her, but you don't like her either, not enough to want to spend any more time than you have to, with her. So being in class together, taking in hallways is probably the limit for you. You don't want to be too friendly for fear it might encourage this girl to want more from you than you are willing to give. Would you eagerly be awaiting every text from her. Would you choose to spend your time answering all her contacts, in person, calls or text, treating her with exactly the same interest you have for your friends? You might be the only one different if you are like that. Generally, most people would not answer, let alone read any texts. Can you now see why she is not responding to your texts. She may occasionally because she was taught to be kind to all. But being kind does not automatically mean she is gay or bi and into you. You say you get mad sometimes but remember she said she's no good at texting. That may be true, or she does it in spurts, good for one or two days and then nothing with everyone she knows. But since she made it clear to you, I am thinking its possible she was already giving you a plausible excuse ahead of time for why she would not be answering your texts. And it probably wasn't the real reason, another thing people do to avoid hurting someone. So in my eyes, the issue is not about her being awful at texting but the real issue is that she is not interested.
Believe me, I feel for people who are attracted to the same sex. It is a natural occurence in nature that farmers have witnessed in the animals they raise, where some are attracted to the same sex, which means there will be no enlarging of the herd or flock or whatever group of animals. So there is nothing wrong with you being attracted this way. But it sure it harder to gain just a friend who knows you are gay, and may avoid you because she believes you are after her due to sexual interest only or you are interested and can't tell for sure someone is gay or bi and how do you go about finding out from them or confessing your interest or asking on a date. Twice in my life as a straight person I have had two different women approach me, thinking they read something that told them I was into women. They read me wrong but I thanked them for their interest and let them know I was straight and into men.
I know what you mean about not caring if others respond to your texts or calls as much as the person who is the object of your desire. If you believe she is a true friend and not just an acquaintence/classmate from school, and you can be happy with things as they are, then there is nothing to be done. But you did state: "I'm trying to stress that the problem is not with her completely but me and my thoughts". This is very mature of you because it is hard for any adult even to say theres a chance they may have something wrong or be part of a problem. Maybe this last part will make sense. I call it theater of the mind. Basically, the majority of this so called friendship is gone over in your mind, replayed with the way you wished it had gone, so in essense, changing how things are in real life to reflect your wants and desires. This kind of thinking is what produces the 'crush'. Your mind is the stage and she is your chosen actress on that stage, and you write the script in your mind of how you'd like to see it go, what she will say, etc. Perhaps your theater of the mind isn't as involved but what they all have in common is that the one sought after is not willingly participating in your mind. They are a real person and they are out there, but they are not in your mind. Your mind recreates and embellishes everything so it seems in your favor. I had done my share of daydreaming about guys when I was younger. It never amounted to anything with a single one because the person in my mind who was equally interested in me, was not right for me or did not return the interest in real life.
Now here at the end you wish you could stop thinking about her, stop having a crush and you are in luck because there actually is a way. I used it myself after a divorce when first guy I met was separated from wife and by time we both fell in love, she came back finally wanting to go to counseling and make it work. He was torn up and cried but decided on going back due to the children and years together. So here is how it works. You have to first realize that you have a conscious/awake mind and a subconscious mind (SM) and that the SM is in charge while you sleep but during the day, it takes in everything you see, do and think. It then evaluates what to its thinking is most important to you. Its reasoning seems to be that of a child. So the SM assumes the thing or person you think most about is what pleases you and it wants to make you happy so it will do anything to give you that including urging you to do something that may well jeopardize the very happiness it thinks its giving you. To me, my SM feels almost like another person inside me, resisting or fighting me on issues it is scared of, but things that my conscious mind is not People who have this issue end up fighting themselves and constantly doing the very things they don't want to do. In the case of love or a crush, the SM kept giving me thoughts of that man which made the torture and the pain more real, going on and on. So I had to take control of the SM. First get its attention by taking over something it is assigned to do like the automatic blinking of our eyes or taking our next breath. This is why you often read about people learning breathing exercises for meditation. So take deep breaths, hold, then release slowly. After a couple times, talk to it your SM, inside your mind instead of out loud. You tell it that yes, you had a crush on so and so, but they did not return the same interest. You want your SM to stop thinking about her and bringing up those thoughts because you have given up and its painful to think of, or customize your words but it must have the command to stop bringing up thoughts of her. This won't make you have amnesia, the only way to forgot a person other than alzheimers, but once healed, any thought that may come up due to a shared memory, will not have the heartache or hurt feelings attached. I even gave my SM a name as it made it easier for me to carry this out. My first two days, my SM promptly forgot and brought up thoughts of him every 5 minutes. Just say the command again as I did, reminding your SM. But days end, I was emotionally exhausted from having to remind my SM so many times, many times each hour. The next day, bad also but a little less, a couple of days later, a little success and by the end of a week or two, it was gone. It may take longer or shorter for different people but the catch is, you have to be on your toes and speak these reminders to your mind (SM) because you are actually breaking a habit of your SM's. Trust me, it works or I wouldn't bother to share it here. Let me know how It goes for you.
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