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I think I'm in love with my college roommate
My roommate (F/20) and I (F/20) have been friends with benefits since we began college two years ago. This arrangement started because we were both a couple of dateless losers in high school. Neither of us had ever had sex and were curious, so we decided to experiment.
From the beginning, we agreed this was just for fun and that we weren't a couple or anything. We both agreed that if a guy ever asks one of us out, then that person should feel free to accept.
Now, I don't consider myself to be gay or even bi. My roommate doesn't either. So when she recently got asked out and said yes, I was surprised by my reaction. I felt heartbroken. Course, I didn't say anything because of our deal, but I realize now that I don't want her getting physical with anyone but me.
In short, I think I'm in love with my roommate. I'm scared to say anything though, as I don't think she feels the same way. I'm afraid it might screw up our friendship if I do. I'm so confused. I never expected to feel this way about her. Should I say something or should I try and be happy for her now that she has a guy?
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I never dated in High school and never considered myself a loser. I just hadn't met a young man who was interested and was mature enough for me. So the rest of the reasons you give for thinking you are in love may well not be true.
I will start at the beginning and rewrite from another perspective to help you decide for yourself whether you are in love or it is something else.
See, you don't get to choose your gender or sexuality, what you are is what you are and if you were gay, meaning attracted sexually to the same sex, you would know it. You would feel the flutters and excitement within when you look at females, and it doesn't have to be just her. This is the short way to realize whether you are gay or not. Then there is Bi sexuality or being transgender which can effect how one finds a love or sex partner. You have identified in your note as female so you are not transgender.
I don't know where you got the idea you were losers simply because you didn't feel you fit the norm. I never did either. So you believe that having sex while still in HS means something? No it doesn't. Its quite common for people who haven't had sex yet have it with the same sex for the beginning, even as teens. It is safer for females, they can't get pregnant. Since you dont consider yourself gay or bi, it must be another event that has you thinking you must be in love romantically with her. So as far as I can determine, you didn't have these doubtful feelings of heartbreak before she went on a date with a guy. You equated these feelings that were so oddly different for you to mean you were hurting because you were in love. Okay lets say you are in love. Did you know there are different kinds of love? Sure you do, like how your parents love you and you them, or your siblings and extended family.I will attach an article for you to read about the different types of love. I believe you will see the first, Eros and believe that is what you feel. I suggest you make it a point to also read number 5, Ludus which is mistaken for Eros.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Now about what you felt, you describe as feeling heart broken. In some cases, what makes a person feel heart broken is because they actually felt jealous and that is what I need to mention in case you believe it applies to you. I learned that jealousy is a fear, and fear is a strong emotion. Now I know you won't see fear as a compatible work=d to describe what you felt. Maybe it wasn't fear. But the specific fear of jealousy is experiencing a loss of something or someone. It can be the fear of losing favor in social standings, fear of loss of income, for examples or the fear of losing a person. I hadnt realized before that it is possible until a few people older than me told me. Think of it, until now it was just you and her for companionship, friends, sex partners not to mention being room mates. It is possible that the ache your heart felt was due to the emotion of fear of loss or jealousy. Perhaps you feel like if your friend got real interested in the man, maybe even met and married someone someday, that your whole world would fall apart, you'd be alone for rest of your life, etc... and whatever other possible problems we imagine in our futures. We don't know. You don't know. But since you are not gay as far as you have told me, it is going to happen. She will meet and marry and have kids with someone.Even if she is gay, you are not, it still couldn't work for the same reasons many hetero marriages don't work, they were only lovers, or only friends but not both. Both qualities need to be present for a relationship, a much wanted romantic one, to work.
If you don't understand and need more examples on this, let me know, and I will explain. So now you have to decide whether you are truly gay or not based on what I've shared and whether what you have an eros love with her and her with you or whether it's ludus love. Also you must decide wether you are feeling left out or that in some way you will lose her, a fear of being alone. then why if you decide you are fearful, are you afraid? I used to feel like this for a while. In me, it was not having been asked out on a date, I had a lack of self confidence, and I had social anxiety, all things that never stayed on, but stuff I worked on, working on first me but learning how to lose the social anxiety and understanding that due to my distorted thinking at the time, I was the one causing my issues. I then tackled self confidence. At my 40th HS reunion a couple years back, I was shocked that most the people who I thought were well put together, confident, out going in HS, were nothing like that as adults. Everyone was standing with one friend, afraid to walk up and talk to others. I was the social butterfly, making sure I left not one person out but I had to approach everyone. There were a few social butterflies, one I remember as such from grade school but the others, I was dissappointed for them that they never grew as people beyond the point of graduating HS. Don't let that be you. Work on yourself and your self confidence like I did. If you want to know details how to go through it successfully, just ask and I will share what I did. I truly didn't think the solutions were as simple as they were but it was fear before that which held me back. The fear flees as soon as you experience some success and as long as you don't dwell on negative thoughts thereafter, you should get to a place where you have a more wonderful life than you imagined.
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