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How am I suppose to behave around my ex?
M/24 so I met this girl last year in university,we became friends. By January I asked her out and we dated for a couple of months (3month). But because of covid my school was closed and I traveled back home as I'm living in another city. so I could only communicate with her through social, call and text....sometimes around June she messaged me to breakup, telling me to never call or text her again (I was deeply crush,because I really loved this girl,but I can't blame her because I was needy in the relationship, super nice to her and i lacked confidence in myself) I've not contacted her since then... I've been working on myself improving myself and healing.
But everything is about to change because my school is resuming next week and I'll be seeing her everyday,I just don't know how to be myself around her.. I thought I've moved on but the thoughts of seeing her(everyday) brings back pains I thought I had healed from..
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The thing to remember in relationships of any kind, even broken up ones, is to be yourself. If being yourself is not good enough for a potential partner, then the relationship isn't meant to be. Yes, even the best matched couples can have disagreements but instead of yelling and pointing the finger, there is still love underlying that and so the couple comes to a compromise if that's possible and life moves on. In trying to impress someone, we want to hide our imperfections, feel our shortcomings will turn someone off, or we know what they like, something we're not but we fake it and so the false identity is born. If a person falls for it and due to how hard it is to fake being something else for too long, the person goes back to being their true self and a partner is shocked and then leaves you. This is my awkward version of sharing what I read in a book by a psychologist long ago, of how people create a facade to hide behind, becoming essentially a fake person. Not saying you have done that. But the lesson in all this is why it is important to be yourself. If someone falls for you when you are acting fake, then most likely they won't like the difference when you tire and fall back into your own patterns. I met my 2nd husband on line and before meeting him met at least or dated a few guys. Most were hiding things I warned in my profile I wouldn''t put up with. By the third date, they figured they had hooked me, I was in love with them so it won't matter to now show me their real self as I would love them no matter what. Haha, my first husband was verbally abusive and I wasnt going back to that. If you have no idea what your true self is, spend some time figureing that out. But I think you've got that handled with knowing your confidence must be boosted. I once read an article in a women magazine how to gain confidence. I know it would work for men too. I tried it and was shocked when it worked much better than I thought it might. If you want that info or need it, let me know and I will paste in that document. When there is a break up, the one breaking up has no emotional issues over it but the one blindsided by it, will have the pain to deal with. How quickly you heal from that depends on your brain and your thoughts. We tend to think upon that which we can not have and each time we think again thoughts of a person we can't have, its like torturing ourselves, bringing up constantly the feelings of loss. As you stated, moving back home meant you werent near her so you did not have to worry about seeing her everyday and knowing you can't have her. So now knowing youll see her, you worry and that worry perpetuates more thoughts of her, just snowballing those awful feelings. Now heres the most helpful part. Everyone has a subconscious mind and in many ways that subconscious mind is always there in the background whether you are awake or ssleep and I will explain how ones subcon mind, SM, is causing trouble
for you. Duties of the SM for example are regulating things we don't have to focus our attention on like blinking our eyes and taking our next breath. Another little known fact is that the SM wants to please you so whatever you are focusing your attention on, the SM will think means it is important to you. It didn't get the message that she split up with you. SM's are quite often like little kids, not understanding some things as an adult might. So every time a worry of her or thought of her comes to mind, you need to stop and either verbally tell yourself or internally think the thought that she split up with you and that is over and you do not want to receive thoughts of her anymore. As soon as you say that, within a minute or minutes, it will come back. You repeat the instruction. I gave my SM a name for the purpose it would know I was speaking directly to it. The first day or two are the worst in having to bear the SM constantly barraging you with thoughts. Yeah, I used this too when a guy I'd fallen for, and him for me (before meeting current husband) broke up with me because he was legally separated close to a year, the wife changed her mind wanting marriage counseling instead of divorce and because of the years and children together, he went back to her. I used this to get over the hurt. It doesn't stop thoughts in the future from coming every once in a while. But what happens is the emotional pain will stop. Even worked with my ex husband. He had mistreated him and I only left him because God gave me two choices, leave or stay but if I stay, the stress I had endured for almost 30 years would kill me in a handful of years. I left and am happier and healthier than before. bUT I hate giving up on anything or people so in my case, though I chose to leave, I still had to deal with the thoughts. I can see that ex at family functions like grand kids birthdays and not feel anything bad. When he reminisces about something during our marriage that he thinks was great, he'll say, remember such and such and I just smile and say yes but all my memories of him were not the rosy normal stuff he is delusional in remembering. But to me, it is just a fact of our history, without the pain that goes along because I have been loved unconditionally by my second husband who is with me at these events. It is also easier when you have a new love but it is best to deal with your SM bringing up the memory.
I forget to tell you that when you watch a movie that makes you said, angry ect.... although you know its a script and actors, you still get upset. This is because your SM is aware of the movie, watching it with you and then makes you react based on what you are seeing. So your SM is only trying to please you by bring up thoughts of her and how you need to act around her.
As said by the last advice giver, don't linger but don't act cold and ignore her either. You might try the nod hello in her direction or just a smile and quick glance at her and away again as you continue to pass her by. Small talk is not good because her last instruction was for you to not communicate with her, as texting and calls are talking which is communicating. Asking how she or her family is, she will be thinking its non of your business anyways anymore. If she for some odd reason cozies up to you again and wants to pick up where you both left off, I wouldnt be too quick to do so if I were you. She didn't have the guts to speak to you over the phone, or explain why she broke up. It's probably something she didnt like but thats ok because the right person will see the shortcomings but if they weren't big things that could hurt a relationship, it won't aggravate the right partner. Sure both I and hubby have things that may frustrate us at times but they are little things and don't change our love for each other. Unconditional love is the kind that nothing that happens will change the love for that person on the inside. Our outsides change as we age for example or a person could be disfigured in an accident but those things do not change who they are on the inside. too many today fall for just the outside or lets say the pretty wrapped Christmas package. But when you look inside, all money went to the wrapping so there is nothing much inside of worth. People are like that. So it is important to have a partner who is as into you as you are them. Unfortunately sometimes one person is attracted while the other isn't. This is what needs to be determined by spending time together. Dating is the step after physical attraction to see if this person can meet your needs and wants and if you can meet hers. Maybe she can meet all your needs but you can't meet all of hers. And people keep this quiet when it should be one of the first things discussed when searching for a partner. So in my profile was a list of what I needed and wanted. A need is a must have, non negotional. Example: she knows she wants kids someday. He comes from a large family and hated it and has vowed to never have kids. You need to know this before going long term with a possible partner. Once you have dated enough to know you like the person well enough, then you become exclusive together, gf,bf. If you discover deeper things now about beliefs, morals etc. . . and its something you won't put up with, then you part, but if all is good, you start to live together. Even during this phase, something can come up that you wouldn't have seen going out on dates, like how one keeps house, and how they budget money. If you discover the person spends all they have splurging on themselves and at end of month have to borrow money to pay bills, that alone will tear up a relationship ending in a split up. Its a big thing how you personally think of dating. Its a social thing and status thing for most people. Few use it to get to really know a person. I had to go through that after a divorce, there were a few guys I dated and after so many dates, I finally saw traits and things I did not like at all. Hope this all helps you.
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I don't think there is anything to improve really. None of this is your fault. It may be Covid-19 but who the hell dumps somebody via text message? That's pretty cold and cowardly actually. At least call. We also don't know why she suddenly wanted to break up and have you never call again.
The problem is you had a 3 month relationship that turned into something that is NOT a relationship and where you had no interaction and couldn't develop anything real due to COVID. You really didn't know one another all that well in the 3 months you had. For whatever reason she's not interested anymore.
In this case what I would do is go about business as usual or at least put on that front and if you run into her be cordial. Don't stop long and or engage with her. You can expect that she will do the same. Focus on friends and other people who really like you and give them the time you would have given her.
Go about meeting new people and if they have student government or clubs join some. Over time as you go about your business you'll forget about her and will find someone who you genuinely love and click with.
I honestly wouldn't worry about or give a shred of thought or time to someone who got really nasty with me in text messages and breaking it off telling you not to call. Let this be her mistake. You deserve better and will find it. Like I said, if you see her be nice but beyond that put all your energy into your friends and other people. Eventually she will be a footnote.
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