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humorist-workshop
How to stop liking someone you’re friends with?
So I met this person at my college last year from a small Bible study group we have on campus. I met the group during my second semester and have been participating with them since then. One of the members I found admirable because of his high level or intelligence both on religious topics as well as other topics in general. I don’t have a vehicle, so two of the members would rotate giving me rides to church since we all lived in the same general area. One of them moved, so this year it had just been one person taking me. I live in the dorms now, so our dorms are right beside each other, so no one has to pick me up or anything. The whole time I had thought he had a crush on this one girl in our group and I found out I was right, but she had turned him down. I hate to admit it, but I’ve started liking this guy and I’m trying not to. I’m like 2 1/2 years older than him and a lot of guys don’t like older girls. Not to mention he likes someone I’m friends with. I’m pretty sure these feelings are one-sided, but I need some advice on how to avoid having them develop anymore? I don’t catch feelings too easily, but with my anxiety and ocd I know that this’ll just end in disaster. This person has become a pretty close friend of mine and I don’t want my feelings to mess up anything
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
There are people who will always be attracted to someone who doesn't feel the same way back. As a female, I had many males attracted to me but only maybe a handful I liked enough to have a friends with benefits thing with, although I was hoping to find that one with whom it wasn't just a benefit with a friend but a friend where both of us were also sexually attracted to. I have met plenty really hot looking guys yet felt nothing because the chemistry just wasn't there. You already like a few traits of his. So you admire him naturally as any person would on finding good traits in a person they know. When single though, we all tend to, (I did this when young a single) examine closely every possible single person we know to see if they might like us enough to have a relationship and then, hopefully fall fully in love and marry. It seems to be the wish and hope of most young women, but the harder we try, the worse it can get sometimes. I basically married the first guy who showed me attention, he was active in his church. He fooled my parents and me and friends. After marriage, a month or two later he began to mistreat me, verbally abusive and yet I stayed for almost 30 years due to children and that was my second mistake. So take your time, don't worry or feel pressure. Just be a good friend and find reasons for him to spend time with you as a friend. As already stated, if he is secretly interested and too scared to ask you, your invite is something he'll jump to take a chance on. That is how males are like. I don't know of any who ever turned down an invite from a female they liked. Once you've spent some time other than bible study doing coffee, taking walks, just hanging out as friends, you can ask the following which works on the same principle of example already given. You simply say, "We've been doing great together as friends. It makes me wonder if we would do just as great as more than friends. What do you think? Pay attention here that you verified the friendship, you are not stating your interest in him, but just wondering, and most important for this to work, you are asking his opinion. If he is not feeling that kind of chemistry with you, he'll be quick to let you know he only sees you as a friend. If he is interested but too scared to find out, or perhaps the body language or whatever he picks up from you has him believing you are not at all interested, then he will jump at the chance without having to initially reveal how he feels. All of this is to avoid being rejected and a person feels more free to let you know theres no chemistry without fear of hurting feelings, even if you may be real disappointed by what you hear. I guess I had a poker face growing up and guys couldn't pick up any clues that I was interested. My second husband met me on a dating site and he said that my face does not reveal who I truly am. He didn't think I would write him back either. But we are working on 12 years together.
I also want to mention that there are two things vital to a strong foundation for a couple relationship. One is being best of friends and the other is sexual compatibility. So don't think of the friendship part as insignificant, because that is where it should start. A good majority of marriages ending in divorce are because only one of the two parts of the foundation were present in their relationship.
As to men not liking older women, I think the following will shock you. At the time I was on a dating sight, close to age 50, I had a couple of 18 and 20 year olds write to me, interested. I turned them down, because the age gap was too big. I had already had a friend with benefits relationship with a guy who was 27 after I divorced and although he was nice, I found there was no meeting of minds, the generation gap too big and I couldnt take him seriously for anything more. I moved and never saw him again but he marrieed, a woman my age. He was interested in older w omen. Then the man I married, told me when he was a busboy in a restaurant at 18 and into his early twenties, many older women liked what they saw in him, how he treated female customers and they would invite him and he did get into relationships not because he was asked but because he was interested in older women. He can't help it, he was born that way, and couldnt be interested in younger women the same way. However, afraid of aids or std's, he later decide to marry, someone younger and later, they parted as friends. Then he met me. I am only a year older than him but in my case, we both were perfect for each other and the age gap being smaller didn't matter. However I know he still likes the look of older women, asked me to let my hair go grey/silver and points out older women and says, I love how older women look. No meant to hurt me, I also tell him, but he usually guesses and says, I think you find that guy attractive. If you are more acquaintance and not a close friend with the girl, you need say nothing. If you are closer and have spent time together doing stuff, having a friendship, then you may want to tell her how you are feeling and find out if she has feelings for the guy or not.
Don't worry if he dates her. If they are perfect for each other, it will work, they stay together. If he feels she isn't right for him, he will be ready to turn to anyone else. He may have no clue what he is looking for in a female, many aren't. I didn't know until the second time around and actually had a list of criteria I posted that the guy had to meet to even write to me. But when we are younger, we don't think it out in detail as to what we need and want in a partner. Lets say he does date you and though nice, you end up not feeling that same draw to him as you first felt. That would be normal. People can feel excitement over something new, like Christmas's ago you got the toy you wanted. You played all the time in the beginning but later, it no longer interested you.k When refering to people, its called New Relationship energy or NRE. This NRE can feel as strong as some of the feelings of love and attraction and chemistry but it wears off in time, usually only takes a month or so. If it happens, you didn't do anything wrong, you both were wrong for each other, no matter how perfect as people you both are separately.
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Trying to stop liking someone you are attracted toand have a connection with is futile. All it does is torment you. A 2.5 year age gap doesn't matter because it's all about maturity. Where did you hear guys don't like older girls? That's false.
Your real problem is actually the friend who likes him. You're going to have to have an awkward but honest discussion with her. Mention that you haven't seen signs he likes either of you and have noticed him with someone else.
Put it out there that you haven't acted on any of your feelings so as not to hurt her but think there's a connection there he hasn't with anyone else. You really have to consider who is more important the guy or her? The feelings you may have for him may be unrequited but you should find out so you can move om if needed.
You can mention to the friend that one reason you never act with guys isyour anxiety disorder and OCD and them finding out and treating you badly. These disorders provided you are getting treatment for them need not lead to disaster. The right persom will have empathy and compassion and will like you for who you are. It's very important this person be able to.
Instead of asking this person out I would ask him for coffee or invite to a party. If he likes you he will move mountains to go and if not will turn you down. This is almost always a guage to determine if there's anything there. If there is things will continue to unfold naturally.
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