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My mom does not want me to get engaged
Hi. First of all I want to mention that I am 22.I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years. We have a baby together. My mom never had a close relationship with him from the beginning. He is not perfect but I love him very much. He proposed to me this weekend. When I told my mom she didn't take it well at all. She kept on blaming me and said that I always disappoint her. She started shouting and saying that she hopes it's the best decision I could make. Now she does not want to talk to us at all. What makes things difficult is that we are currently staying with her until we finish building our house (should be done by December). i am really fed up with her always blaming me and never just being happy for me. She is really a toxic person in my life and I am afraid of her because she lashes out over everything. I want to cut her off but she will find a way to manipulate me. I need help
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We're not there to see whether or not she lashes out at everything or if it's only certain things. Could there be something that you are overly sensitive of? At 22 she sees someone who is quite young making a potentially life changing and life long commitment when not truly ready for it.
She sees traits in him that deeply trouble her and thinks you should feel the same. She knows if it doesn't work out which she believes will happen that there is consequences including custody battles with the baby.
I know you have been with this person for four years and love him but moms are usually a good person to gauge character. He's also lived with you all in her home for some time and she's seeing things she's alarmed by.
As far as her saying you always disappoint her that's a pretty harsh thing to say out of frustratiion but you need to investigate further why she feels that way and work to heal things. No matter what your relationship with her is of utmost importance and of greater value than any other person.
You may not like things right now but giving up on her and calling her toxic is not the way to go. Eventually she will resume speaking to you again.
I would actually get therapy with her to mend your relationship because there is tons wrong with it and it's not because you want to marry someone and she doesn't like him.
I wouldn't cut her off but if you feel you would be unwelcome in her house and that you need to live elsewhere start looking. The thing is though that you haven't the financial resources and that's another thing annoying your mother about you getting married. Perhaps the real issue is that it's hard to pull back and let you make decisions abut your life on own.
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Is there a Dad in the picture? If so, how does he feel and perhaps he could talk to your Mom and get her to lay off. If there is no Dad, she may be lonely and will always be upset over her child/childrenb moving out to live their own lives. She may not even realize why it bothers her so much, that you want to marry. She knows you're buildingk a house, have a child together, and you're an adult and that someday you would have been leaving her but she was okay with you living there, it was company so the enpty nest feeling was kept at bay. However with an announcement of you getting engaged which tells her that it really is final, you are going to move out, no matter how much she tried to not think of it, thats one more thing bringing her closer to an empty nest, even if there are siblings still at home, they most likely will also move out as soon as they can. If you are the last kid at home, mothers sometimes latch onto the last one the hardest. She is trying to control your actions, rather than take action on her own loneliness. She needs to join some clubs, make friends, meet a guy if widowed, single or if married unhappily,at least give couple counseling a try and work on her own life, not meddle in others, just because she is not a happy person. If she never liked your hubby to be in the first place, enough to keep him out of the house no matter she now has a grandchild he is father to, she could have had a strong enogh dislike to not want him living in her house at all. But She did let him stay and I suspect it was cus she didn't want to lose you. There is no other reason I can think of unless you forgot to mention other critical information.
If your home is not ready when you think, you may need to discover alternative plans of a place to stay. Or put up with everything until you move out. Keep asking friends, perhaps sinces its not forever, someone has a furnished or undone basement that could be turned into a makeshift apt for you for now. If it is Mom fearing being lonely, then it is best to rip that bandaid off, meaning you all leave as soon as possible, give her time to get over being upset, then try later to see if you can arrange Mother daughter dates for lunch out or shopping together or even just baking together in her kitchen. You set how often you like to get together or she will try to have you over every other day which is unrealistic. So as to cutting her off, it only need be temporary. She will control how long before your little family sees her again, by how much resentment she has, and whether she is acting hateful, revengeful and all that sort of stuff. I have had 4 of out 5 of the family I grew up with, siblings included, turn their backs on me and get upset for no valid reason, the adult version of a hissy fit, or call it trantrum and choose to not speak with me for month and one closer to a year. I bided my time. In the end once over their anger, and all was forgotten, they came back into my life. I tried asking my younger sister if she even rememvered the incidence, about 6 months ago. It was over 20 years ago and she did not recall it ever happening and almost didn't believe me. We had a good relationship now. All of us change and grow, heopefully for the better. I did not expect an apoligy, was just happy to get back to a good relationship. So you might hurt yourself worse if you are eager to burn bridges. I know some people are stubborn and won't change til the day they die. But a good many do change, and there can be a good relationship a little while later. I married at 20 and both I and my parents thought he was great. Turned out he had fooled us all and a month into marriage showed his true self which was verbally abusive to me. So sometimes parents can see something wrong with the person of your choice if they are really astute and paying attention and they can be right, so there is a slight chance she sees things that her being older, are just warning lights, like in your car, that something is about to go wrong. Looking back, I know now there were plenty of warning signs at least for me but I was too young and inexperienced to see them and see them for what they were. You are 22 and have said he is not pefect. True, no one is. But I have no way as a stranger of knowing if he has any personality flaws that you may think minor, but I from my experience may see a possible trait that is very damaging to a relationship. Living with future son in law under her roof, if she is normally a healthy minded person, she may have seen something right off the bat that you did not. I certainly didn't see the traits as bad things and made excuses for him all the time. I do hope he is a great guy and great husband material because if not, you won't be treated well or loved and cherished as the vows we say and slowly the love you have for him will die because he didn't invest in you, going the kinds of things that would grow the nest egg of love in your bank account/heart.
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