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Sister-in-law Drama
Hello. This question is about my sister-in-law (we are both in our late 20s). I think she has a problem because she likes to sleep with married men and then have kids with them. She told me that she does this because "all the good ones are taken", and she's hoping that if she has kids with them, they will leave their wives. She already had two kids by two different married men, and they did not leave their wife, so she is stuck being a single mom. I am constantly called upon to help her take care of her kids (I'm married to her brother and she doesn't have any sisters, so her family just expects me to help). But being a married woman myself, I don't agree with her lifestyle and it really bothers me. And I definitely don't feel like I should help take care of her kids. That is her responsibility, and I thought she knew this before getting involved with them. Recently we just found out that she is pregnant again with the third married man. Once again, he doesn't want anything to do with the child, and the family has asked me to help out. They said that I should feel "sorry for her" because "it's hard raising kids as a single mother." How can I tell her that I think this is actually her fault and that she should take responsibility for her actions? I don't want to help her because what she did was wrong in the first place, and she needs to stop doing this. She should see that this is destroying her life. I don't want to seem heartless, but I just feel like if I bail her out again she won't learn from her mistakes. How can I tell her that I won't be there this time, and that she should change her ways?
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You asked how you could tell her "no"? Its simple: just say it, say "No, not this time." Your family's attitude toward her may have contributed to her problem behaviors. You do not need to play along, its really doing her no favors in the long run, in any case, and I firmly believe in putting your own welfare and well being ahead of anything else.
Whatever else you choose to say to her will probably fall on deaf ears, and only further engage you in an argument.
I'm more concerned about her children than her, at this point. Keep an eye out ! This could end up with child protective services. Good wishes, ~Dr. Stephanie
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She needs psychiatric help but she is an adult and can decide not to go and can't be forced. Since she needs you to babysit and wouldn't have kids if she wasn't of a one track mind, you have no obligation to help out. Being that your husband is her brother, he needs to be on the same page as you, refusing to help care for the kids; If she had messed up once and had only one kid, then its possible to help if shes no longer going around hunting down married men to sleep with. Why if men would sleep with women outside their marriage, would they be unwilling to leave their wife? I am sure this qqestion has come up or will soon by someone. I can explain. I was divorced from an abusive situation. I was dating and ddmet this one guy at a restaurant, and after we go out to our cars, he said he had something important to tell me. He told me he was married and had kept that from me and from talking to me, reaslized I was a really good person, so I deserved to make that choice myself. He then said, he was looking for a sex partner outside his marriage. She had stopped wanting sex a long time ago. I said if it was that important to him, then he should get her permission as couples with open marriages do or in polyamory situations. So if I could meet her and she told me it was okay. He looked horrified, 'I can't do that to her, I still love her." I read somewhere and learned later that a solid marriage is bvilt on two things, being each others best friend, and being matched sexually too. Sadly most people only have one or the other. What these married men have is a partnership with their best friend and they would not want to hurt them but they also do not have any sexual life with their partner any more or a very bad unfulfilling one. So they seek it elsewhere and this applies to women unhappy in marriage for same reasons, she either missing a best friend or lover. This is why many marri3ed men will not leave their wives. When people have babies, they don't want to trust a stranger or only slightly known outsider and often will turn to family for help if childcare is needed. If a guy did leave his wife, his is not one of the good ones that were married, he was accidentally one of the bad ones that somehow fooled the female and got her to marry him. Just because a man is married doesn't guarantee he is a good person. I know because my ex was married to me and was a bad person. Yes he fooled me and my entire family and turned on me right after we married.
If you don't have your husband backing you up on this and he thinks you should watch the kids, then tell him that he can watch them all he wants but you will make sure to have yourself a day out or night out when that is scheduled. Most likely he will quickly realize that watching over all these children, is not an easy task and his sis wouldn't have that to face if she hadn't had this crazy idea to land herself a husband by sleeping with married men.
As a last resort although it sounds dumb to give this ultimatum unless you are willing to stick with it, and by you I mean hubby too, I can think of one thing that gets the message across that she shouldn't be having sex with married men. And this is it, birth control. Not the pill or a diaphragm but something real trusty such as having an IUD placed in her or getting her tubes tied. Yes, I know the tubes tied is a permament thing and that leaves the Intra-Uterine Device, IUD. These are practically fool proof. Once inserted by a doctor, its good for several years, it might be up to 7 years, it was when I used one. My Mom used it too and we never had problems, sex can be spontaneous without messing with creams or remembering to take the pill. Sis in law could lie and say she's taking the pill. So here is what you could say, "I would be willing (if you really were) to watch the kids occasionally, and state an example like once a month if thats all you wish, if you would do this one thing for me first. Stop going after married men trying to trick them into marrying you and leaving their wife. My ex actually played this game with people we knew, married couples. It wasn't until I left him that couples came forward and confessed that he had tried to convince the wives to leave their husbands for him. Not once or twice but many times with many different people. So you could tell her to go see her gynecologist, get an IUD put in and give you the paperwork showing it was done, along with the permission for the Drs. office to share the info with you when you call to verify it was done in case the paperwork is false. You want a copy of that paperwork in case she ends up pregnant so you have something to fight against her and who ever made that paper work. You must however choose a plan with your husband being okay with this. Unless I missed it, your husband and where he stands is not mentioned unless you lop him in when you say, "her family just expects me to help. Let your Mom in law take on full responsibility of being the only babysitter of her errant and messed up daughter. The only link you have to her is your marriage to her brother. WHen you married him, you were not expecting to become a continual babysitter for his sister. I know myself aned I would be thinking that perhaps I was watching the kids so she could go out with a married man and get pregnant again and in a twisted way, knowing what she's capable of, its almost like aiding and abbeting.
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You can say whatever you want to her. She will be helpless to object. You can simply tell her:
"Obviously this is actually your own fault and you should take responsibility for your own actions? I'm getting sick of bailing you out because your actions are immoral and so flagrantly ill considered in the first place. You are destroying your life."
But all this will be entirely for your own catharsis. She obviously needs professional psychiatric help. Of course, you will be the one footing the bill. Just don't be mean about it. Of course, around the world, there are good men publicly desperate to marry. It only takes the research. But that will go in one ear and out the other. Moreover, with financial and emotional support, perhaps career development might be possible for her, as it has been for so many other single mothers. But perhaps she has any other range of problems entirely, either emotional or circumstantial.
Of course, you remain perfectly free to just cut her and her children off. You are under no obligation and from what you tell us, clearly your sacrifice goes unappreciated.
What to do? Dammed if you do and damned if you don't! You too need to make up your mind and take responsibility.
Is there any good that can come out from any of this? You must admit that it might be nice if you could make so much money so that the cost won't matter anymore. But when I say that sort of thing to people, they often insist that they don't need more money, when obviously, under such circumstances, that simply isn't true. And so, if you are saying that sort of thing, then just stop saying or even thinking so. It will only undermine you and holds you back under already impossible circumstances.
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