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humorist-workshop
Still trying to start a long-distance relationship.
Back in May, I posted a question about me being interested in starting a long-distance relationship- my main concern was the age gap of 16 and 19. We both turned 17 and 20 in August, and the age gap honestly doesn't concern me that much at the moment (I checked and it's legal in both of our areas). My main concern is trying to start the relationship in the first place- over the last few weeks, I've said to her that there's something I want to tell her (that being how I feel), however have never manage to quite send her a message about how I feel. I've given her a few vague hints, explaining the type of 'situation' for want of another word but nothing really which signals that I'm interested in her. I think there might be some interest on her side as well- she sends me blue hearts at the end of her messages every now and again. Could that be a sign of something? Or am I just overthinking (both me and her have a tendency to overthink as well so I think she could be the perfect match for me). Genuinely she's one of the closest friends I've ever had, and I've never even met her in person (first started talking to her around November last year, then the pandemic hit a few months after). I know she's not a catfish or anything- I've seen her and heard her multiple times and I think she's really pretty. This came out of nowhere- I've had a couple of crushes in the past (but this feels silly to just refer to as a crush), however, I never really interacted with them. Whereas with this one, I think the fact that I regularly interact with her makes my feelings stronger. I've had the idea of a long-distance relationship in mind for a few months now, and she also knows that I'm trying to tell her something (have been trying to for a few weeks about how I feel) but just doesn't know what. I suppose I'm sort of worried about her reaction- not necessarily even her answer- just her reaction- I don't want to freak her out. It's a shame it's taking me so long to open up to her about my feelings because normally I feel like I can be more open with her than any other person- me and her are very similar people- and I think we understand each other well. Everytime I get a message from her, it makes me that little bit happier which isn't something I've ever felt before. However, I've never been in any relationship before (and neither has she) so have no idea what to do. How do I build up the courage to ask her in the first place, and what things can long-distance couples do together to make it feel like a relationship? The pandemic has probably gotten in the way of a lot- would love to fly to the US (from the UK) to go and meet her, but unfortunately I can't for the time being. She's one of the closest friends I've ever had, and I'd be interested in expanding the friendship I have with her- I just don't know how to ask her, nor do I know what to do within a relationship, so it's an odd situation.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I am not one to condemn things easily. I have even done my version of internet dating and I will explain in a while. But from what I have studied that proves some of the things I noticed happening, I know now that internet dating, and LDR's are generally not the best way to go. In fact, it would be last on the list of a way to have a relationship. I do believe that couples who were dating and knew each other before going to separate colleges and miles between them or one parter going into the military, that LDR's are a good way to go to keep the relationship going. I support that. But there is something called "Theatre of the Mind" and we ALL fall to that. Here's my story: After a divorce, I realized I was too social a person to remain single and so I joined a couple free dating sites on line. I would use the computer as a TOOL to get to know of the existance of a person. At that point, it is important to screen them online, to see if there doesn't seem anything glaringly obviously bad. But at that point it becomes critical to meet in person. There is a thing called chemistry. You have to be attracted to the persons and both your chemistries match or are close. I set my profile to meet with guys who didn't live further than an hours drive away although it was shorter than that when I first started. I'd chat on line during the week waiting for the weekend so we could meet in person. During the weeks time I spent talking to several guys, each of them sounded like great possibilities, I think I admired or loved their minds, maybe even a bit in love with. Then I met them in person. Here's what LDRs or dating only on the internet can do. It hides certain things from you. One is whether there is chemistry in person. The only chemistry you can get on line cus they aren't physically present is their mind and liking how they think and talk. Another is that it is too easy to hide things from someone on line. They may think and say they don't lie, are loyal or get jealous but those are things easily found out in person. Lastly, it is too easy to intend to promise oneself to someone in an LDR but you dont get to hug or kiss and sex, well its really only two people masturbating, which is fine but not enough to sustain a relationship. The couple in an LDR are both susceptible to meeting and falling for someone who is there in flesh and blood and now find they have feelings for two people. It is a way to hide character faults very easily because you are not meeting them in person consistantly enough to see it they truly are what they say or not. I can't stand cigarette smoke, some allergy with it and put it in profile. One guy seemed great and we met in public places driving ourselves several times before I allowed myself to go somewhere in his car. that's when I smelled stale cigarette smoke like the kind of smoke from those who smoke like a chimney. I mentioned something and rolled down the window. He said his son smokes and borrows his car a lot and but he didn't. Later on that date, he went for his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes before freezing and realizing he'd just revealed the truth and that he had lied before. I didn't want a guy with it in him to lie even once because it meant he was likely to do it in other situations. He had hoped I'd fall in love and then it wouldn't mind to me to marry him. I said this wouldn't work, left and he called and left several hateful voicemails on my phone. Another, I was sure we had so much in common, I was excited to meet him, and when he entered the restaurant and met me, we both realized we didn't feel that spark although it had looked so hopeful. So immediately after we were seated, the first thing he said was, "This is not going to work out, is it." And I agreed, "You're right, I don't feel that spark, the chemistry." We both of course were older in late forties to fifty and had experience with how that should feel and it wasn't there. Sometimes chemistry is felt only by one person and must be by both. I experienced that both ways, a guy feeling it, but not me, or me feeling it but not the guy. On this column I
have read stories of people writing in to tell about their LDRS and wondering if they had done anything wrong when their LDR partner met someone in real life where they lived and was attracted to and started dating while still meeting with their LDR girlfriend boyfriend. I do remember one gal saying she went away to college while she started an LDR with a guy from back home. Her girlfriend eventually got the guts to tell her that her so called boyfriend on line has another girlfriend and she's seen him consistently with the gal. Yet he came on line and told her she was the only one for him. It really is too easy to hide things on line. Right now you have what you called a friendship and that is a good plus you have going for you. The solid foundation to successful relationships is being each others best friend, and the other is being each others sexual equal plus having the sexual chemistry to go there in the first place. So as you can see, only one of those can be fulfilled on line, the friendship part, I already knew when talking to my now husband online where we met in dating site, We called and talked hours every evening and by a week was up, I knew I could always be a friend of his if nothing more. But we had to meet to see if there was that something more we could feel. When two people are friends in person and want to make the next move, I usually say to ask your friend, "Since we are doing so well as friends, I just wondered how well we would do together is we were more than friends, What do you think?
When asked that way, you are not confessing you have feelings whether you do or not so they can't be scared away. Asking their thoughts gives them the chance to okay or say no, they don't have the needed romantic feelings for you. And that is the only thing missing from a friendship that make a relationship a romantic dating/marriage relationship. Since you hCW friendship on line, continue that but you might try that line on her and see if it works. She may then say, yes, lets date and be boyfriend and girlfriend. Which means she thinks it might work. She can go only by your looks and what of your personality comes through in chat. But on the physical level she may not feel anything once you meet, which you both need to do to find out if you both have a real future together. If she is willing to date you online, then she is going to be open to hearing you tell her you love her. But I wouldn't say it on same day as the statement I shared earlier. Give it a couple weeks of dating online. Then you come out and share. You might be realistic and mention that you realize life happens and that both of you might meet someone local you fall for before the two of you can meet in person to know if you two even have a chance. But if you both keep in touch and remain single, then perhaps in a year or two, one of you can fly to meet the other. Of course wiht Covid, nows not the time for a flight or exposing yourself to being around lots of other
people and making such a trip. I wouldn't count
either on the pandemic being over early next year. WHen the same thing happened a hundred years ago with Spanish flu pandemic, there were a lot less people on the planet and World War I was going on. So since we are more people and many choose to not wear masks or can't for medical reasons, it continues to surge in numbers again and I fear it may be another whole year before we have signs its finally over. So I expect 2021 to be much of the same. I'd dbe glad to be wrong on this, but going just by statistics, I'd say theres a better chance I am right. So use the friends trying out something more line, later profess your feelings and make a promise to meet when the pandemic is over. Then if you still feel each other is the one for you, you make plans as any other couple does, to date, move in together and marry. Although its more complicated for you in deciding which of you is going to move and look for work and the other will already have a place of their own to welcome you to.
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