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Should i move in with my ex?
I am a 22-year-old Dominican female, and ever since I was about 5 years old I wanted to get married and have two or three kids and a variety of pets (cats dogs and guinea pigs) with a man.
I met my ex while I was at work, through a mutual friend who was coming to visit me. She introduced me to him, and after like 4 months of dating we were in a relationship for almost 3 years.
I was going through a tough time with my mom where I got kicked out, and he was there for me the whole time, making sure that I had a place to sleep while I was homeless for two weeks, (as I could not sleep over his house because he had 9 people at the time living in his home already) helping me move, etc.
throughout the time he also was the main reason why I developed into a much better person than I was before. I miraculously got an apartment very soon after i got kicked out, within those two weeks. I went through 3 sets of roommates and he pointed out to me all the things i was doing that were not good for our relationship or my interaction with anyone, including my mom. He was extremely patient with me, loved me unconditionally, and taught me how to accept others as well as accepting my mom for who she is. So many beautiful things about this man led me to fall in love with him. But our love was never very passionate, i never found myself thinking about him all day or having butterflies or anything like that i just have a deep deep respect for him and i want to keep him in my life. He even agreed to the idea of having an open relationship even though he didn’t like the idea. He taught me how to communicate my feelings easily, a whole bunch of beautiful things.
Anyway. The reason why we broke up was because I was no longer attracted to him due to the fact that he didn’t have a job and didn’t really try to keep one throughout our relationship. He liked to smoke weed, have sex with me and play basketball more than he liked to do anything else. He had little side jobs here and there but never anything concrete. I was always having to pay for lunch, if he took me somewhere it would be his mother’s money, when he would smoke with friends he’d be freeloading off of them, and he was always just lazy. It made me lose interest and my love for him became simply appreciation for him helping me grow as a woman.
But since we broke up i haven’t found anyone that is a good match or worth introducing to my family. No one worthy. my dad is 68 years old. And i want him to meet his grandchildren. My ex is a man i can raise children with proudly and never have to worry about abuse, or disrespect, or infidelity, or any kind of conflicts between our families, he’s the ideal match when it comes to long term. On paper.
And since we’ve been apart he has expressed to me that he’s working on getting a job at a bank and making a career out of it. He wants to be part of the investment department. But i don’t know if I’m attracted to him anymore and i don’t want to waste his time or break his heart. I just want to have my family with the right man and i think he is the right man for me. I just don’t feel as attracted to him or in love as i should be.
We have been talking about moving in together sometime next year, because after like 1.5 years in that apartment, i had moved back in with my mother. I also just miss him and i sort of want to get back with him so i can have the family and dream ive always wanted. My mom and i are not getting along well because we never truly have, and i want to move out so our relationship doesn’t have to be so hostile. but I’m afraid that I’m making the wrong choice. I’m not sure if i expressed all the feelings i needed to to convey my thoughts. But i hope someone would be able to understand despite my being all over the place. Thanks in advance!!!!!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Bumbleblush said you seemed to be in love with the idea of being in love. Love happens easily, but not being in love. I will explain the two. People use the word 'love' to describe anything they have intense feelings of like for, ie I love chocolate, I love cats, I love picking shells off the beach. If one of those things were missing in my life a long time, my feelings would survive and so would I if I knew I had to give up chocolae, such as discovered I had turned diabetic. But we survive thise things. Being IN love, might sound like a play of words but I have experienced the difference. The first husband, my ex, perhaps loved some aspects of me but he was never in love with me. He admitted it to the counselor in front of me. Well, that explained why he treated me like he didn't really care about me. I did not feel treasured until I met my second husband. This man I didn't just decide to commit to because he was such a nice guy. I met lots of nice guys before him and I didn't feel chemistry with them. Guys can be so desperate, they will pretend to feel something. I am talking of both friendship chemistry and romantic chemistry because you need both to have a couple relationship and only the friendship chemistry to be just friends. There needs to be unconditional love.
You said you wanted the right man and I have an article I can paste in that I wrote of what I went through to find Mr. Right. I wasn't gung ho about trying this when I heard it all during meditation and prayers. But I kept asking God to bring me a good man and this is what I was told to do. I had to realize for myself what I really needed and wanted and how to recognize these things in a guy to know if he was right for me. Thats why dates where you can do more talking rather than watching a movie or bowling, will bring you quicker to that spot of knowing. You want to know whether to move in with him. You are a couple steps ahead. The living together part as the right spot. Heres how it goes:
The Normal steps to a Relationship
Attraction: Whether just plain looks or a pheremone attraction. It doesn't mean that either one "Likes" the other yet so it is important to go beyond the staring at stage to conversation.
Conversation: Now you are talking and find that you like the persons sense of humor, how they think, their beliefs or way of living life...this is the teaser...either you decide you want to learn more in depth about the person or you decide you don't have enough interest from the conversation to want to learn any more. Someone not interested stops talking to the other and looks elsewhere. If both want to learn more about the other, you start dating.
Dating: Dating is not all about calendar appointments to go to a movie or out to dinner, or out dancing. It is a time to learn what you like and don't like about the opposite sex. Find out more about the person you have interest in which happens only if you start seeing each other regularly making it a conscious choice. If there are too many dislikes, start over again with someone new. Or take this to the next level. Usually a move to being a steady couple happens automatically without any conscious thought.
Steady relationship: This is meant to be a time where you have plenty of opportunity to spend in each others presence getting to see how they handle themselves 24/7 under all sorts of conditions, their good days, and bad days. Many choose to live together at this time. (for those 18 and older) There isn't much that can be hidden when you live with someone, like their housekeeping habits, what their usual diet is, any mood swings, and by now there should be a good idea of what their normal sexual habits and needs are. You don't want to get matched up with someone who is the opposite libido level of yourself.
Committed relationship: Here there are vows and oaths made to each other, a professing of mutual love and devotion for each other and it goes beyond words to living it out daily in how one treats their partner. This person will be your life mate with a marriage license or without one.
As you can see, it too early in the game to go for cohabitating. You will also want to see him become employed, continue to hold that job and pay all his bills on time before its safe to rent together, otherwise like many said females who've written, the man contributed nothing but sex, no monoey or chores, not even owning a car or driving, it was the girl doing it all. Well, if you're rich and want to be a Sugar Mama, thats up to you but in this world, there aren't many females who want that. I will also now add in my document about finding Mr. Right and you won't get it all to write down the first time. But you do want to make the lists, on paper, on pc, somewhere you can go and keeping checking and updating it.
How to find Mr. Right
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, or to really describe yourself in a convo in person, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. At least, hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grand-kids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenarios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be "I want a guy who wants to have kids", "I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry," I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his beliefs,' I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out. I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, it was from his son who uses the car but later by habit pulled out a cigarette right in front of me. He felt as many guys do, that it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn't matter to me then. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. Sticking with your needs, not lowering standards, helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Back from the document, if you have any questions about anything I wrote or want more details on anything I mentioned, let me know. This is what I used to find my second husband. I had set my profie to show only guys up to 25 miles away and when I changed it to one hours drive away, the man I married was finally able to see me as he was about 45 min away. I was not going to wait for a guy to write me although many did. I began searching, finding guys who sounded somewhat promising but I still needed to know if they fit my criteria, so I wrote them first. Don't wait around hon, thats only going to bring you the undesirables. You pick the guys and once you meet them in person, share your criteria. As I said, the guys not worth having were the only ones who got upset. The good guys understand and will understand if you want to meet in a public place and drive yourself to that meet up, never get in a guys car to get to a date or get home after. Staying safe is possible if you do the right things.
If you have more questions after this, I can try to help but you must go to Browse Advice Columnists and find Dragonfly Magic, open my column and you'll see where to post your questions.
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It seems like you love the idea of being in love. He might be an amazing man, and you respect him, but you can't build a relationship without knowing if you really love him. You're only 22 years old. You have your whole life in front of you. If you respect him, tell him that you're not sure about the relationship. Speak to him that you would like to date, see how things go from thereon. He sounds like an amazing man and I'm sure you'll work things out.
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