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Relationship pressure
I am 18 male from India.I have a neighbour friend of mine (we know each other sonce 7 years) who I take evening walks with. Recently my friend got in a relationship with a girl who was in the same college of mine. He told me about his relationship. The thing is that even I want to get into a relationship as I am tired of being single. But my progress is leading me to nowhere. Furthermore the sexual tension between him and the girl is high so he might get to see some 'action' soon. They bonded quickly within three weeks and here the chances of me getting in a relationship is less. They bonded so much that he even knows her cousins and her distant family members. In other words I am simply jealous of him entering in a relationship. Also when I hear his incidents or anecdotes with her I don't feel like hearing them. I literally feel bad and low and I was about to cry. How do I deal with this?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
The right person is going to enter your life eventually. While it's hard to see a friend have something you want badly for yourself you need to know that a relationship has to be with the right person or it's not going to last.
I mention that because I think things are going too fast with your friend and this relationship. I say this because you're just hearing about this and suddenly he knows her entire family and the bond was very fast. I also think he's put an emphasis on sex and getting action soon and not much else.
Also, people who brag about that kind of thing or desire and uncomfortable personal things about a relatonship often don't have a good one and are seeking approval of you. If you feel uncomfortable about talking about it than let him know where you stand. It may not make you popular but it's right to do. Tell him you wouldn't talk about someone who was your GF in that manner.
In your case you need to work on being open to everyone you meet especially women your age. Show everyone through actions what a good person and choice you are. Also, forget about type or someone looking a certain way and focus on the qualities that they possess that make them a great partner. Don't overlook anyone who may be under your nose because they seem on surface to be plain. That's how you will find a solid relationship with a lasting partner.
I don't know what life is like in India however, there must be clubs for young people at school or student government or something where you can meet people who are different as well as same as you and that may lead to finding friends and a partner. Anything involving drama or acting at school is also good because you get to work with people from an assortment of backgrounds.
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Jealousy is a fear of loss of something or someone. You can only fear not having as much time with your friend since he is now in a relationship. You can't fear losing something (being in a relationship) that you have never had. So what you feel is called Envy. This means you feel left out because you really want something that someone else has.You can either continue to feed this feeling with your thoughts being those of I wish I had what he has, or you can tell yourself each time those thoughts come up that you are happy for him and you will find the right person for yourself someday too.
As for being tired of being single, a baby and child are single too so yes, you have been single 18 whole years and thats a long time. But most of those years, you did not have the feelings of wanting a relationship with a girl so I must guess this actually only started since your body began to change and you went through puberty. It can happen early like around age 12 and a great majority go through it more like at 14, or they are finishing it then. This means you've only felt the singleness for 6 years at the very most and those are years when at least in the US, I know people that age are experimenting with relationships while in school but there is no marriage and starting a family until they are at the very least, out of school. I am not speaking of college age though.
So one thing you need to begin to do is to capture thoughts blown out of proportion like being single forever and focus your thoughts on learning all the things a man needs to know to be able to be in a healthy relationship that will last and last.
If you want a different girl every month, with no commitments, you need not do anything. Relationships start when two people feel chemistry together. Its the same for a friendship only relationship....the sexual attraction is the only thing missing . . . people want to be around people that think and believe the same as them and they have things in common. However some couples do not have the friendship part at all or not very strong, only sexual attraction. Both are important. I hope your friend has both or that relationship will not last. You can't just start hanging out with the first girl who says yes to dating and have it work out. If you focus on learning everything you need to know about being in a relationship, you may end up in an even better place than your friend depending on who you attract. Believe me that women do watch males to see what they act like. Some are taken in only by a pretty face so they date only because they like his looks. But its the friendship that will carry a relationship in the long run because once old enough for the beauty and handsomeness to fade, you are only left with what the person is like, their personality. Thats where my husband and I are at. We don't look as great as we did when younger but we are more in love today than in the past because of how we love each other as each others very best friend. No fighting or arguing, no trying to hurt the other or win arguments.
So in how to deal with this as you asked, I would like to recommend getting hold of books or what you can find on line that speaks of how to have a good relationship. That breaks down into many things, like learning how to really listen, how to have compassion, communication skills, how to see your role as a male as being that of one who
"supports who and what she is becoming, and to strengthen who and what she is" It is harder than you might think. Those very words were shared with me in a note on a dating site and that man is now my second husband. Focus on yourself and learning to become a better man than any you know. Most men today focus only on themselves and never on their partner believing its all about them. It doesn't really matter what a cultures norms are. The happiest couples are ones who don't try to live up to what others expect of them but truly do carve out a life for themselves. Lastly I will leave you with an anonymous quote I came across a decade ago.
Touch a woman’s mind-you get her interest. Touch a woman’s heart—you get her love.
Touch a woman’s soul; you get passion beyond your wildest dreams. Touch all three, you have a lover for eternity. (anonymous)
This means you want to know a particular womans thoughts and beliefs (her mind)dont want to simply be yourself so she can see who you truly are and if it is all great stuff, then(touching her heart) and not pretending to be someone you think will
impress her, touch her soul (thats harder to explain but I have that with Hubby) Touching each others soul only comes when both are wanting to please their partner before themselves, loving unconditionally and when there are no bad experiences together to interfere, a couple can begin to feel each others energy and sometimes it feels like our souls blend like the blending of two colors to come up with a third. You will find what is right for you. Dont compare to what anyone else has in their relationships because they are different people with different needs and wants. Inagine the 'seeing some action' as lasting only as long as the relationship and sex being gone if you break up. Sex is the highlight of a relationship, like the frosting on a cake.But it isn't the whole thing. There needs to be the cake for the frosting to go on. The cake then is everything else two people do together besides what they do when making love. Its called making love for a reason, it is an expression of your love for the other person and the best way to give your partner a gift worth having, your love. At 18, young men are not even interested in the whole thing, they just want the frosting!. I figure that any men who do become a good candidate as a partner, husband for a woman someday, are themselves not ready until they are at least in their mid twenties but the majority do not grow up and learn how to be a good partner until they hit 30 years of age or older. So be different, study now how to be that exceptional man and you'll be ahead of all the other men. That means women who are looking for a good man or are running from a bad relationship, want to find a man like the one you can become. You need to start now. Focus your thoughts on your learning and of course practicing basic friendship and being a good conversationalist and you won't have time to focus on what someoneelse has. Yes, I have felt short bouts of envy too. Now in looking back, I have way more and much better in my life than those I
thought had it all way back when I was younger.
I have one book for you to look for because I believe it is being sold around the world in many languages. It is titled 'The Five Love Languages' by author Gary Chapman. He started as writing for Christians but the message of the book is so important and there is no where else on the planet this was being taught that this book is everywhere now. There is a test you can take, in the book, by answering the questions on a separate piece of paper. You learn how to identify the way you feeled loved versus how your friend or partner wants to be loved. If you liked receiving gifts as a way of knowing you are loved and try gifting gifts to a more practical girl who feels loved when her partner does acts of service, she won't feel as loved when being showered with gifts. This is an important need for couples to understand. Know this now and at least what you need and that will be one thing you can cross off your list of things to learn now. If you can't find the book, let me know and perhaps I can send you links to getting it but they would be in English.
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