|
My grandma blamed me for ruining her relationship with my mom
In our country, families are very close knit and live in the same house. I wasn’t expecting to get scolded by my grandma for telling my mom that she let my cousin(who has stolen a lot of money and stuff from us and ran away multiple times) sleep in our living room while she was guarding me for the night while my mom was away from town. I just agreed with her, because I don’t have much of a choice either and my cousin might have been swarmed by mosquitoes in his bedroom. But I went to my mom’s bedroom because I really didn’t feel safe with him. She specifically told me that because of what i told my mom.things have changed for my grandma and my mom. I think you guys can tell that I dislike this cousin of mine. In between of the pandemic, he has been in and out of the house and has been sleeping over at his friends. My issue with him is not because of our rough past childhood (i can get past that) but it’s that I can’t believe that he still gets away with what he does every single time. If he was a girl, he would’ve have been isolated from social life a long time ago. Boys always get a free pass in our household because “that’s just the way they are”.
My mom isn’t a perfect person. She’s very organized to the point where she ends up offending and driving people to insanity around her (mostly us). She has OCD and it takes a toll on her when she does not get things her way. I know a thing or two about my grandmom and my mom’s relationship. They have a pretty rough relationship because of my grandma’s odd parenting. She never let my mom open up to her and tell her the things that my mom needed to hear when she was very young (adolescence, relationships, marriage). I believe this was the reason why mom got mixed up with my physically abusive father and stood silence for 10 years of their marriage.
I’m really sad to see things go this far. It’s so odd that what it took to start was that I told my mom that my cousin slept in our living room. I think it’s my fault :(
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Sorry to hear about this! It’s definitely not your fault and you should avoid taking a fall for other people’s pleasure and happiness. If you believe you caused the relationship between and mother and daughter to wane you can definitely do something about it. Find ways of bringing them together without thinking much about the cousin you don’t like. Make them meals, talk positive things about your mother to your grandma and to your mother about your grandma. Don’t isolate yourself from them. Soon, by interacting with your grandmother and sharing as much as you can, you will find the space and means to let her know you’re sorry if you did something you shouldn’t have and mend the broken relationship. Soon you will be happy together again. Just don’t keep away or continue fighting them even when dared to. Show love, humility and sincerity and it will pay off.
]
Oh My! You have two adults carrying on like children, pointing the finger and blaming you. They both are not able to face the fact that they both have caused all that has happened or not gone right in life by choices they made. At age twenty, knowing next to nothing about what a good trustworthy person was for a relationship, I married a man who was verbally abusive and my parents had been fooled too. I stayed way longer than your Mom did. The stress of it messed not with my mind because I was stable there, but with my body and I had multiple stress related illness or medical related sickness. So anyone can make a bad decision. It was my decision to finally leave. You may or may not be an adult and it may be more of a financial hardship to get your own place. In some countries, I know that many adults life with parents or grandparents or the parents come to live with their adult children. It is the only way for some people to survive. But that doesn't mean family is healthy minded and normal.
In the current situation, you were in the house but you were not involved in any decision making. Your grandma decided to let a family member stay, someone I am guessing your Mom doesn't approve of either and probably doesn't want around you. As you said, you were uncomfortable being in that situation, of him being in the same house. If family had stolen from me, I would have to see a very big transformation to see the person had changed, otherwise, no matter if still stealing or not or whatever bad thing a person does, it is too tempting and easy for them to slip right back into it. Your cousin was only taken in because he was blood relation, not because he can be trusted. If your grandma was watching you and your Mom said she doesn't want anyone else around you while in her care, then I can see why she's upset. Even if she didn't spell it out to her Mother, she assumed your grandma would just be looking after you and no one else accepted into the home. Most people would assume they don't have to tell the babysitter you don't want guests or a party or anyone else you don't know about being there while you are watched. Your grandma seems to forgive which is fine but it doesn't mean she should automatically trust someone who has treated her badly in the past, their own family!! Family is not perfect. My Mom acted like a child after divorcing Dad and meeting someone. I was married, my siblings still at home. When she announced she was getting married to a new guy, my teen sister jumped up and down and acted so excited like she was getting married herself. Mom worked in the same company as me. When she told me, I said congratulations. I am glad you get to experience some romance finally. (she and Dad were a mismatch romantically) But I didn't jump up and down. So she compared my reaction to my sisters and got mad at me saying I was angry and didn't want her to remarry and stopped talking to me for close to a year. I knew I had done nothing wrong. My Mom has assumptions that led her off the right path. Imagine a MOm not wanting to talk to you and mad at you for a year, but I was married, went on with my life and thankfully and lady Moms age worked in my department and she was kind to me and became that older woman I could talk to and confide in. I can't say what will happen in your situation but one thing that has to happen is that you know you are not at fault for telling Mom your cousin slept there. It made you uncomfortable and that was reason enough to relay the story to Mom, what any young person would do so they could be comforted by their Mother. You have two adults with mental problems, as OCD is one and grandmas behavior suggests she has one too, just undiagnosed. You can't listen to either of them and think you did wrong or you are the problem. Hon, you need to change how you think, that they are the problem. When you are old enough to be considered an adult in your country, perhaps you can plan to find a roommate and get a place of your own and then just visit your Mom and grandma in small amounts that you can handle. By what you already told me, your grand mother was never a good mother to your mother when mom was a girl and you weren't even born yet. The relationship was already messed up. All they do now is makeup and get along a while until one of them upsets the other and stops talking or blame others or the situation and the cycle continues. they never fix their relationship, just go on with highs and lows like a bipolar person. Yes, this is definitely not your fault and any mental health professional would agree.
]
More Questions: |