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Strained Relationship with In-Laws
My in-laws and I don't have a very good relationship. When I first got married, I was working full-time and my husband's parents were very kind and appreciative of me. However, a few months later I got pregnant with our first child. My husband and I discussed it and we agreed that I would be a stay-at-home mom. I stopped working, but then just two months after having my baby my mom-in-law started asking when am I going back to work? I was surprised that she was asking me this so soon, but I just blew it off. But then my husband's father started asking the same question, and then his sister got involved. They even said they wanted to have a talk with me and all three of them ganged up on me at the same time. Of course I pushed back because I told them that this was something we BOTH agreed on, but they made it seem like I was lazy and was just using my husband for his money. They even said that I was holding him back in life because instead of moving forward he has to "take care of me." This infuriated me because I don't think it's even their business to tell me when I should go back to work. My husband tried to have a talk with them, but they believe that he can't say no to me and that I forced him to let me stay home. It's ridiculous. Anyway, after being home for about a year I decided to start working again, and I noticed that his family is being more friendly towards me again and calling me more often. But I feel like they're being fake because they're only talking to me because I'm doing what they want me to do. I would be perfectly fine cutting them off, but for the sake of my husband I want to try to have a relationship with them. But I can't forget the way they treated me, and it makes me angry. How can I fix this relationship?
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They are adults and can't be forced to see a counselor who would basically tell them to mind their own business and look inside to see what is lacking in them. When people pick on others and point the finger and accuse (I have had a past with and experienced that)it usually is never about the one who has been told what they can and can't do. It is a way that those needing to improve who they are as humans, will subconsciously do, not even realizing that they need to work on themselves. I can understand being furious, as I would be and have been several times in my past being told what I can and can''t do. I have heard it compared as
'shoulding someone is the same as shitting on someone', sorry bout the language but that's the saying and it wouldn't make sense using another
word.
I agree with you that they are being fake, all because they think you are conforming to what they have dictated. Hurray for your husband to speak up and tell them how it really went. Some men are scared to face their own family and will let them treat a spouse with distain or hatred and mean-ness. If they wouldn't change even when he explained and apologize for their presumptiousness, then you know the problem is theirs and won't go away if you have a second child, planned or unplanned. It will be the same circus. I know right now that my second husband, way way better than my first who was verbally abusive, this husband would tell his own family he will not see them alone and we are a couple and go everywhere together except for what is unhealthy for one of us. Since they are acting toxic toward my wife, I will not take time to be around you or even talk in length on the phone until you tell me you have changed and can apologize to both of us. That is exactly what he would do, how do I know? We have discussed family birthdays, of grandkids and some holidays where my ex is present and if he were to be unkind to me in any way, he'd tell him to back off, would opt out of going anywhere he has been invited and has said he'd do the same even if it was his family. He has never once done anything I've told him I did not like, he's dependable. So your situation is one that takes more talking between you both. How far are you willing to go with his family and their acting fake. I know my concern would be their effect on my child/children when they are old enough to start copying behavior. If you can tell they are fake, a child will eventually see that too and may copy them and have little respect for you to obey and such. I can't say why they don't like you but I'll bet they were looking for a chance to show how much they wished you hadn't married their son/brother. Now you both need to look forward to how you see this affecting you in the future, affecting the child and any other child. Adults can't be forced to change and be good. God gave all a free will to do as they please, whether its good or bad. Change has to come from within, by a person looking inside themselves and willing to see where they are lacking and then do whatever they need to be doing things right, and it involves a change of heart. This may never change if they don't have some great obstacle in their life, like a giant boulder blocking a lane of traffic. That obstacle would have to be something they want real bad but can't have unless they change for the better. And that obstacle to them might be if your husband says they can't see him or their grandchild until all of them change. In some cases, people don't change no matter what. But the upside is your kids not growing up with toxic people like this influencing them. What happens when you need a sitter and they volunteer? I would be worried about them turning my child against me and painting me as a bad mother. Kids are easily influenced. So this is not going away soon, no matter how many times your husband tries to explain. They are currently beyond explanations. Its like talking to a misbehaving kid and when that alone doesn't work and produce change, you take something away from them. No dessert, no TV or gaming, go to bed early, or being grounded. Basically, if they act like children, the only way to deal with them is like dealing with a child, you only reward good behavior, and take something away when they don't listen. If your husband and you can't agree on a plan or feel its too harsh, you might go to see a counselor and see what they recommend for dealing with family like this. I known people who have cut themselves off from family because the family member or all were very mean and toxic. Nut I can certainly say that just going along to see this family with your husband is not going to change them, only make them harder to change in the future because they will think they had the victory and won with you going back to work, no matter what the real reason is. My ex wouldn't like me quit even when I had found someone who would let me babysit and pay, even though I had a new born. I had to go to work and watch as my daughter opened the curtains at the window her crib was against and start crying as she saw me look at her and back out of parking and leave. I cried the whole way to work. I wanted to be with my baby. So you two did well in choosing to be with the child for its first year. I hope you can find a solution that works. I wish that being sneaky would work. That you see a counselor who agrees the family needs to hear that they were wrong and shouldn't be telling you what to do and treating you badly when you don't do as they said. And you invite all those troublemakers to your house for a dinner where you have another guest...a counselor who knows all about them. And the counselor can lead conversation to the topics of stay at home Moms and keep trying related subjects until one of them pops and decides to verbally disagree with counselor. They don't have to know its a counselor until the very end, that way they arent running off too soon. I so wish stuff like that could happen in real life. But the two of us must unite with a plan and stick to it, together. Otherwise, I've heard of things starting out here and ending with the spouse divorcing because it got worse and worse over the years. A person who thinks they need to fix everyone else up is only going to do more of the same as time goes on. So they need something to jolt them out of their rut. Sharing with a counselor told you to tell them, if it won't work, means you both may have to cut relations with them. But just as kids can be adopted, so can grandparents. My parents both died when my 3 kids were real young. So we asked an older couple at church if they would be my kids adopted grandparents. They were thrilled as they had one adopted grown child not yet married and no grand kids of their own and were wanting this very much. You can find people who feel more like family than your actual blood relatives do. My husbands says that often enough. We'll meet a new person and later he says, That person really felt like family to me, how about you? So please don't go along with status quo but both of you do whatever to stir up things and leave them when it doesnt work. Saying I'm sorry isn't good enough, so if family simply say that and think they're off the hook, things are just getting started. I will patiently wait and observe to see how consistant they are. Cus they can fake things only so long before a glimmer or more of their real self shows through. This is what I learned and used in finding my 2nd mate. He was always consistant and never messed up except on something I had never thought I had to spell out for him but once done, he promised that now that he knows, he won't do it again and he hasn't. We tend to forgive one slip up thinking that its not their normal behaviour when its the other way around, the slip up IS their normal behavior and all the so called consistent good you saw until then was all a false facade.
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