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elderly mother babys adult son
I will try to make this short...
My brother (52) still lives at home with my mother. (79) Obviously he has mental issues, but, yes has been able to hold down a job, (for over 30 years until the company closed down) drive, (he has a CDL) as well as many other things. He cant, however, do laundry, change a lightbulb, or even pick his mother up from the hospital when she was discharged...the reason? "He's too nervous" my mother says. He obviously has mental issues that were never formally diagnosed. She covers for him all the time and babys him to a ridiculous extent...Anyway, bottom line is that when she dies, he will have no where to live. I have tried MANY times to discuss this with her, to have a plan, but she blows me off and doesn't want to hear it...today she told me that he could live in the house after she goes, but there is no way he could even afford half the bills. (he currently mows lawns). She informed me that he could have the money in her account. That is a very temporary fix, would run out in 6 months, not to mention a slap in the face for me and my sister. Any advise would be greatly appreciated!
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While you may be right that he has mental health issues the thing is you really can't determine that without a psychiatrist diagnosing them. Perhaps he does as you said but the behavior he exhibits could be for other reasons and not because he is mentally ill.
Your mother is the one who knows the real score with him and protects him because nobody else can. I agree that he should at 52-years-old have been taught a long time ago how to change a lightbulb, do his own laundry etc. As far as her claim goes that e was too nervous to get in a car and pick her up it may be valid. If he has fear of crowds, people, situations and could have a panic attack for example he's better off at home if that's the issue.
Then again, he held a job for 30 years without issue. If he has long suspected behavior consistent with mental illness and you feel it's ruining his life and affecting yours say something about it to your mother, him and family that it needs to be addressed. Make it known you can't and won't take care of him financially or otherwise and want a plan so he will be taken care of when she's gone. It's a resaonable request but expect some blow back.
You could mention this to someone else in the family that your mom trusts and see if they can talk to her about the reality he will face when she's no longer there and that there may be mental illness that could be diagnosed and make his life so much better.
You have to understand at 79-years-old your mom has known for decades how your brother is and what he's dealing with and is very protective of him. There may be a lot she's looked the other way on to protect him and her relationship with him. She knows other people may not understand her choices.
If you had a child you loved and someone said something negative even if trying to help about their behavior or mental health you would probably react as she did in blowing you off.
I think you should get your sister and other family members together with her to talk about how your brother will be cared for, his mental and physical health and work together for the same goal and let her know there's no money from you or your sister for him and that the bank account she referenced cannot sustain him long term.
Also, leave any judgment out of it. If he has mental health issues that aren't being taken care of try to get a real grasp on how it's like to live through that lens and fog. It completely engulfs a person when/if they're sick like that. It seems to me there's anomosity there with you and your sister over him. Whatever happens it's best to chuck it and see certain behaviors aren't who he really is. If he has problems hopefully he gets helped to make the situation better for himself and those in his life second.
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