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Relationship Jealousy/ communication
Hi all, I am a 24 year old female and dating my boyfriend for a little over a year, and we live together. Lately I have been having serious jealousy issues. I know we love together but we don’t actually do much together, always just cooped up in the house. Honestly, there’s hardly a reason for me to be jealous of anything. He talks to his friends CONSTANTLY which is annoying but liveable. I think the main reason for my out of control jealousy is that he’s not making me feel loved or appreciated or included and no affection/attention. And I’m such an affectionate attentive girlfriend. I’ll hug, kiss, cuddle, play whatever. I’ve explained this before to him that I need more from him. Last night I told him twice that he can’t just be affectionate towards me when he wants something (a chest massage and second was sex), in which I did neither which I never do but I’m really feeling down lately. I so clearly communicate with him what I need and he’s just not understanding or maybe he doesn’t care. I’m not even sure what I’m asking, first is how to control my severe jealousy over everything and second how do I communicate with him that I need more affection from him? I’m jealous because I don’t feel loved, and it makes my mind run wild and I’m not sure how to communicate this.
Thank you!
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There is nothing wrong with him being that way just as there is nothing wrong with what you need. The problems arise when one person tries to change the other person into what they want, rather than look for someone who is exactly what they already need and want. Jealousy is a fear of losing something and you fear that he prefers his friends to you and you get less or no attention. He may love some aspects about you but his behavor does not speak of someone who is in love, just loves a few things and that i not enough for a relationship.
I will state that what you wrote was all about what you need or want and I can't put together anything from your writings as to what his needs and wants are. Perhaps its a good time to have a talk and find out. Living together is a good way to find out if two people are really compatible.
Its the difference of being able to hide things when dating to not being able to hide things about your personality from the person you live with. So that was a bad move. However, it just sounds like you are finding out that he can not be the person you really need, not to mention you are probably not really the right person for him either.
During a pandemic is not the time to change living circumstances. But it might be a good time for you to read up on 'Love Languages' by Gary Chapman. Its been around so long you can probably find it second hand books or half price of such stores are in your area. It covers 5 love languages. The problem is that what we need to feel loved is what we give to our partner but that may not be their love language. Both need to take the in book test or it can be found on line. For example, giving gifts, Physical touches, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service. You requires the physicla touches and give that to him. He won't recognize it as love if his main gift is acts of service (doing the dishes for you when its your turn, getting you a refill drink so you don't have to get up, and so on) You may also have a secondary one of words of affirmation. This means what he says will build you up like compliments, saying how great you look which is important once older and the looks are changing. I seriously believe that is a first step, to see if it will fix things between you. If it doesn't or he has no interest what so ever in learning his and your love languaes, then you two may bewith the wrong person for a good relationship. That happens. What is not good is staying with a person who is not right for you. It doesn't mean anyone is defective or bad, just that the two of you might be right for someones totally different. Heres the online test [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
but I still think getting the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman is a very good idea. If it doesn't help in this relationship, it should help you in finding someone who does believe in them and is willing to work with you on doing it right.
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