|
I think I might be in love !
I have a huge problem . I have been having sex with this this guy for quite some time we are not dating at all we are just friends who are having sex well supposed to be just friends. The problem is I didn't plan on falling in love the first time I have intercourse with him. I don't want to tell him and lose his friendship completely and I think it's only fair for me to tell my true fee. What should I do ? Please help!
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I once read a book by a female writer psychologist about relationships, what works, wbat doesn't. She put it perfectly to explain intimacy for example.
In my words, best I can recall is that for women, it is the act of sex that makes them develope feelings of love whether the guy feels any as well, or not at all. Men view sex as a means to what they want and need so more often this is lust and doesn't lead to a monogamous relationship. I have heard so many women believing they were in love when they had sex whether as friends or in a romantic relationship. One needs more than sex to have a compatible relationship. After a divorce, when searching for another mate, I was looking for a best friend and compatible lover, both things which are important for a couple relationship/marriage that will last. Sadly most couples have only one or the other, not both. You have to be sure how the guy feels. I have also read of too many guys who felt in love with a girl who showed no signs of feeling the same and thought that being just friends or friends with benefits would bring her close enough to get to know him and fall in love but like you afraid of saying something and losing the person. If you are not right for each other, then sex alone isn't going to do it. I know you probably have spent time together doing stuff other than sex but that wasn't important enough for you to share here, so I can only guess that although friends, you probably don't feel like he's the best of best friends you've ever had. The second husband I have now is like that, best friend ever but also sexually compatible. What you need is to make a list of criteria of what you are looking for in a guy and also a list describing you so that you are more easily able to share who you really are, and to know what it is you really need versus what you want. A need is non negotiable, a deal breaker if not present in the man. A want is like frosting on a cake, nice but not necessary...in other words, its something you could live without if you dont get it. A need would be a woman who wants kids and to become a stay at home mom but the guy doesn' ever want kids due to bad experiences growing up or just not wanting to lose the freedom as a single person being tied down so. You don't want to find this out after falling for a guy or worse, after marriage. There is no such thing as half a child as a compromise. That is why this would be a deal breaker. a WANT is more like these things I put on my list he must have long hair or head be totally shaven, no ring of hair on a balding man as I don't like that look. I did get the long hair even though I chose him for all his other qualities. Before him, after divorce, I got lonely and went for a friend with benefits thing with a guy a bit younger than me. I did not feel the friendship as a best friend, just plain friends and told him that I was still looking for a guy but if he was willing for just a friend with benefits, that would work for me but I went into this knowing ahead of time that he was not going to be the right man for me for the rest of my life. He was willing but he fell in love with me but didn't tell me. I found out only after I moved and tried to keep in touch over internet but he didn't want to and said it was because he had fallen for me and i hadn't so it was best to not talk to me and reopen the wounds for him.]
Heres a line that works well to discover if he does have feelings or not. You state: "Our friendship is going well, with the friends with benefits too. It got me wondering how well we would do if we tried to be a romantic couple. What do you think?
Notice you don't reveal you have feelings of love. You may really feel love, or only think so but either way, that will scare a guy into pulling away if he doesn't feel the same and not honestly telling you for fear that you will cry and sob and guys are afraid of that. He is more likely to be willing to think about this seriously. If he's secretly liked you and been hoping to take this to the next level, he will say its a good idea or be brave enough to tell you how he feels if its love. If he doesn't feel love, he won't be afraid to tell you it wont work as he doesn't really feel strongly enough in that dept. about you. Or he doesn't feel any at all. And he feels free to tell you because you haven't said that you have developed feelings for him. Let him know in the end if this is the case that you will be his sex partner until you find the right guy for you to marry. He needs to know this ahead of time, not later after you've found someone. You won't believe how many males are okay with any sort of arrangement, as long as you are truthful with them. So you want to tell him thinking its fair. I've shared just now why its not fair to him until you know if he feels the same way. If he doesn't, you have to keep looking. The best longest lasting relationships are ones where both are each others best friend and are really in sync sexually. I was in a loveless marriage before and he treated me more like an enemy, lots of verbal abuse. So I know the importance of love and sexual compatibility. Libido is one, I was high and he was too low. Theres problems if one mate wants it weekly or several times a week and the other wants it less. Both needs are okay, nothing wrong here except two opposite types being together. I was more into trying new things and he wasn't. He never looked at me ever with passion in his eyes. I was really missing out. So you do what I suggested saying about trying something as more than friends, and be ready to walk away from this if he doesn't feel the same, not right away but wnen you find the right one.
]
I think you need to have a discussion with him about the status of your relationship and find out how he truly views you and what he's looking for. This way you aren't confused about it and aren't going to get hurt.
You have to figure out if there's anything there other than sex and whether or not he or both of you are only interested in each other for that. While you may think you're in love you need to step back and see if there actually is any from him. There's nothing wrong with having sex regularly as long as you set the boundaries and know the extent of your relationship. I would pump the breaks on this until you have a discussion about what you are to eachother.
The thing is if you lose him completely over talking to him about this than he's not the right person. In that case you may be getting used for sex and he's someone who doesn't want commitment or emotional attachment to you or anyone. It may be a trait he's had with other partners.
I'm not sure what you mean about a "true fee" If you mean that his love is the term for sex you're going to find yourself unhappy and feeling used unless you both benefit from physical intimacy. You shouldn't put a price on anything or tell people "if you don't love me than forget it." You have to never have a price but know when sex or a relationship shouldn't be taking place. Anyway, you have a conversation or conversations that needs to happen to figure out your relationship. I think that unless you do you're going to get used and severely hurt. Be very cautious .
]
More Questions: |